There’s battle lines being drawn
Nobody’s right if everybody’s wrong

- Buffalo Springfield

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President Obama: These Week 13 NFL picks are a time of great trial. My fellow Americans, even though no one has ever won in the wasteland known as Week 13 NFL picks, I suggest that Week 13 NFL Picks are winnable. We just need a good plan.

And so just as Richard Nixon had a secret plan to end the Vietnam War, I have a secret plan to win Week 13 NFL Picks. I got the idea from some dinner guests, a nice couple I met recently at the White House, and now I’m going to share my secret plan with you. I have a new vision of peace, more advanced than Woodrow Wilson’s League of Nations. I propose a League of Football Teams – yes this means an immediate surge in teams in the National Football League worldwide.

Therefore effective immediately the Kabul Jackals are the NFL’s newest expansion team in the new Axis of Evil Division with the Baghdad Camels, the Pyongyang Tigers, and the Teheran Cheetahs. The great roving statesman, Bill Parcells, has already agreed to leave the Miami Dolphins and go to Kabul to take over the Jackals. He also had an offer to go to Cleveland but he felt that Kabul would be a safer and a more stable work environment than the organization known as the Cleveland Browns.

Richard Nixon once suggested bringing peace with honor. I am an evolved version of Nixon – I propose peace with football and it starts with Week 13 NFL picks. Think about it. Both Nixon and I inherited a never-ending war from a stubborn Texan. While Nixon tried to bomb his way to peace, I propose bombs and screen passes as a way to world harmony. Here’s the best part: It will only take 18 months. Yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen.
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Walk right in it’s around the back
Just a half mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want, at Alice’s Restaurant

- Arlo Guthrie

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The first Thanksgiving included 2009 Week 12 NFL Picks. That’s just one of the revelations in the new VH1 special called; The Pilgrims, Behind the Music.

“Governor William Bradford had issues with authority,” the story begins. “As the leader of the retro-band, The Pilgrims, who cruised around on their floating crib, The Mayflower, he had issues with himself since he was the one in authority. Our story takes place in 1621. Bradford, like all of the Pilgrims, was a Cleveland Browns fan and he often parked the Mayflower in Lake Erie, where the wild and crazy Pilgrims tailgated waiting for a Browns game to start at the old Cleveland Municipal Stadium. Some dressed in dog masks.”

“It was a few days after a game in the 1621 season when Governor Bradford, who was still wearing a Bernie Kosar jersey, was back at his home in Plymouth. He called his home, Plymouth Plantation. He was not a Patriots fan. He didn’t even consider himself to be living in Massachusetts.”

“On this particular day Governor Bradford was watching his large screen HD television when an Indian – but not a Cleveland Indian – knocked on his door and said, “Hey, you guys want any corn?” This Indian’s name was Squanto. He also was a Cleveland Browns fan. In fact, he was wearing a Leroy Kelly jersey.”

“Squanto was so happy another Browns fan was living in the neighborhood that he pulled out his cell phone and called his friends and told them to bring some turkeys and beer. While Governor Bradford and Squanto discussed how Eric Mangini has been like a dose of smallpox for the Cleveland Browns, they took out the schedule and pointed to the Monday night game in Week 12 of the 2009 season.”

“The Saints/Patriots game, Squanto and Governor Bradford agreed, is one to be thankful for.  So they invented Thanksgiving in New England but then they drank too much and decided to mandate that the Detroit Lions play on television every Thanksgiving. It was the first time in history that alcohol caused a problem at Thanksgiving. And the Detroit Lions on Thanksgiving is known by many as the Pilgrim’s dark legacy.”

“The only record of that first Thanksgiving are these 2009 Week 12 NFL picks left behind in a ledger dated November 26, 1621 under the heading Whatzgonnahappen.” Read the rest of this entry →

You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold em,
Know when to walk away, and know when to run

- Kenny Rogers

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Oprah Winfrey here to tell you that prayer and careful thought went into these week 11 NFL picks. Oh yeah, I am quitting my show but not until I sell some more books. In fact, if a bookie showed you these week 11 NFL picks, you’d throw the book at him. You’d throw Sarah Palin’s book at him. You’d throw Andre Agassi’s book at him.

But if Bill Belichick read these picks on fourth down against Peyton Manning, he’d go against the book unless you’d really studied the book and then you’d say he guessed right even though he was obviously dead wrong. The “book” has hidden meanings.

The Word Factory has been busy lately. Have you noticed? One of the workers on the factory floor said he actually saw Sarah Palin type in the word “I” 58 times before leaving behind a staff and a dictionary to finish her book. Andre, by contrast, typed the word “me” a lot before he left. So you can see why I am so inspired to promote literacy. You can also see why I am inspired to finally quit doing this crap.

As an homage to my audience, though, I’d like to offer a final gift. You get an NFL Pick! And you get an NFL Pick! And you get an NFL Pick! Everybody gets an NFL Pick! Yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen. Read the rest of this entry →

It’s my job but without it I’d be less
Than what I expect from me

- Jimmy Buffett

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These week 10 NFL predictions lost their job. Their greedy CEO cut their salary so he could spend it on Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer. These predictions never get a Blue Ribbon, proving that capitalism is unfair and extravagant. These week 10 NFL predictions hate The Man.

The Man just burped.

These week 10 NFL predictions were laid off from their regular job and now, every week after trekking to the unemployment office, the only thing these week 10 NFL predictions can do to maintain dignity is to hope for change – which, by the way, is what they thought they voted for last year.

These week 10 NFL predictions are on the sidewalk begging for change, and left with no hope. The Dow is at 10,000, and there is 10 percent unemployment in America’s NFL week 10. The stars are aligning for the predictions to get 10 right, or maybe 10 wrong. More likely 10 wrong.

These week 10 NFL predictions offer the following tip: the Sunday night game between the New England Patriots and the Indianapolis Colts, featuring Tom Brady and Peyton Manning, is the most crucial thing happening on the planet this week.

Okay, maybe these week 10 NFL picks are unemployed for a reason.

For instance, these NFL predictions always fall for the Cleveland Browns. Talk about a team without hope… a team needing change. The situation appears infinitely hopeless. The fans in Cleveland are protesting and the owner is taking his advice from a guy wearing a dog mask – no wait, that’s Eric Mangini. How does he have a job?

So while The Man is passed out in his own odorous drool, these week 10 NFL predictions would like to quietly and very behind-the-scenes suggest that if you check out their resume or even get references from Week 9, you will discover there is not the slightest chance in hell that this is whatzgonnahappen.
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Well, I woke up this morning and I got myself a beer
The future’s uncertain and the end is always near

- The Doors

KABUL - Hamid Karzai here with my week 9 NFL picks. For a variety of reasons, I’d also like to talk about a quagmire.

When my opponent  for president of Afghanistan dropped out and I ran unopposed, it reminded me of watching any team play against the the Cleveland Browns. It’s easy to win without an opponent. So this week the Browns have a bye, which means they technically don’t have an opponent, but my brother, who has connections, tells me the bye will win. He said the bye will also beat the Oakland Raiders, St. Louis Rams, and Buffalo Bills.

Did I mention I am worried about a quagmire? Don’t misunderstand. Afghanistan is not like Vietnam. Afghanistan is more like the Cleveland Browns. No one ever wins here. Alexander the Great, the British, and the Russians couldn’t win here in Afghanistan. Chris Palmer, Butch Davis, and Romeo Crennel couldn’t win in Cleveland. Do you see the similarity?

But I can’t dwell on the past for a variety of reasons. So even though the generals have asked for an additional eight games, I suggest the Browns just withdraw now. If they don’t, I am afraid to tell you whatzgonnahappen.

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‘Cause this thriller, thriller night
And no one’s gonna save you from the beast about to strike

- Michael Jackson

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If you throw that egg, I won’t give you my week 8 NFL predictions. I am here at home dressed as an NFL prognosticator while I try to decipher, from the look on your face, why you are carrying toilet paper.

You want candy? I’ll give you candy when you show up dressed up as a Cleveland Browns victory. That would be unexpected, and quite a treat in this neighborhood.

On the other hand, putting on a Brett Favre mask and wearing a different jersey every year does not qualify as a costume. Plus I am having a hard time figuring out the difference between the Al Davis costume and Frankenstein.

I’ve noticed that every year you knuckleheads show up here looking for treats and threatening me with tricks. But I’ve told you the only thing I have to offer are haunted NFL predictions from  hell, I mean Cleveland. Yeah, that’s right. I dare say, boo to your tricks with one of my own.

You scoundrels may think you’ve bamboozled me into giving away my predictions – such as last week’s prescient Cedric Benson gains momentum with each of Jay Cutler’s three interceptions prediction. How did I know that would happen?

And so you show up at my door ready to soap my windows and you expect me to provide insight and candy? Okay, don’t throw that toilet paper in my trees because you’re going to need it after I tell you whatzgonnahappen.
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99 dreams I have had
In every one a red balloon

- Nena

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Help me! I just launched a balloon and my Week 7 NFL predictions are in it!

What do you mean you don’t believe me?

I know American history. George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King Jr. are great Americans but they do not compare to Balloon Boy. Balloon Boy is the greatest American ever, even greater than Tom Brady.

I call for a Balloon Boy National Holiday, and renaming Yosemite National Park and Niagra Falls as Balloon Boy Park and Balloon Boy Falls.  And, while Congress is taking on that important work, I suggest the Denver Broncos be renamed the Balloon Boy Broncos. And I also think Balloon Boy’s father should either be Bernie Madoff’s roommate or the top advisor to Reskins owner Daniel Snyder – because a large hoax is a large hoax. Speaking of a large hoax, here’s whatzgonnahappen.
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Don’t feel like Satan, but I am to them
So I try to forget it any way I can

- Neil Young

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These week 6 NFL predictions are in honor of Rush Limbaugh’s bid to buy the St. Louis Rams. This predictions column supports Limbaugh’s bid and hopes Michael Moore will quickly buy the Detroit Lions.

Rush has been trying to weasel his way onto the NFL stage for years now because he knows what we all know – that the NFL is America’s greatest and most popular business. There are those who claim that Rush has no right to own a franchise because  things he has said are construed by some to be very offensive. Although I disagree with Rush about almost everything, I’d ask the language police to chill out.

There is this thing in America called the First Amendment, which states specifically, in the words of Thomas Jefferson, “Rush Limbaugh has the right to be a knucklehead and own an NFL franchise.”

In fact, I think more teams in the NFL should be owned by celebrities – okay, all NFL teams should be owned by celebrities. If Jerry Jones has one more plastic surgery, we’ll call him Joan Rivers and let him stay.

Otherwise, the NFL should mandate that a celebrity owns each of its 32 franchises within the next five years. The more controversial the better. Let’s put the owners meeting on TV and have Simon Cowell judge it. Then, once a year, two owners will get voted out of the club and replaced by the newest and hottest controversial celebrity. So if the rule existed this year, Glen Beck would be given the Steelers and Lil Wayne would own the Cardinals.

So please feel free to nominate your own celebrity owners.

There’s 32 teams and if Al Sharpton owns the New England Patriots and Liz Cheney owns the Oakland Raiders like I’m hoping, that’s two less teams looking for an owner.  Throw in Barney Frank running the New York Giants and Sarah Palin in charge of the New York Jets and you can see how this column could really flourish. Yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen.
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In this undiscovered moment, lift your head up above the crowd
We could shake this world, if you would only show us how
Your life is now

- John Mellencamp

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I humbly accept the Nobel Prize for Week 5 NFL Predictions. I deserve this. The committee, in its wisdom, recognized my tremendous accomplishment of predicting Cleveland Browns victories. I expect a Grammy and Oscar as well, and I have plans to win the next hot-dog eating contest.

I accept this award as a call to action for the teams that I predict to win to actually win once in a while. If a guy in charge of two wars can win the Nobel Peace Prize, then I see no reason why my failure to accurately predict football games precludes me from the Nobel Prize for Week 5 NFL Predictions.

In fact, I’ve done more than Barack Obama has… I’ve already failed a lot.

This award is not just about my own failures, but it must be shared with the Cleveland Browns, who I continually predict will win even though they are as downtrodden as a one-legged orphan at a family dance party. They strive for justice and dignity and victories but achieve none of the above.  So I don’t really know why I won this award. I only know whatzgonnahappen.
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And it’s a certain kind of fool
Who likes to hear the sound of his own name

- The Eagles

MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD: I predict week 4 in the NFL will be wiped off the map by one name – Brett Favre.

I’m the one who sent him back. First I made him retire. Then I talked him into waffling because I hate middle America. Sure, I considered bombing Minnesota and Wisconsin, but I knew Brett Favre’s retirement/unretirement would cause greater and longer-lasting collective angst than any mere military operation.

So you foolish Americans can believe what you want to believe but I am telling you that the twilight of Brett Favre’s career is an Iranian intelligence operation aimed at causing psychological damage in the heartland.

Speaking of psychological damage and the heartland, let me be clear: The damage Eric Mangini is allegedly doing to the Cleveland Browns is not real. I deny it.

Don’t bother me with documents, proof, standings, or statistics. I have no desire to look at the first three games of Mark Sanchez’s career with the knowledge that Mangini chose to stick with weak-armed (and already benched) Brady Quinn, and draft a center instead.

I don’t see any damage at all.

The Browns are a great football team and the talent is hidden away in a secret facility. No, I’m not going to tell you where it is or let you inspect the team. The only thing I will reveal is that Eric Mangini also works for the Iranian government. That’s right, I’m spreading NFL despair city by city, and I’m going to destroy your city next. That’s whatzgonnahappen.

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