I may be going to hell in a bucket, babe
But at least I’m enjoying the ride!
- The Grateful Dead
These week 13 NFL picks say it’s time to get rid of the Reggie Bush tax cuts. I’ve never understood why he’s the only guy in the country that needs help.
Yes, these Brady Quinn-jersey-wearing week 13 NFL picks by Senators Thelma and Louise, the Philadelphia Eagles, and Fireman Ed, are barreling off of a cliff. Let us pray… for the Cleveland Browns and America, in that order.
But as a supporter of Cleveland Browns entitlement programs such as the recent eight-turnover win over a Pittsburgh Steelers team quarterbacked by a 37-year-old third string quarterback, I would hate to see the government go back to a time when the Cleveland Browns are expected to compete on a level playing field. Those days have long passed.
I believe in the welfare state. It helps the destitute, those who cannot help themselves. The proof is that last week it helped the Cleveland Browns. FDR was right, Reagan was wrong, and Art Modell was Football Satan or it might be the other way around.
A long time ago, the Cleveland Browns were run by Paul Brown and the rich ran the world as they should. Then Art Modell bought the team, fired Paul Brown, and pretty much ever since the rich have run the world as they shouldn’t. If you are smart enough to connect all the dots, everything in life is related to the fate of the team in orange helmets.
That’s why the physical fiscal cliff worries me so much. Have you ever seen a big pile of money next to a Cleveland Browns flag? I have one in my backyard. My money pile is so tall, I can’t imagine leaping off of it. But what if the whole country put all our money together into a really big pile of money next to a Cleveland Browns flag, and then we had to jump off of the the Cleveland Browns-flagged money cliff like some are suggesting? Gosh. Politicians are mean.
But I think when the Browns win the rest of their games and get in the playoffs and win the Super Bowl, all of this cliff jumping will be avoided. So that’s whatzgonnahappen.
SAINTS AT FALCONS – Mathematically, the Falcons keep winning close games plus the Saints have some weird interception karma equals: Falcons 31, Saints 28
TEXANS AT TITANS – The Texans are coming off of a long rest, and the Titans are extremely mediocre. This is not any given Sunday, it’s this Sunday. Texans 32, Titans 10
COLTS AT LIONS – The Colts are chasing a playoff berth and the Lions are out, proving the NFL is unpredictable. Anyone who even tries to predict is an idiot. Colts 31, Lions 21
JAGUARS AT BILLS – Chad Henne went to Michigan. Tom Brady went to Michigan. See the similarity? Jaguars 27, Bills 24
SEAHAWKS AT BEARS – Bears eat Seahawks for breakfast. I saw it on the nature channel. Bears 23, Seahawks 13
49ers AT RAMS – When Alex Smith is 90, the future Kansas City Chief still won’t forgive Jim Harbaugh for ruining the best opportunity of his life. 49ers 31, Rams 20
VIKINGS AT PACKERS – I don’t understand either one of these teams, so I certainly can’t understand how Minnesota goes into Green Bay and wins, but they do. Vikings 27, Packers 20
PANTHERS AT CHIEFS – The mathematician Euclid proved Brady Quinn plus Peyton Hillis plus Romeo Crennel equals angry fans. Panthers 24, Chiefs 16
PATRIOTS AT DOLPHINS – The Patriots have scored 108 points in the last two weeks, so expect another average Patriots win. Patriots 54, Dolphins 20
CARDINALS AT JETS – Now that Fireman Ed has left, Tim Tebow finally has a place with the Jets… in the stands. Jets 20, Cardinals 17
BUCCANEERS AT BRONCOS – I am always the last to notice things, but I think Peyton Manning is back. Broncos 42, Buccaneers 30
BROWNS AT RAIDERS – Jon Gruden moves to Lyndhurst and coaches Brush High, and therefore gets an ownership stake in the Browns. Browns 45, Raiders 21
BENGALS AT CHARGERS – It’s so bad in San Diego that at the end of the game, Norv Turner’s face finally melts like the Nazi in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Bengals 31, Chargers 21
STEELERS AT RAVENS - Two weeks ago, Charlie Batch was taking dementia drugs in a retirement home. Ray Lewis early comeback is so inspirational that he decides to become a missionary, and that’s how he was captured and killed by pygmies. Ravens 24, Steelers 13
EAGLES AT COWBOYS – The cliff-falling Eagles are in town. Even the Cowboys can’t screw this up. Cowboys 33, Eagles 3
GIANTS AT REDSKINS – There will be salsa dancing. Sacks. Spectacular plays by a spectacular rookie. Television loves it. The NFL loves it. You will love it. At it’s core, it’s a dirty rivalry reborn. Redskins 31, Giants 30
This column is sponsored by Susan Rice, Condoleezza Rice, and rice.
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