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Archive for the ‘2014 season’

Week 17 NFL Picks By The Sony Hackers

December 27, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

Under my thumb
The girl who once had me down
Under my thumb
The girl who once pushed me around
– The Rolling Stones

These week 17 NFL Picks have hacked the NFL standings and now the Cleveland Browns are undefeated. Yeah, we’re crazy serious!

We can do anything. Johnny Manziel is now officially a giant among men. That’s right. Don’t mess with us!

So Patriots fans, Seahawks fans, Packers fans…. sorry, but your Internet is down. Plus, and this is crucial for understanding us… We love exclamation points!

Here is a picture of Otto Graham. Otto Graham

Use google, you doofuses! You’ll figure out that great football is Cleveland Browns football. Nothing else matters, certainly not the movie, “Draft Day,” which we should have hacked. But we like the movie, “Giant” because it is about Johnny Manziel.

One more thing. Happy Holidays. Sorry but nothing that you got for Christmas works. Certainly not Johnny Manziel!

And another thing. We’re not North Korean and the Browns aren’t really undefeated. This is  surprising to you, and especially to us.

We are Cleveland-based sports hackers. We can prove it. Although we still don’t have the NFL code figured out, we did the code for Lebron James. You didn’t think that would work, did you?

Okay, that’s not true either. The truth is that we actually work for Justin Bieber. Dude loves vandalism, and he’s a big fan of Johnny Football. He is certain by next year that we’ll have this NFL code figured out.

In one year, Johnny Manziel will lead the Browns to the Super Bowl and Justin Bieber will be the halftime show. This is true. Only a real hack would declare that that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 17 NFL Picks By The Sony Hackers” »

Week 16 NFL Picks From Your Crazy Drunk Uncle

December 21, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

Now the family is crazy
And they’re out of their minds
They kick it up a notch at Christmastime
– Steve Shook & The Elftones

These week 16 NFL picks have given you each vodka for Christmas. You are going to be a big hit in third grade, Jimmy! I did this because each one of you is a Cleveland Browns fan.

Browns at ChristmasI can hear you, Jimmy. No, it’s not illegal for you if no one finds out. Just don’t tell your teacher. Do you think Johnny Manziel told his coach he never read the playbook? Of coursse not, Jimmy. Go to school like a Brown!

Just say you decided to be outgoing in January. That’s all she needs to know. One other thing, Jimmy. If you think of Johnny Manziel, don’t vomit when the room starts spinning.

Now, Grandma, of course I’d love to hear you sing “Born To Be Wild.” And yes, the Johnny Manziel jersey helps. In fact, I need a video of this.

And Bob, my least favorite cousin, family member, and human being, I love you. But if you tell me once more, while wearing that Steelers jersey, everything you learned on FOX News, you get no more vodka from me. It’s the Steelers jersey that offends me the most. No touch with reality, dude. You are a moron. I love you! Idiot.

So while you each open your Christmas vodka and we begin our tradition of screaming at each other like my nine ex-wives scream at me and scream at each of their nine ex-husbands, I’d like to thank all of you who I love so much to remember the passionate immortal words of NFL commissioner Roger Goodell: “I didn’t see anything.”

In other words, what happens at Christmas stays at Christmas. Yep, that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 16 NFL Picks From Your Crazy Drunk Uncle” »

Week 15 NFL Picks By the Short & Tortured

December 10, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

Don’t want no short people
Round here
– Randy Newman

These Week 15 NFL Picks are smaller than any accusations about us – whether by Marvin Lewis or Diane Feinstein. We are small just like our heroes, Johnny Manziel and the CIA.

Sure, we are exciting. But that’s because we are sneaky and slippery – and made for Hollywood. Just like Johnny Manziel, and the CIA.

Johnny FootballYes, news is out that we have tortured our opponents, just like Manziel did in college and the CIA did a decade ago. While the CIA is saying it does not torture any more, and many are saying that Manziel can’t torture anyone in the NFL, we say torture by the arrogant and disrespected is, quite frankly, to be expected.

In his own words, Johnny Manziel has said (well, texted) that he’s going to “wreck this league.” And that was before Marvin Lewis made light of Manziel’s shortish stature. So guess who gets wrecked first.

And the CIA, whose primary job used to be to lie, is saying they don’t torture. So that’s believable, right?

Everything the CIA does is with the justification of stopping a hypothetical ticking time bomb. Johnny Football is no longer hypothetical, and when he throws bombs to Josh Gordon, the enemy is expected to be fearful about whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 15 NFL Picks By the Short & Tortured” »

Week 14 NFL Picks Having Trouble Breathing

December 04, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I’ll be watching you
– The Police

These Week 14 NFL picks can’t breath! These Week 14 NFL picks can’t breath! Once more…  These week 14 NFL picks can’t breath!

That’s how a Cleveland Browns season always ends. The people choking it won’t listen.

Manziel and Hoyer I can't breathWe’ve been holding our breath while the Cleveland Browns vacillated between Brian Hoyer and Johnny Manziel. We have tried telling the people in charge, but they had no concern about all the quarterback controversies that have killed so many seasons in the past.

It’s just another Cleveland Browns season, seems to be the thinking. It’s not like it’s as valuable as, say, a New England Patriots season or a Dallas Cowboys season, right? When it happens to the Browns, no one really notices or cares if it happens again.

But we noticed. We screamed that we can’t breath, and yet Manziel versus Hoyer happened.
The team has always done this to me, but this… right in front of everybody, and then acting like it’s no big deal?

Really? Even non-Browns fans can’t breath. Hardly any Americans can breath any more in an atmosphere where it seems no one knows whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 14 NFL Picks Having Trouble Breathing” »

Week 13 NFL Picks Thankful In A Cool Blue Uniform Not To Be Indicted

November 26, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

I saw a butterfly in hell today
Will I die or go to jail today
– Lil Wayne

These week 13 NFL Picks put on a this cool blue uniform to give thanks for not being charged by a grand jury for picking the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl for each of the last 15 years.

I admitted to it, and there is evidence all over the place that it happened.Turkey police

But the grand jury in its wisdom decided that I picked the Browns to win all those Super Bowls in self defense. I said that I had no choice, and they chose to believe me because I have a cool blue uniform. I couldn’t believe it. I told them that each time I fired off a Super Bowl prediction, I felt that my life was in danger because the season was charging at me.

BrownsSo you know what I did this year, don’t you? I picked the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl again because, screw it, I can do whatever I want. Sure, there are witnesses who saw me pick the Browns all those other years. So?

I did it again because I claim I was scared when I did it. The season was charging at me like a demon.

Did you see how I used the words “charging at me” with such effect? I’ve learned if you use those words and you wear a cool blue uniform, you can do whatever you want.

But you’ve got to wear a cool blue uniform, which is about the same as wearing a blue Dallas Cowboys uniform in the 1990s and hanging out with Michael Irvin, or a blue New York Giants uniform in the 1980s and hanging out with Lawrence Taylor. With a blue uniform anything goes.

However, if you don’t wear a cool blue uniform, you have to obey the law and even some made-up ones by people wearing cool blue uniforms. If you do wear a cool blue uniform, you can do whatever you want and no one cares whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 13 NFL Picks Thankful In A Cool Blue Uniform Not To Be Indicted” »

Week 12 NFL Picks By An Immigration of Browns Fans

November 19, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

Got a dream to take them there
They’re coming to America
Got a dream they’ve come to share
They’re coming to America
– Neil Diamond

These week 12 NFL Picks have come to America with a dream to see the Cleveland Browns win the Super Bowl. Thankfully, the Prognosticator of the United States of America has issued an executive order to make my dream come true.

BrownsSo here I am in America, working the job you wish you had if you had really dumb wishes. I came here from the old country, and I do the hard work – what needs to be done. No one else would lower themselves to root for the Cleveland Browns for the last 20 years as I’ve done. People walk by and laugh. So what, I think. I am in America.immigration of Browns fans

I was once deported. Actually, the Cleveland Browns were deported to Baltimore and somehow returned to Cleveland three years later. I do not understand American laws, which are never fair. Sometimes that is good. Sometimes that is bad.

But now, by executive order, the Cleveland Browns are going to win the Super Bowl because of something called The Dream Act. I love living in America because I watch FOX News, which is a defender of all immigrants who got here two hundred years ago and most immigrants who got here 100 years ago. Two hundred years ago is when the Cleveland Browns last won an NFL championship, according to my Texas schoolbook, from which I learn everything.

As an immigrant, I get confused by American traditions. For instance, why doesn’t everyone root for the Cleveland Browns? If you lived in my old country and you didn’t root for the Cleveland Browns, you really wouldn’t want to know whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 12 NFL Picks By An Immigration of Browns Fans” »

Week 10 NFL Picks from the Perpetual Campaign State of Ohio

November 05, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season, Uncategorized

I went back to Ohio
But my city was gone
– The Pretenders

These Week 10 NFL Picks come from Hillary Clinton’s new condo in the battleground state of Ohio, where Cleveland versus Cincinnati shall define the future of the world for the next several years.

Browns versus BengalsOhio, of course, is THE bellwether state – being a virtual little America with all of the elements of big America. And Cleveland versus Cincinnati encompasses all of that. If Ohio is like America, think of Cincinnati as Alabama and Cleveland as Massachusetts. One of these places is smarter than the other.

And while both of these Ohio cities have professional football teams, neither one is the best professional football team in the state. That would be the team in the city of Columbus, the Ohio State Buckeyes, who don’t have to deal with the restrictions of the NFL salary cap. They can pay players whatever they want.

But on Thursday, the Buckeyes don’t play. It’s the Browns versus the Bengals in a game that is, in the words of Lebron James, probably the most important football game ever.

The winner of this game will determine the winner of the presidential election in 2016 when either the Republicans will carry the day with their slogan, “Four More Wars!” or the Democrats will win with their slogan, “We Can’t Agree On A Slogan.” And it should be obvious that that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 10 NFL Picks from the Perpetual Campaign State of Ohio” »

Week 9 NFL Picks; A Midterm Ode To Manning Versus Brady

November 02, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

They told him, Don’t ever come around here
Don’t want to see your face, you better disappear
– Michael Jackson

These Week 9 NFL Picks vote for the Peyton Manning versus Tom Brady rivalry for an Oscar, a Tony, a Grammy, an Emmy, and because we are Browns fans, a Bernie.

We’d vote for both of them for Congress in every race if we could. They sure could quarterback this country, huh? We think Putin would freak if he heard Manning yelling, “Omaha!”

brady versus manningBy we, I mean the shadow corporation backing the LLC that operates the non-profit overseas partnership that controls this website. What’s Gonna Happen is like a cross between the Mafia and the Koch Brothers – a mere barometer of the times we live in. That election on Tuesday? It’s ours.

We have been accused of trying to rig this midterm election. We are not trying.

But our hearts are pure when we bring you this message on the rivalry of Manning versus Brady.

The rivalry spans three teams, two men, and one conference. As the century turned, the rivalry was born, unknowingly to everyone but the script writer and, perhaps, the actors. It has been theatrical, musical; lyrical, and mythical.

Manning versus Brady. You wish your team was part of this.

Let’s say, for some reason, you were a Cleveland Browns fan. Why would we wish this on you? Our hearts are pure…. pure evil.

Yeah, so let’s say you were cursed with rooting for the Cleveland Browns with a quarterback carousel more than twenty names long while Brady and Manning have been the gold standard of a rivalry for more than a decade. If that were the case, you would wish your team was part of this.

Brady versus Manning, both playing great at a midway point of the season is how a rivalry gets to win a Bernie so early every year. Sure, this stuff is rigged. You know it, and we know it. Just don’t tell anyone.

See, we know who wins every election anywhere. The president of your local garden club? That’s us. The vice president of Mrs. Stevens 3rd grade class in Peoria? Us too. We did it the same way we backed all the candidates that will win in Tuesday’s election. We backed them with a campaign strategy of manilla envelopes stuffed with unmarked cash, as this is a foolproof way to make sure you get to say whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 9 NFL Picks; A Midterm Ode To Manning Versus Brady” »

Week 8 NFL Picks On Vigilant High Canadian Alert

October 23, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

They don’t give a damn about any trumpet playing band
It ain’t what they call rock and roll
– Dire Straits

These Week 8 NFL Picks admit from Canada that no one here knew President Obama created the security breach that allowed the Jacksonville Jaguars to beat the Cleveland Browns last week.

We are saddened by what happened. We are now vigilant. Even the Oakland Raiders frighten us.

CanadaOur heroes at FOX News explained that the loss to the Jaguars was Obama’s fault, just like that recent terror attack on Canada. Obama has been a terrible leader for Canada, and it now seems that almost everyone we know has Ebola, or a couple of terrorists in their family.

There has been a lot of confusion around here. Fans rushing around, wondering if order will be restored. It will. It has to be. Usually order means the Cleveland Browns are on the bottom, but now there is finally a new world order in which the people who terrorized the Cleveland Browns realize they messed with the wrong team.

For instance, it has taken decades but this next game against the Oakland Raiders is revenge for the Browns playoff loss to the Raiders in 1980. Vigilant, eh?

That’s right, the Raiders don’t frighten us. Sure, it’s only been three paragraphs but that’s enough time to laugh at our previous fear. The Raiders are a joke of a threat. Yeah, the Jaguars were too. What’s your point?

Our point is  that we will not be intimidated by these laughable threats because we believe in Cleveland Browns exceptionalism, that everything is Obama’s fault, and especially in whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 8 NFL Picks On Vigilant High Canadian Alert” »

Week 7 NFL Picks From Inside of A Protective Suit

October 16, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

Tell me a story
About how you adore me
– The Rolling Stone

These Week 7 NFL Picks are coming from inside the protective suit of my warped perspective, as my favorite football team is about to play its next three games against the Jacksonville Jaguars, Oakland Raiders, and Tampa Bay Buccaneers – combined record, 1-16.

I have a false sense of confidence. It makes me extraordinarily happy.Browns

I feel so secure in my belief that the Cleveland Browns are about to look like the best team in the NFL that I’m sure it will, within weeks, be clear to everyone else that there is no saving me from this fever and these delusions. And that’s fine with me too.

protective suitIf the end comes and I must bury this NFL season as I have every other NFL season of my life, abandoned by the team that I love, I will savor my team from inside of this protective suit, with no peripheral vision to speak of.

Living inside this protective suit is really not that bad. Did you know you can tailgate inside these things. Yep, I’ve got beer in here and I’m cooking cheeseburgers. So frankly, I don’t care whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 7 NFL Picks From Inside of A Protective Suit” »