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Archive for the ‘2017 Playoffs’

NFL Conference Championship Picks By A Bleak & Glorious Destiny

January 21, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Playoffs

Well there ain’t no time to wonder why
Whoopee, we’re all gonna die
– Country Joe & The Fish

These righteous NFL Conference Championship Picks, hiding from American carnage, would like to point out that for far too long the establishment of good NFL football teams has protected only itself, not the Cleveland Browns.

Trump Fist 1Today’s ceremony has very special meaning. While we are here to celebrate the peaceful transfer of power through the violence and pageantry of two conference championship football games, the real transfer of power begins today, right now, back to the Cleveland Browns, who were great in the 1950s. Because of you, we are going to make the Cleveland Browns great again.

While others teams flourished by playing good football, Browns jerseys of quarterbacks who arrived with great hope and failed in many unique balls of flame, are scattered like tombstones in closets from Parma to Lyndhurst, the salary cap is flush with cash but the the roster is deprived of talent, and drugs have stolen a quarterback and wide receiver of their unrealized potential.

This Cleveland Browns carnage stops right here and right now.brownself.jpg

While the Green Bay Packers are playing the Atlanta Falcons, it’s important to remember we all love green money. I love green money. I am a green money lover.

I also love Tom Brady and Belichick, who told me to work harder than anyone who doesn’t know how to cheat. Plus, we all have the same goal, to eradicate the Pittsburgh Steelers from the face of the winning column.

So to every single NFL fan out there, whether you root for the Cleveland Browns, or if you are a fan of the Browns or even if the Browns are your favorite NFL team, you will never be ignored again. We are all one saluting the same glorious NFL team, and no other. That’s my idea of freedom.

Your voice, your hopes and your dreams have made this moment possible. The time for empty talk is over. Now arrives the hour of action. Together, we will make the Cleveland Browns great again. From this day forward, it’s going to only be the Cleveland Browns first.Trump Fist

We will bring back our wins. We will bring back our bragging. We will bring back our obnoxiousness. Every decision on trade, draft and free agents will be made to benefit the number of wins for the Cleveland Browns. We will follow two simple rules: Win games, and Don’t lose games.

As a bedrock of our politics will be a total allegiance to the Cleveland Browns. When you discover loyalty to the Cleveland Browns, you will discover empathy for the less fortunate. But when the Browns start winning, you will never have to feel empathy again. That’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “NFL Conference Championship Picks By A Bleak & Glorious Destiny” »

2017 NFL Divisional Round NFL Teaching The Controversy

January 13, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Playoffs

And they’re coming to take me away Ha Ha
They’re coming to take me away ho ho he he ha ha
– Napoleon XIV

These Divisional Round NFL Picks were just called fake news by President-Elect Donald Trump. We are not fake news. We teach the controversy.

brady-trumpFor instance, there are many reports out that the Cleveland Browns finished this past season with a 1-15 record. It could have been 1-15. It could have been anything. No really one knows. I say they finished 16-0. So clearly there is a dispute on the facts. A controversy, if you will.

There are a lot of really smart people looking into this but I can tell you one thing for certain: these are fantastic NFL picks.

I have spent so much time studying Tom Brady versus the Houston Texans defense that I had to turn down the honor of being the 90 millionth person asked to perform at the Trump inauguration. He wanted me to perform my original song, “I Want Everything Now,” but I told him he he had to wait until later. When he asked when, I said after he is impeached.

Trying to figure out whether Richard Sherman can contain Julio Jones has consumed me to the point that I have not seen the Wikileaks report on Trump and his taxes. That came out, right?Trump fake news

And while I have been chilling champagne in the anticipation of the Chiefs beating the Steelers, who I hate more than anyone who may have hacked the election and installed a maniac as President, I think I missed when FBI director James Comey said Debbie Wasserman Schultz was a Russian agent.

Finally, I cannot wait for when rookie Dak Prescott and Aaron Rodgers do battle because it should be more entertaining than nuclear war.

Yes, we are worried about whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “2017 NFL Divisional Round NFL Teaching The Controversy” »

WildCard Weekend NFL Picks By Julian Assange

January 05, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Playoffs

Haven’t you heard it’s a battle of words
The poster bearer cried
Listen son, said the man with the gun
There’s room for you inside
– Pink Floyd

These Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks are dumb as a bag of rocks. We are not part of the intelligence community. We spent the season picking the Cleveland Browns to win games.

But this weekend our advice comes from from Julian Assange, who told us he did not get these picks from a shirtless Russian named Pladimir Vutin.

assange_thumb.jpgWe are so confused. We used to rely on our intelligence community.

But our intelligence community told us that Julian Assange actually did get these wildcard weekend NFL picks from the Russians. This, of course, is the same intelligence community that told us the Cleveland Browns would win every week this year. They were right once in 16 tries.2012nfl-picks-pinwheel.jpg

What we know is that Julian Assange said he got these Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks from a 400-pound kid in his mother’s basement. We can’t verify this. We didn’t weigh the kid.

We’re so dumb, we actually don’t trust anyone’s story on these Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks. Once, in fact, when Julian Assange was picking against the Browns, some have quoted us as saying it would be a good idea to execute him.

We may have overstated that a bit. Now we think he is a hero. Next week, just as in these games, who knows what we’ll think or whatzgonnahappen: Continue reading “WildCard Weekend NFL Picks By Julian Assange” »