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Archive for the ‘2016 Season’

Week 17 NFL Picks Saying Goodbye To 2016

December 28, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

News guy wept and told us
Earth was really dying
– David Bowie

These Week 17 NFL Picks would like to take one final time to say goodbye to David Bowie, the United States of America, and the Cleveland Browns year-long losing streak.

All will be missed in their own way.

david-bowieThe Browns began the year by pinning their hopes on fragile-as-glass Robert Griffin III, who was last good during the first Obama administration. And now, after the most emotional win an 0-14 team could ever have, the Browns are pinning their hopes on the football season ending.

It’s been that kind of year. Heroes died, an unstable authoritarian was elected president by folks educated from Texas schoolbooks, and one win out of 15 games is what my favorite NFL team called “their Super Bowl.” It seemed like reality cracked.

The NFL, which throws the American flag and the military and God and how much they care about women in our face during every game, sure showed their moral compass this year. goodbye-2016

The all-knowing league suspended Tom Brady for four games for doing something that they can’t prove, suspended Josh Gordon indefinitely for smoking pot, which is legal in several states in America, and allowed Tyreek Hill, who beat up his pregnant girlfriend, to run around scoring touchdowns for the Kanas City Chiefs.

Old acquaintances, like that year-long losing streak and common decency, must be forgotten. As the season and the year mercifully come to an end, we soon realize that as bad as 2016 was, there’s another year coming.

In 2017, just imagine whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 17 NFL Picks Saying Goodbye To 2016” »

Week 16 NFL Picks By ‘Give A Browns Fan For Christmas’

December 21, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

Everybody having a good time except you
You were talking about the end of the world
– U2

These Week 16 NFL picks would like to suggest that you give a Cleveland Browns fan as a gift to any loved one having a tough day.

You could send a Cleveland Browns fan over their house to sit in the corner and make your loved one feel better about their own predicament.

owen-16This is a great gift for fans of all other NFL teams, as well as anyone who is still freaking out about the election.

The end of the world is coming? Cheer up, you could be a Browns fan.

Sending a Cleveland Browns fan over someone’s house is probably the nicest thing you can do for anyone’s self esteem.

It really is the perfect gift. All you have to do is feed the Browns fan some pizza and a lot of beer, and occasionally listen to some pathetic story about Bernie Kosar and when the Browns were good enough to not get to the Super Bowl.

browns-ornamentIt’s a weird story and no one outside of Cleveland seems to understand, but if you bear with with this one glitch in the design of the perfect present, you’ll be glad you did.

It is literally impossible to have a bad day when you have a Cleveland Browns fan sitting in the corner, mumbling to himself.

These are scary times in America. Many NFL teams are not very good. Some are very bad. But if you give a Cleveland Browns fan as a gift, your loved ones, no matter how tough their day or how bad their team, is sure to smile at their circumstance.

In fact, get one for yourself, and you’ll smile at whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 16 NFL Picks By ‘Give A Browns Fan For Christmas’” »

Week 15 NFL Picks By The Russians

December 20, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

I’m back in the USSR
You don’t how luck you are, boys
– The Beatles

These Week 15 NFL Picks, using information from the Russians, waited until after all the games were played to make a prediction. I only got one wrong.

I would also like to thank the the Russians for hacking the Week 14 NFL Picks last week. Based on information from the Russians, that fool picked the Cleveland Browns to win.

Meanwhile, the Russians have used Julian Assange to steal secrets from the CIA, who then found out that the Russians did all this just because they have it in for the Cleveland Browns.

russian-hackerSo follow along… Vladimir Putin used to run the KGB. The last time Johnny Manziel was seen as a member of the Browns, he was in Las Vegas wearing a blond wig and fake mustache and telling everyone his name was “Billy.” This is KGB-like behavior.

Think about it. The last time the Cleveland Browns won, Johnny Manziel was their quarterback.Money-Manziel.jpg

It all adds up to the Russians.

And I would care except that President-Elect Trump has picked me to be Secretary Of Forecasting.

I have been picking the Cleveland Brown to win every week since 1999. They have lost almost every week since 1999. The Browns have lost every game this season. Clearly, I am the best candidate.

Who could be better to forecast what is going to happen than someone who has been consistently wrong. I know how losers think. So now that I am part of team Trump, I’ll pick winners. You see this, right?  Continue reading “Week 15 NFL Picks By The Russians” »

Week 14 NFL Picks From Under A Tin Foil Hat

December 10, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

What do you get for pretending the danger’s not real
Meek and obedient you follow the leader
– Pink Floyd

These week 14 NFL picks are wearing the most outlandish tin foil hat I can find outside of a red one that says, “Make America Great Again.” Yes, it’s a Cleveland Browns hat.

That means that I believe the Browns are in the NFL.

tin-foil-hatSo don’t tell me that my tin foil hat isn’t the best. I know where you eat pizza.

And now I’ve read the CIA report that the Pittsburgh Steelers have been interfering in the operations of Cleveland Browns. That must be why the Cleveland Browns have not won a game in a year. Outside meddling.

But just because this hat is made of tin foil doesn’t mean that I think Robert Griffin III is a franchise quarterback. the-end-of-Browns-season-is-near.jpg

I am a realist.

For instance, under this in foil hat I’d like to believe the that the Electoral college is not going to elect Donald Trump as the last President of the United States of America. But I am a realist.

That’s why I believe the Cleveland Browns are going to win the Super Bowl. And I believe in Santa Claus.

But I don’t believe crazy crazy stuff like thinking that Donald Trump cares more about working people than Saturday Night Live.

I am a tin foil hat optimist. You want fake news? The Cleveland Browns are the best team in the NFL. Don’t research it. Just share.

If you do, just imagine whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 14 NFL Picks From Under A Tin Foil Hat” »

Week 13 NFL Picks From The Fake News

December 03, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

What do you get for pretending the danger’s not real
Meek and obedient you follow the leader
– Pink Floyd

These Week 13 NFL Picks have been curated by the KGB and by Alex Jones of Infowars for their veracity. In other words, this bullshit is completely false.

But since you won’t bother to check, this bullshit is completely believable to a smart good-looking person like yourself.

See, we know you don’t care about facts. So neither do we. We are picking the Cleveland Browns to win this week, and they don’t even play. At least they will not lose. So in reality, that’s a win.

And you can’t lose with fake news as long as you don’t ask any questions. browns-cat

Here is a picture of a cat. Now please share this crap.

Did you know the Pittsburgh Steelers are named so because they steal victories unfairly? It’s true. Many people are saying so.

The New Orleans Saints are not actually saints. I know, I know. Believe me folks. And yet the New England Patriots are patriots. I love Tom Brady and he loves me. When Mitt Romney was governor, Tom and I were married. Then we each met models. I’m just telling you what I heard.

The NFL draft is unfairly biased towards those who can tell the difference between star quarterback and a drunk guy floating on an inflatable swan. Everyone knows that, just as everyone knows that the scoring system in Cleveland Browns games is biased towards teams that score more points.

fake-newsEverything is unfair and rigged.

If things weren’t rigged, the Cleveland Browns would have won every game this year, but millions of points were scored illegally. No, I don’t have any proof. I am saying so. Now many people are saying so. What other proof do you need?

I know that you are pretty sure I am completely full of shit, but I also know that I have created a shadow of a doubt inside of you. And I will continue do do so for the next four years.

In four years, the Browns might win the Super Bowl. Or the world might end. Anything could happen.

So don’t think about whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 13 NFL Picks From The Fake News” »

Week 12 NFL Picks From Bait & Switch University

November 24, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

In the garden I was playing the tart
I kissed your lips and broke your heart
You, you were acting like it was the end of the world
– U2

These Week 12 NFL Picks just settled a $25 million fraud case against me. I have advised betting on the Cleveland Browns to win every week since 1999. What is fraudulent about that advice?

Nothing. It’s fantastic advice. I have won a lot of money off of people who have taken that advice. I am a brilliant businessman.

Still, I settled the case because I have more important things to do. brownself_thumb.jpg

I am now reviewing Broadway musicals. I have reviewed one play so far. I didn’t see Hamilton. I hated it.

If you would like to bet a large amount at the Trump University Casino on the Browns winning this year’s Super Bowl, you can earn a Master’s degree in ‘Thank You Very Much’ from Trump University.

Anyway, as your Prognosticator-Elect, I would like to wish everyone who voted for me a Happy Thanksgiving. And for those who didn’t vote for me, chill out. I didn’t mean anything I said.

Here, have some white meat.

It should be obvious by now that everything I ever said was a giant bait & switch, including this week’s game between the New York Giants and the Cleveland Browns. The Giants are from New York, which has Broadway and the show ‘Hamilton’, which I hear is highly overrated. There should be a fraud case against Hamilton.

trump-diplomaThe people in the show were much ruder to Mike Pence than a defensive line is to a Cleveland Browns quarterback. You want show tunes? Those people will be singing in the rain on the other side of the wall in a couple of months.

The cast of Hamilton… gone! The New York Times… gone! The San Francisco 49ers and Colin Kaepernick… gone!

And oh yeah, the Pittsburgh Steelers, Baltimore Ravens and Cincinnati Bengals… gone! Over the wall! That’s my plan to make the Cleveland Browns great again.

So yeah, Trump University totally recommends that you place all your money on the Cleveland Browns winning all their games for the rest of the year.

If you would like to bet a large amount at the Trump University Casino on the Browns winning this year’s Super Bowl, you can earn a Master’s degree in ‘Thank You Very Much’ from Trump University. It would be an honor for you to get it, and certainly an honor for me to stick it to you.

Did I say ‘stick it to you?’

I never apologize. That’s whatzgonnahappen.  Continue reading “Week 12 NFL Picks From Bait & Switch University” »

Week 11 NFL Picks By A Protester – ‘Not My Picks’

November 16, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

But if you want money for people with minds that hate
All I can tell you is brother you have to wait
Don’t you know it’s gonna be
All right, all right, all right
– The Beatles

These Week 11 NFL picks would like to say these are not my NFL picks. Somebody else voted for them.

The things said in these NFL Picks are deeply offensive to me. The Cleveland Browns are going to win? Really? Insult my intelligence some more, why don’t you?

Not My NFL Picks

The worst part of the election is that these are now going to be the official NFL Picks because of the Electoral College. I’ll tell you what. I’d like to see the Electoral College play Ohio State, and see what happens. That’s how the election should have been decided.

So yeah, I am protesting in the exact same way that those Tea Party people protested eight years ago when these NFL Picks said that the Cleveland Browns were going to win.

Wait, what?

Could it be that we have more in common than either of us think?

Nah, that couldn’t be. That would disrupt my entire belief system as well as the income streams of the cable news networks that feed me and those on the other side our belief systems. The Browns can only stink because the other side is at fault. That’s the rules.

But it does seem a coincidence that the Browns stunk 16 years ago and changed plans and I protested, and then they stunk eight years ago and changed plans and you protested, and they stink now and they changed plans again and I am protesting.

So okay, I’ll stop protesting. I am willing to give the crazy man a chance to make the Cleveland Browns great again.

Wait a minute, he just appointed who?

I’m going back into the streets because, frankly, I am terrified of whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 11 NFL Picks By A Protester – ‘Not My Picks’” »

Week 10 NFL Picks By An Angry Midwestern Voter

November 09, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

Oh, a storm is threatening
My very life today
If I don’t get some shelter
Oh yeah, I’m gonna fade away
– The Rolling Stones

These Week 10 NFL Picks voted for Donald J. Trump because the Cleveland Browns have not won a game all year.

You should have known how desperate we are here in Ohio when we took a baseball guy and put him in charge of our football team. We are willing to try crazy, and at this point we don’t care what anyone thinks.

This was a vote with our middle finger. No, we didn’t think it though. Except for the middle finger part. We’ve been pondering that for decades.

president-trump-in-ohioThe elitists on the east coast and the west coast with their real NFL teams that win actual NFL games look down on us as flyover territory as they look down on the Browns as a walkover team.

This is a depressed area, and no one has paid attention for a couple of generations. We especially don’t care what anyone using the condescending ‘rest belt’ metaphor has to say about this place that once had a great football team to root for, and is now reduced to cheering for the disaster that is the modern Cleveland Browns.

So to get revenge, we paid extra close attention to this election and then decided to ignore many, many facts because, well, our middle finger is about the only thing we have left to say.

The Browns have worked in the system. They tried a defensive coordinator as head coach. They tried an offensive coordinator. They tried a college coach. They even tried a general manager who urged fans to root for Buffalo.

Nothing worked. Same with our economy here. Democrats. Republicans. Once every four years, what you call the rust belt is important for a minute because maybe there’s a Super Bowl team from Green Bay or an election,  and then we are fodder for comics. Well guess who’s laughing now.

Okay, we’re not laughing either. We just realized what actually happened.burn-it-down-browns

Do we believe Donald J. Trump can fix everything? No. But we’ve been devastated by trade agreements here. Have you heard of Johnny Manziel?

Sure, many of the things Donald Trump says are deplorable. And, in fact, a lot of other people who voted for him really are quite deplorable. But not us. All of our friends, who look very much like us, tell us so.

All this talk completely misses the point. Many of our jobs have left. Once, even our NFL team left.

Ignoring us for decades has led us to do something so crazy that it made sense until now, when it’s too late and we actually think about whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 10 NFL Picks By An Angry Midwestern Voter” »

Week 9 NFL Picks From The Edge Of The Apocalypse

November 05, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

And you tell me
Over and over and over again my friend
That you don’t believe
We’re on the eve of destruction
– Barry McGuire

These Week 9 NFL Picks would like to congratulate the one-term president that America is about to elect and then most likely impeach. You may as well be the coach of the Cleveland Browns.

The next president has as much chance of legally getting through four years in office as a Cleveland Browns coach has of keeping the job for four years.

apocalypse BrownsOne is certain to be impeached in the first 100 days in office. The other is likely to tear up the Constitution and throw out the whole four-years-in-office thing altogether.

For Browns fans, this election is akin to a choice between current owner Jimmy Haslam, who is a borderline criminal, and former owner Art Modell, who made a deal with the Russia of the NFL, Baltimore, and then encouraged Baltimore to annex the Browns. Which it did. (See: Baltimore Ravens).

This one is easy. I have to go with the borderline criminal over the traitor.

But having just voted for the lesser of two evils, I am worried that the greater of two evils is going to win, the same as has happened in every Cleveland Browns game this year. The Cleveland Browns are 0-8.

Meanwhile, the Cleveland Indians just lost an epic World Series to a team that hasn’t won since Teddy Roosevelt was president. And the Cleveland Cavaliers are World champions. David Bowie is dead. These are signs of the Apocalypse.

So say hello to President Donald J. Trump. Unless Hillary Clinton wins. In either case, I fear America is not going to enjoy whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 9 NFL Picks From The Edge Of The Apocalypse” »

Week 8 NFL Picks From An October Email Surprise

October 29, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

You can’t hide your lyin’ eyes
And your smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you’d realize
There ain’t no way to hide your lyin’ eyes
– The Eagles

Boo! This Halloween, we’ve gone nuclear. These Week 8 NFL picks are dressed as an October surprise. No, not a Cleveland Browns win. This isn’t fiction.

hillary-fbiI am sending you this top secret confidential email that I expect neither the FBI nor the Russians to read because I am concerned that Wikileaks may have a transcript of my very lucrative speech to the Cleveland Browns when I recommended taking a quarterback with the number 22 pick in the first round of every NFL draft.

At the time of my speech, the Clinton Foundation was doing charitable work for the saddest fan base on Earth. And we do good work. Look what we’ve done for Cubs and Indians fans. But, not all of it is successful although it all is pretty damn lucrative.

Anyway, I’d obviously prefer that some transcripts of my speeches, like when I spoke about why Gus Bradley is a great coach, don’t get out there. I’m all about keeping secrets. I have a public face, a private face, and a game face. That’s how I roll.

So don’t worry, this email will never make the news. I’m very careful. Just ask my IT guy, Vladimir. He’s the bare-chested guy on the horse.

trump-helmetThis Halloween, as the orange-helmeted among you do the easy thing and dress as my orange-haired opponent, I’d like to remind you that election day really is trick or treat.

Only there’s no treat. It’s a giant trick. You might even say it’s like turning a trick.

The other costume I considered before settling on an October surprise was dressing as America on the day after the 2016 presidential election. But the muskets were sold out.

Of course, this is all between you and me, and not the Russians or the FBI.

So please, whatever you do, keep this email as secret as the Browns formula for winning. No one has ever seen that.

And while no one apparently ever will see the Browns plan for winning, it has come to my attention that some of my emails in the past may have been hacked and then sent, wrapped in a red Russian bow, to Donald Trump. That, I believe, is what has happened with the Browns winning formula. It has been stolen by the Russians.

That’s why I fear this election may be rigged, unless it isn’t, which I also fear. One of those is whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 8 NFL Picks From An October Email Surprise” »