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Archive for the ‘2012 season’

Week 15 NFL Picks From Santa’s Workshop

December 14, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season

Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
– Eurythmics

These week 15 NFL picks are making your damn Christmas presents. Bah humbug, bitches! But not you, Browns fans. Joy to the world!

Ernie the elf here. More appropriately, my name should be Elvis the elf, but my pathetic parents called me Ernie because of Ernie from Sesame Street. I’ve got issues. I hate everyone named Bert.  Also, Christmas really pisses me off. As an elf, I mean.

If I think about it differently, I guess I love Christmas as much as everyone. But I’m an elf, damn it.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want some big scandal quoting me in the newspapers. I am just an elf, dude.

Brady passes to elfChristmas elf touchdown

I am not a politician or public figure even though my work is well-known world wide. Look, it’s true. I am the best elf up here. Ask anyone. I am the Tom Brady of elves, okay? But that doesn’t give you the right to quote me using my words about how much I hate the mostly selfish (not elfish) people my contract requires I make presents for.

Sure, I signed the contract of my own free will. And yes, Scott Boras represents me so I received a rather lucrative contract. The Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy were bidding for my services, but I gave Santa a hometown discount. Ha! Not really. Scott Boras represents me.

The truth is that most of the crap I manufacture up here you will be able to buy in five years at the dollar store for fifty cents. But not all of it. Sometimes, I make dreams come true. Are you listening Browns fans? Shh, Santa is drinking vodka with Bigfoot right now so I can do this while he’s telling old reindeer stories. For me, if you’ve heard one reindeer story, you’ve heard them all. I am jaded that way.

Anyway, there are budget negotiations going on up here. There is talk of a fiscal cliff and the loss of entitlements. I follow all of this like any elf would. But I am a Browns fan and now there is talk of the rich being not as well off as they have been for a generation. This probably sounds familiar, but  what this really means for Cleveland Browns fans is that I think my present this year is going to be extra special. All I have to do is sneak the Lombardi Trophy into Santa’s bag when he makes his Cleveland trip. So that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 15 NFL Picks From Santa’s Workshop” »

Week 14 NFL Picks by Mayans Dancing Gangnam Style

December 06, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season

This is the end
Beautiful friend
The end
My only friend, the end
– The Doors

These week 14 picks are the work of Mayans on Medicare. Face it, the Mayans aren’t getting any younger.

Plus most Mayans are depressed Oakland Raiders fans on Mexican antidepressants – now legal in Colorado and Washington state. That’s why Mayans need Medicare. They have tattoos that say, “Don’t get tattoos,” and when they play the Chiefs they ask if the linebacker with the gun wears a green dot on his helmet. It’s a Mayan thing.

gangnam style oakland raidersMayans need Medicare at least a few more days until all Mayans are required to dance Gangnam Style into emergency rooms on December 21. That’s explicitly how their world ends, Gangnam Style wearing Oakland Raiders gear. I saw it on a TV show, it must be true.

Look, I love a good end of the world as much as the next guy. The world ending is almost always something to look forward to. To the best of my memory, it ends at least once every couple of years. Hey, it’s the end of the world today. What are you doing tomorrow?

There is always some lunatic knucklehead claiming he knows better than the rest of us, including scientists. And there are always gullible knuckleheads willing to believe the first knucklehead. That’s how conspiracy theories work. Trust me on this. I am a Cleveland Browns fan. They are really going to win the next Super Bowl. And yes, I need a conspiracy for this to happen.

The truth is that the world continues as long as the Cleveland Browns have a shot at the playoffs. And mathematically, I think it’s still possible. End of the world? Let me quote the Mayans directly, “Malarkey.”

I think the Mayans are just angry about a Yelp review of their calendar that called it primitive and incomplete. They are just another empire that hasn’t evolved their online presence. It’s 2012, you think they’d figure it out. But no. Instead they throw a bunch of end of the world baloney at us, and we’re supposed to believe that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 14 NFL Picks by Mayans Dancing Gangnam Style” »

Week 13 NFL Picks From The Physical Fiscal Cliff

November 28, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season

I may be going to hell in a bucket, babe
But at least I’m enjoying the ride!
– The Grateful Dead

These week 13 NFL picks say it’s time to get rid of the Reggie Bush tax cuts. I’ve never understood why he’s the only guy in the country that needs help.

Yes, these Brady Quinn-jersey-wearing week 13 NFL picks by Senators Thelma and Louise, the Philadelphia Eagles, and Fireman Ed,  are barreling off of a cliff. Let us pray… for the Cleveland Browns and America, in that order.

Fireman Ed jumps a cliffthelma and louise New York JetsOkay, praying never works for the Cleveland Browns. I’ve tried. He laughed at me.

But as a supporter of Cleveland Browns entitlement programs such as the recent eight-turnover win over a Pittsburgh Steelers team quarterbacked by a 37-year-old third string quarterback, I would hate to see the government go back to a time when the Cleveland Browns are expected to compete on a level playing field. Those days have long passed.

I believe in the welfare state. It helps the destitute, those who cannot help themselves. The proof is that last week it helped the Cleveland Browns. FDR was right, Reagan was wrong, and Art Modell was Football Satan or it might be the other way around.

A long time ago, the Cleveland Browns were run by Paul Brown and the rich ran the world as they should. Then Art Modell bought the team, fired Paul Brown, and pretty much ever since the rich have run the world as they shouldn’t. If you are smart enough to connect all the dots, everything in life is related to the fate of the team in orange helmets.

That’s why the physical fiscal cliff worries me so much. Have you ever seen a big pile of money next to a Cleveland Browns flag? I have one in my backyard. My money pile is so tall, I can’t imagine leaping off of it. But what if the whole country put all our money together into a really big pile of money next to a Cleveland Browns flag, and then we had to jump off of the the Cleveland Browns-flagged money cliff like some are suggesting? Gosh. Politicians are mean.

But I think when the Browns win the rest of their games and get in the playoffs and win the Super Bowl, all of this cliff jumping will be avoided. So that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 13 NFL Picks From The Physical Fiscal Cliff” »

Week 12 NFL Picks By Your Drunk Uncle on Thanksgiving

November 22, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season

Thank you for reading!
– Happy Thanksgiving

These Week 12 NFL picks love you man! Remember that thing that happened decades ago that still pisses me off? Get me another drink! Let’s talk politics.

Oh, I love you man. But I can’t believe what a loser jerk you are. Seriously, let’s talk politics. Your religion is stupid! Happy Thanksgiving. Isn’t it great that the Washington Redskins and New England Patriots created Thanksgiving. I love American history.

I am sorry, I have those facts wrong. That’s right, I am wrong. You got a problem with that?

It was the Detroit Lions and Dallas Cowboys who created this national holiday that I love in the way that I love pie. I like cake more than pie. But I love to say “pie.” And I love Thanksgiving the way that I love pie.

What, so now you got a problem with pie? Me too. I want cake.

So let’s talk politics. Everything on this table was a gift from Mitt Romney, who said he wanted to buy my vote in the recent election. Actually, Mitt Romney bought me this house too. He wanted to buy gifts for voters like Obama did. But he only bought gifts for 100 of us. I have this house, a yacht, and two illegal immigrants to do my yard work. Mitt’s awesome! I voted for Obama, but Mitt’s awesome!

Pass the mashed potatoes. Want to know my opinion on rape?

I know everything about the NFL, of course. Tim Tebow is the best player ever. Did I ever tell you how stupid I think your religion is? Ed Reed should be suspended for life for being a Baltimore Raven. It’s offensive. Colin Kaepernick is better than Alex Smith, and the Cleveland Browns are going to win the next Super Bowl. Yeah, I’m smart and I get smarter when I drink.

Let me tell you what I would do about Israel and Palestine. Pass the stuffing. When you die, how much will I inherit? I love holidays when I get to share my knowledge and issues with you. This turkey is dry. I should have went out to eat.

Get me another drink and I’ll tell you all about whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 12 NFL Picks By Your Drunk Uncle on Thanksgiving” »

Week 11 NFL Picks From The General Soap Opera

November 16, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season

Well you’re where you should be all the time
And when you’re not you’re with
Some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend
– Carly Simon

These week 11 NFL picks are having an affair with my biographer. I am writing an autobiography.

My autobiography begins when these week 11 NFL picks were found in General David Petraeus’ underwear by the FBI, acting on a tip from an unnamed New York Jet.

tebow and sanchezThis week’s NFL picks are the next act in a bad soap opera script involving Tim Tebow, Mark Sanchez, Rex Ryan and the New York Jets. It’s actually a soap opera taking place on a train wreck. Sort of like a bombastic Titanic on land. So much bad romance. So much tragedy, and navel gazing. It’s the NFL written by Woody Allen, and directed by Irwin Allen.

Meanwhile, in other soap opera news related to these week 11 NFL picks, General Petraeus resigned, and Michael Vick has taken a bell-ringing break from the inner sanctums of It’s Never Sunny In The Philadelphia Eagles Locker Room.

Affairs and broken relationships are rampant across the NFL at this time of year, and there are plenty of conspiracy theories, according to my biographer. Norv Turner owns very valuable photographs. Jerry Jones takes advice from martians. Roger Goodell does not have a soul. For some fans, just like for some voters, it’s maddening.petraeus picks the NFL

Like many disgruntled citizens after the election, I understand the desire to secede. After the first half of the NFL season, I believe the Cleveland Browns should secede from the NFL. I do not understand why my predicted record for the Cleveland Browns of 9-0 by this point is only 2-7. My internal polling showed for sure they would win every game.

Someone has cheated. Teams have grown to expect wins just because they score more points than the Cleveland Browns. If that’s the kind of NFL we live in, just forget it. It means we have more takers of wins, than makers of Browns wins. I don’t know if it’s hopeless, but it’s troublesome.

After Petraeus, our best known general since Norman Schwarzkopf, became a spy and started running around like an American James Bond, these week 11 NFL picks became shaken, not stirred. Thus, a loud anonymous voice from the New York Jets locker room brought attention to the fact that these picks exist and some people say that, despite some very loud and public prayers, they are horrible.

It makes you wonder, now whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 11 NFL Picks From The General Soap Opera” »

Week 10 NFL Picks By Just Re-Elected President Obama

November 08, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season

You may say I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one’
– John Lennon

These week 10 NFL Picks call on our divided nation to stop the partisan bickering and help  the Cleveland Browns go forward. Four more years of this? Really?

That’s what you want? Me and John Boehner spitting at each week after week other over the Browns offensive game plan? Fine, let me read Sharia law and see what I should do now. Food stamps for everybody! I’ll call the United Nations for advice after I marry the love of my life, Hugo Chavez. Hey, I just sold Kansas to China! I’m kidding, Rush.

Obama 2012No one knows it, but Rush Limbaugh and I are good friends. I am good for his career and, well, he has been great for mine.

But I am talking about the future of the Cleveland Browns and how I plan to get them to the upcoming Super Bowl. This is why you elected me. I watched the results. Thank you Cuyahoga County!brownself

Hope and dreams? No. Reality and science. This campaign to get the Cleveland Browns to the Super Bowl in New Orleans is based on arithmetic, and now that America has endorsed my quest to restore the Cleveland Browns to greatness, all I can say is, forward.

Oh, I said that already? Well, forward pass. Or run. Either way, you should know that my opponent, Mitt Romney called and congratulated me and he said you should pray for me. That’s the first good idea he’s ever had.

I am glad that he was gracious in defeat. The Cleveland Browns are often gracious in defeat. Perhaps a bit too often. Maybe we should pray for them too. Or maybe they should just take a page from my campaign, and attack the teams that are rich with wins, and force them to pay their fair share of losses. That’s right, I am a socialist. You are surprised?

Finally, I would especially like to thank those visiting from France and Kenya who voted early and often. Sure, I stole the election. You are surprised? No, you are not surprised. You vote, and, no matter what they say, you determine whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 10 NFL Picks By Just Re-Elected President Obama” »

Week 9 NFL Picks of Frankenstorm and the Zombie Apocalypse Election

November 01, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season

And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You’ll be drenched to the bone…..
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times, they are a-changin’
– Bob Dylan

These week 9 NFL picks should be worried about the zombie apocalypse election now that Frankenstorm has passed. But the Cleveland Browns won, so no worries.

According to a tweet from a twit, FEMA officially tweaked Tim Tebow to treat the blown away and loss-flooded New York Jets, while fat partisan gridlock caused by the large miserable jets fansheroic presence of New Jerseyfat Chris Christie saves Jets fans Governor Chris Christie has saved thousands of lives of Jets fans who planned to toss themselves off of the George Washington Bridge. Tremendous! Or terrifying. One of those.

None of this is true, except for the parts that are. I do have worries. I hide them well. Freak storms and big elections scare me. I’ve seen the damage both can do, and so it is more fun to worry about the little things, like whether my favorite football team has finally turned the corner. The Cleveland Browns won last week. No worries.

The ancient Mayans are supposed to worry me. It’s getting to that time of year again. Another end of the world is almost here, or did the ancient Mayans predict something bad about the Cleveland Browns? Either way, the ancient Mayans were wrong, dead wrong. The Browns are way better than the ancient Mayans thought they’d be. Therefore the ancient Mayans were wrong. The ancient Mayans are also dead. That equals dead wrong.

Speaking of dead wrong, the upcoming zombie apocalypse election is being billed by the lamestream media as a mere election. Some call it the most important election of our lifetime. But few have the courage to call it what it is, a zombie apocalypse election that features a contest between the living and the undead.

The choice between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney is as clear of a choice as this week’s battle between the Cleveland Browns and the evil Baltimore Ravens. Let’s just say that the stimulus is working.

Everything I just wrote is an attention-deficit disorder lie, wrapped around an attention-starved conundrum. Except for the parts about the scary election, and the Cleveland Browns winning. Those are true.

Next up, Christmasegeddon. And that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 9 NFL Picks of Frankenstorm and the Zombie Apocalypse Election” »

Week 8 NFL Picks By The Last Undecided Ohio Voter

October 26, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season

I went back to Ohio, but my family was gone
I stood on the back porch, there was nobody home
I was stunned and amazed
My childhood memories slowly swirled past like the wind through the trees
Way to go, Ohio
– The Pretenders

These week 8 NFL picks are undecided in Ohio. Which candidate can help the Cleveland Browns win the next Super Bowl? I am a one-issue voter.

I watched the debates. All this talk of jobs, the economy, war, and deficits. No one mentioned the Cleveland Browns unbalanced offense and how to fix it. I am a voter and this is the issue I care about. I vote in Ohio. Forget the other constituents in other places and their so-called issues. The candidates need me, and I want answers – about the Browns.

Ohio voter for the BrownsMitt Romney was here smoking and drinking and helping me judge my weekly Monday wet t-shirt contest when, out of the blue, he told me that he doesn’t care about 47 percent of the people. I asked if he cared about the Cleveland Browns. He didn’t answer, but he tried to fire my dog. So I asked him, “What do you plan to do to help the Browns on third and one?” He again ignored me.

Mitt Romney doesn’t understand that right now, I am the most powerful person in the world. I am undecided in Ohio. I control the election. And I am worried about the Browns.

But President Obama isn’t any better. He had four years to fix the Cleveland Browns, and instead he focused on stuff like getting health care to sick people, and killing Osama Bin Laden. So on Tuesday when he came by for our weekly game of rock, paper, scissors, I asked him how he planned to get the Browns to tighten up their defense, and he just looked at me. It was almost how he looked in the first debate. He’s not even awake enough to care.

That’s why I am undecided in Ohio.brownselfguitar

This morning Donald Trump offered $5 million to my favorite charity if I would just release my voting intentions. My favorite charity is the People Dedicated to Pulling Out Donald Trump’s Hair And Making It Into A Pittsburgh Steelers-Colored Noose Foundation.

The truth is not one of these politicians care about the Cleveland Browns situation. Things are dire. It is worse than Watergate, worse than Vietnam, even worse than the sinking of the Maine. It’s a national crisis, like a missing lapel flagpin or something. Therefore, this is the most important election of our lifetime. Did I mention I vote in Ohio?

But Joe Biden told me while laughing over shots and beers that the Browns, like the economy, are headed in the right direction and all the other stuff is just a bunch of malarkey. Then Paul Ryan stopped his P90X workout long enough to assure me that the math adds up for the Browns to win the Super Bowl this year. With evidence like that coming from those two guys, I finally felt better about whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 8 NFL Picks By The Last Undecided Ohio Voter” »

Week 7 NFL Picks by The Dishwasher Who Trained Paul Ryan

October 19, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season

My brain hurt like a warehouse
It had no room to spare
I had to cram so many things
To store everything in there
– David Bowie

These Week 7 NFL picks have been soaked, scrubbed, and put through the machine. Call me Dishmael. I wash dishes. I am a diva, just like T.O.. I catch flak.

I am an also an idiot savant when when it comes to NFL picks. Okay, only the idiot half of this statement is true. But I have, in fact, foreseen many NFL results in the Jackson Pollock designs of saliva and gravy that my customers leave for me. Nice people! I know you are jealous, as you should be.

Paul Ryan Colt McCoy Oklahoma Statepaul Ryan Diswashing losses away

But don’t jump to conclusions. It’s not all art appreciation and collecting money from my bookie. This week, I had to train the Republican vice presidential candidate, Paul Ryan, apparently so he will have something to fall back on if he loses the election.

That’s how the Bain Capital Grill runs. I was forced to train this knucklehead, who might then take my job. On the bright side, the 47 percent of me that feels lazy and entitled was happy to let him do my job. But when he walked in here and started talking about how he admired watching Cleveland Browns starting quarterback Colt McCoy when McCoy was at Oklahoma State, I knew that Paul Ryan was not intelligent enough for the dishwashing profession.

First of all, Colt McCoy is not the Browns starting quarterback. Brandon Weeden is. Secondly, Colt McCoy didn’t go to Oklahoma State. He went to Texas. Brandon Weeden went to Oklahoma State. This mistake is exactly like being asked to wash a spoon, and instead washing a knife. Our sous chef has killed for less than that. He has a backyard graveyard full of dishwashers with wrongly-washed knives stuck in their backs.

This is a tough profession, and I just don’t think Paul Ryan has the chops. It’s not like his other profession, except in one way. I’ve also got a binders full of women; mostly vodka-soaked waitresses.

When he was here, all Paul Ryan did was complain that politics is hard. He called it a contact sport, like the NFL. But just as he said that, the chef stiff-armed him on his way to get another cup of coffee. To get around the concussion rule and the fact that we don’t offer health insurance, our medical staff said Paul Ryan was shaken up on the play.

He was immediately, and controversially, sent to scrubBrady Quinn best QB in NFL sheet pans while proclaiming like an evangelist that Brady Quinn, of USC, is the best quarterback in the NFL. Quinn, of course, actually went to Notre Dame, and he is Brady Quinn, not Tom Brady.

Obviously, I hope Paul Ryan wins the vice presidency because sending an incompetent dishwasher into this volatile world could be catastrophic.

If Paul Ryan does become a dishwasher, I bet it’s at some fancy private club where the members dirty the dishes with saliva and gravy not for the sake of art, but to prove that they are job creators. That’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 7 NFL Picks by The Dishwasher Who Trained Paul Ryan” »

Week 6 NFL Picks Mudslinging Advertisement

October 11, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season

I was born in a crossfire hurricane
And I howled at my ma in the driving rain
But it’s all right now, in fact it’s a gas
– The Rolling Stones

These week 6 NFL picks contain approximately zero lies about my fish-fornicating opponent. He is lying when he says the Cleveland Browns are 0-5. That’s baloney!

Speaking of baloney, these week 6 NFL picks are served plain on white bread by my elf-like twitchy media assistant, Skippy. We call it, “The Lance Armstrong” and serve it at my opponent’s rallies. My opponent’s lies are worse than my lies about the Miami Dolphins. My opponent likes fish, that is well-established.

goodel baloneybaloney goodell

Some say this is the meanest NFL prognosticating campaign week ever because the Browns just lost. Some said that last week when the Browns lost, and some said it the week before when the Browns lost. It’s despicable, the things my opponent brings up. My opponent still thinks Scott Fujita should be suspended for being on the Cleveland Browns. This is literally unbelievable.

I usually and probably don’t ever lie about how NFL commissioner Roger Goodell likes to eat live koala bears while they are looking him in the eyes any more than he would make stuff up, and I won’t. I won’t… maybe. Maybe not. I’ll ask my focus group.

My focus group of 50 drunks in a bar unanimously said that anyone picking the Cleveland Browns to win every week is a moron with less brains than a bag full of rocks.

So the bag full of rocks I have at home gave me an idea. Well, not my own idea. I don’t have any of those. But I took a poll – actually I had a nerd race – and Americans want us predictors to scale down the meanness. Even though my opponent is fighting dirty by using facts, I am going to be nicer, simply using my version of honesty. You ready?

My opponent has a messy desk. I even see a half-eaten baloney sandwich on it. See, I can do an attack ad and not be too mean.

Oh one more thing. His desk is also messy because of the fish.

I approve this message, and I approve whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 6 NFL Picks Mudslinging Advertisement” »