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2008 NFL PICKS: WEEK 2
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John McCain: My friends, last week Senator Obama's dubious Democratic attempt at predicting the NFL was all theatrics and no substance. He predicted the Cleveland Browns would beat the Dallas Cowboys. I agreed with him because I want to win Ohio too. But my friends, he was wrong and I was right because I am the one who really wants change and I can prove it in such a brilliantly cynical way that it will make Karl Rove and Jerry Jones blush!
GOP: Four more years! Four more years!
McCain: My Republican friends, after eight dismal years of Republican rule, it's time for a change! Let's put a Republican in the White House as the Prognosticator of the United States of America!
GOP: Change! Yay!
McCain: My friends, why can't we be friends? Have you ever seen "Friends," my friends? Do you know about my new friend, Sarah Palin, the governor of the great state of Alaska?
GOP: Sarah! Sarah!
Palin: Thank you Senator McCain for that kind introduction.
McCain: Um, I wasn’t finished...
GOP: Sarah! Sarah!
Palin: As I was saying, a small town mayor is SORT OF like community organizer, except that... that... hey, my teleprompter is broken! Um, do you know the difference between a hockey mom and a pitbull? Lipstick! Um, why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side! Get it?
GOP: Sarah! Sarah!
Palin: If you think I am rolling over for the MEDIA ELITE, I've got a little newsflash. I believe the Rams are a great football team. As for your elitist evidence and scoreboard, I say: Thanks... but no thanks.
GOP: Sarah! Sarah!
Palin: The Rams just need to stiffen up. The team needs to get tough like they were when a woman, Georgia Frontiere, ran their team! They need to drill somebody! Drilling solves so much!
GOP: Drill, baby drill!
McCain: Why are you talking about the Rams so much?
GOP: Rams! Rams! Rams!
McCain: Look, I'm a Republican maverick so I am going to scold you Republican knuckleheads. You've let down the American people. You think that the Rams drilling someone will solve the team’s problems? They lost 38-3 last week. Hello? (Pause) Oh hell. Drill, baby drill! Sarah! Sarah! Here's whatzgonnahappen.
Also...
Freecheezeburgerz.com Media Elite Apologizes To GOP and Promises No More Questions
RAIDERS AT CHIEFS - Bob Dole versus Mike Dukakis could be more exciting. But a second glance reveals the Chiefs are better than you think while the Raiders are exactly who you think they are. Chiefs 17, Raiders 7
BEARS AT PANTHERS - This game is infinitely more interesting than it appeared a week ago, the same as the presidential election. Power versus power could be fun, just like change versus change. But I'd forgotten how good Jake Delhomme is. Panthers 21, Bears 10
GIANTS AT RAMS - The chant, "Drill, baby drill!" was misunderstood by the Rams because they actually drill a baby. The baby says "ouch" and the Giants drill the Rams, causing Rams fans to say, "Boo who? Boo you!" Giants 36, Rams 14
SAINTS AT REDSKINS – Change is coming to Washington, but not this year. Meanwhile, the Saints come marching in with the force of a hurricane and other cliches as well. Saints 22, Redskins 11
PACKERS AT LIONS – The Packers aren't that good yet and the Lions have got to be better, therefore you can consider this the Sarah Palin contrarian brilliant or stupid pick of the week. Lions 18, Packers 12
BILLS AT JAGUARS – I am a hobo who lives on a bandwagon therefore every season here at Whatzgonnahappen I need an early bandwagon to jump on. This year it is the Buffalo Bills. Watch for Marcus Stroud to do some revenge tackling behind the line of scrimmage this week. Bills 19, Jaguars 13
COLTS AT VIKINGS – Ladies and gentleman, the Adrian Peterson show is about to begin. He'll zig, he’ll zag, and he'll make Tony Dungy gag. And expect Tarvaris Jackson to have an official quarterback rating this week of "not as bad as last week." Vikings 23, Colts 13
TITANS AT BENGALS – While Vince Young is rumored to be going all Dennis Rodman on the Titans, the rumor in Cincinnati is confirmed. Chad Johnson has changed his name to the one name the NFL approved: Chad NFLnetwork. Bengals 20, Titans 17
And...
Freecheezeburgerz.com Media Elite Apologizes To GOP and Promises No More Questions
49ERS AT SEAHAWKS – J.T. O'Sullivan has a career day (isn’t every game a career game right now for J.T.?) and the Seahawks continue their long, slow boil of Mike Holmgren's lame duck stew. 49ers 24, Seahawks 7
FALCONS AT BUCCANEERS – Matt Ryan's first pass in the NFL went for a touchdown meaning it’s either a sign of things to come or it's all downhill from here. I'm going with gravity. Buccaneers 24, Falcons 16
PATRIOTS AT JETS – Tom Brady has a knee. He was never aware that he had a knee before. Three Super Bowl rings, sure. A supermodel girlfriend, absolutely! But a knee? Yes, Tom, you've got a knee and the Patriots have Matt Cassel as quarterback. Meanwhile, videotaped Karma laughs at Bill Belichick, who cusses like he used to when he was the Browns coach. Jets 30, Patriots 20
CHARGERS AT BRONCOS – At the end of last year's contest in Denver between these two teams, Philip Rivers recited the Gettysburg Address in Jay Cutler's general direction. I think it was the Gettysburg Address but it may have been 15th-century Italian poetry. Broncos 26, Chargers 24
RAVENS AT TEXANS – Last week, Matt Schaub threw two interceptions and had one fumble. Last year, Schaub always played good after he played bad. Really, look it up. The Texans, therefore, like it when Schaub is bad, right? They do this week, benefitting from last week. Meanwhile, Ray Lewis goes outside because "I've never seen a hurricane before." Texans 21, Ravens 17
DOLPHINS AT CARDINALS – While Brett Favre and Chad Pennington's second chances have been ballyhooed by the media elite, I say that Kurt Warner's is just as interesting and might be more successful. Okay, it will be more successful than the one known as Hanging Chad. Cardinals 24, Dolphins 17
STEELERS AT BROWNS – First, Braylon Edwards is taught how hands work. Then the Browns defense is politely asked not to have another relaxing tailgate party while on the field. And finally, Willie Parker is hit all game like Tony Romo’s chin. Browns 42, Steelers 21
EAGLES AT COWBOYS – I admit that I am ready for some football. Please quit singing that song! Meanwhile, look for a T.O. drop or a Pacman personal foul to decide this game because I think I speak for many when I say I want to revel in the implosion of Jerry Jones' team of knuckleheads. Eagles 27, Cowboys 23
Freecheezeburgerz.com Media Elite Apologizes To GOP and Promises No More Questions
This column is sponsored by "Polar Bears for the Pipeline."
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