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Archive for the ‘2017 Season’

Week 17 NFL Picks From The Glue Factory That Was 2017

December 30, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

I was dreamin’ when I wrote this
Forgive me if it goes astray
But when I woke up this mornin’
Coulda sworn it was judgement day
– Prince

These Week 17 NFL picks have made a New Year’s resolution to begin sniffing glue again.

Trying to process everything that went wrong in 2017 has my brain moving as slow as a three-year old $700 iPhone – it is essentially useless.

For instance, my favorite NFL team, the Cleveland Browns, play every game as if there is a law against winning them winning. And as a fan, I also assume that law exists.

But in fairness, some things actually went better than expected. The President of the United States did not start World War III, and he did not start a new civil war. Both were totally unexpected.

But mostly, this year stunk as bad as every one of my predictions that the Cleveland Browns would win, which they never did.

The never-ending wars did not end, every human I know is living through a 7-inch screen, and the intentions of our President are as pure as the contents of Steve Bannon’s liver. And then there is the Cleveland Browns decision to keep coach Hue Jackson, who has pulled off a record of 1-30 in his Browns coaching career so far. The factory of sadness is now a nuclear power plant.

America has been made great again by doing a great redistribution of wealth from the poor back to the rich, where the money obviously belongs. The President continues to threaten North Korea like he is a bully in a schoolyard, while the Browns have blown up their front office after vowing they would not blow it up.

The truth is flexible, but losing is not. And so here I again predicting that the Cleveland Browns will win, this week against the junior varsity for the Pittsburgh Steelers. I am a blind squirrel. I expect to find an acorn this week.

But I have a full container of glue ready, next to a keg of beer, a bottle of Jack Daniels, a pack of Lucky Strikes, a Bible, a Pentagram and my cell phone where I am staring in fear into a 7-inch screen, fearing the next Tweet and wondering now Whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 17 NFL Picks From The Glue Factory That Was 2017” »

Week 15 NFL Picks & The End of Net (and all) Neutrality

December 14, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

Fight the power
We’ve got to fight the powers that be
– Public Enemy

These week 15 NFL Picks love the new system for the NFL draft, in which the Super Bowl champion is rewarded with the first pick in the NFL draft.

It will create incentive for loser teams like the Cleveland Browns to win. It will trickle down, like just wealthy pee on their poor heads. It is a Donald Trump fantasy, and it is real.

And while every American, whether they want to be or not, is part of the President’s fantasy life come true, there is nothing quite like being a loser in his world.

On the other hand, he can be so outrageous and entertaining on Twitter that it’s worth it and, well, as he said, the Browns deserve this. Browns fans deserve this. I deserve this. My team hasn’t won Lyndon Johnson was in the White House.

Everything continues according a decades-long plan that feels like it was dreamt up by a James Bond villain with an eyepatch and one arm who lives on an island with the monkey he has trained to pick quarterbacks for the Cleveland Browns. It is the same monkey that wrote the tax reform and the last few GOP health care bills.

As a loser, I know this is both logical and fair. So just after I say, thank you, I’ll meekly ask, now whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 15 NFL Picks & The End of Net (and all) Neutrality” »

Week 13 NFL Picks From The United States Of Schadenfreude

December 01, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

You got a lotta nerve
To say you are my friend
When I was down, you just stood there grinning
– Bob Dylan

These Week 13 NFL picks, drinking strong vodka lockherups with my best friends, General Michael Flynn and Matt Lauer, can see Dr. Schadenfreude enjoying my misery as the Cleveland Browns sit at a perfect record of 0-11.

Rejoicing at the misery of others is the new American thing to do, isn’t it?

Well, I’ve got news for you and your joy.

My Cleveland Browns misery is older and deeper and wiser than your newfound happiness upon discovering my sadness, so just move on to taking joy in the the misery of someone who hasn’t rooted for a team in the midst of a two-decades loser streak.

It’s beyond a losing streak. It’s a loser streak. There’s a difference. Ask President Trump, who keeps losing but calls everyone else a loser. That’s how it works if you are him, and only him.

On the other hand, the Cleveland Browns are losing and they are losers.

My point is, your schadenfreude means nothing to me. I live for sadness. The city I grew up in has built a factory of sadness. Yes, it is a literal factory from which they ship sadness to me every week.

As we enter the worst month of both the year and the football season, December, it is important to remember that everything that has come before means nothing.

The plan moving forward is to make things worse, by providing false hope, a couple of meaningless wins led by probably the best wide receiver and criminal in America. And then what?

It’s sort of like impeaching a president only to have him start a nuclear war. Not that that could happen.

But in Cleveland, Josh Gordon will leave for the New England Patriots or Dallas Cowboys and carve out a Hall of Fame career while the Browns and their meaningless wins will make the team fall short of drafting the franchise quarterback they so desperately need.

I’ve seen the script. So leave me to be miserable alone because, sadly, I know exactly whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 13 NFL Picks From The United States Of Schadenfreude” »

Week 12 NFL Picks From Uncle Bob’s Thanksgiving Table

November 22, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

You didn’t have to love me like you did
But you did, but you did
And I thank you
– ZZ Top

Uncle Bob, please pass these week 12 NFL Picks the gravy. And some hope. Good God, please pass that too, Uncle Bob.

No, Uncle Bob, I don’t want to hear about how “those people” are ruining America, unless you are talking about Jimmy Haslam, Sashi Brown and Hue Jackson. Then, Uncle Bob, you are right. And thank you for the gravy.

Let me ask you something, Uncle Bob. Why am I always so sad? No, I don’t think Aunt Martha ruined the turkey, Uncle Bob. I mean always. Every week, I try not to be sad, and every week on Sunday, I end up so darn sad. Why is that, Uncle Bob?

Do you think I have fallen in love with the wrong football team, Uncle Bob? What if the Cleveland Browns and I weren’t meant to be together?

I hate to bring up this emotional stuff at a family dinner while you are carving the turkey, Uncle Bob, but I honestly think my football team doesn’t love me, and it hasn’t loved me for 20 years. (Sobs) Why am I so sad, Uncle Bob?

No, Uncle Bob, I am not sad because Aunt Martha nags you about all that inappropriate stuff you do and say. I am sad because Deshone Kizer likes to throw to the ball to the wrong team in the wrong uniform. That’s inappropriate.

You see, Uncle Bob, I am not thankful for anything anymore. The coach of my football team thinks the general manager of my football team is an incompetent nerd. The general manager of my football team was the one who hired the incompetent coach who thinks the general manager is an incompetent nerd. The owner is most likely a criminal, while history tells us that any random homeless guy may be running the team next year.

This is the team that I worship, Uncle Bob. I always give it my full faith. Do you see how I am so sad?

And, Uncle Bob, your President hates my country. That’s also why I am so sad. I know, I know, I spent all that time talking about my religion, and now I am talking about politics. Everything is just so sad.

But go ahead, Uncle Bob, carve your damn turkey and give your damn thanks.

I say thanks for nothing. In fact, I refuse to eat until the Cleveland Browns win another game.  Um, on second thought, Uncle Bob, I’ll have a drumstick.

If I wait to eat until the Browns next win, starvation is whatzgonnahappen Continue reading “Week 12 NFL Picks From Uncle Bob’s Thanksgiving Table” »

Week 11 NFL Picks And The Tax Conspiracy

November 19, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

Dirty deeds, done dirt cheep
Dirty deeds and they’re done dirt cheap

These Week 11 NFL Picks have learned that the new tax bill means the New England Patriots can write off Tom Brady but the Cleveland Browns must pay full taxes for DeShone Kizer.

This tax bill also means I can now write off my private jet but I cannot write off the school supplies I buy for the third grade class that I teach, well indoctrinate really. History stops in 1964 in my class. And in math, up is down which means my students believe the Cleveland Browns are currently undefeated.

What? This is America. I can choose my facts and then freely indoctrinate others based on my alternative facts. I saw it on FOX News, and in the White House, and on Breitbart, and well, Facebook.

And while I am almost never concerned about the little guy, who wouldn’t be little if he just tried harder to be big, I do have a soft spot for the Cleveland Browns. It’s sort of how President Trump feels about UCLA basketball players getting caught shoplifting in China. I wouldn’t tolerate this behavior, and would mock this behavior from anyone else.

But because I like sports, I am hoping the Chinese government, or whoever has been holding the Cleveland Browns in NFL jail since 1996, grants them the freedom to not just exist, but to win.

What has always been unclear to both myself and my hero, Alex Jones of Infowars, is why the Deep State, the Chinese government, and President Trump are spending all this energy conspiring to keep the Cleveland Browns down?

I asked Julian Assange of Wikileaks, but he said he was currently busy worshipping at his altar of Donald Trump, and he added that he doesn’t know anything about conspiracies.

So the Cleveland Browns are nine losses into their first nine games, and the NFL has finally decided to offer a tax rebate that has been due for a few years now, Josh Gordon. Oh wait, he’s still not here yet. He has been promised before.

Never trust the government, or Roger Goodell. They play favorites. And when that happens, everyone then knows whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 11 NFL Picks And The Tax Conspiracy” »

Week 9 NFL Picks Under Indictment

November 02, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

Well you’re where you should be all the time
And when you’re not you’re with
Some underworld spy, or the wife of a close friend
– Carly Simon

The recent indictment of the Cleveland Browns season is fake news to these Week 9 NFL picks. The Browns don’t lose every week. They won’t lose this week.

Sure, some members of the staff may have colluded with the Philadelphia Eagles to deliver the best quarterback in the league to that team. And, okay, they may possibly have also colluded with the Houston Texans to deliver the most exciting rookie quarterback ever to that team.

But there has been no collusion, believe me.

Other teams are bad. It’s not just the Cleveland Browns. The San Francisco 49ers are bad. Wait, what? The 49ers just traded for who? The Browns wanted him. Or maybe they didn’t want him. Either way, NO COLLUSION!

There has been no collusion. The coaching staff can’t even work with the front office. Never mind what’s going on on Twitter.

And while there has been absolutely no collusion whatsoever, believe me, it’s apparent to anyone living in a white house in Cleveland, Ohio or even anywhere in the country that someone very high up is about to take a big fall.

Because if there was any collusion it’s the NFL colluding against Josh Gordon, who smoked pot and was suspended a total of 56 games while the standard suspension for domestic violence is six games. That’s not fake news. It’s just sad!

Under circumstances such as these, it’s so simple that anyone who has ever heard of a white house, knows that what should happen is probably not whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 9 NFL Picks Under Indictment” »

Week 8 NFL Picks From A Grassy Knoll

October 28, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

I shouted out,
Who killed the Kennedys?
When after all
It was you and me
– Rolling Stones

After more than five decades, secret files have been released showing I acted alone making these Week 8 NFL picks. Or did I?

Ever since the early 1960s, conspiracy theories have floated as to what exactly happened when the Cleveland Browns last won a championship. After that moment, our innocence died. Things would never be the same again. And for decades the government kept these juicy details locked away.

But now we know that the then new Browns owner, Art Modell was already secretly meeting with city officials in Baltimore with his now-clear plan to move the Browns to Baltimore three decades later.

We also know that starting in the 1999 and probably continuing to this day, the parents of future Browns quarterbacks have conspired to produce a mediocre quarterbacks, 28 and counting. This is like the Da Vinci Code, only it is called the Spergon Wynn Code.

As soon as they won their last championship in 1964, they began a spiral that started in the next championship game with a 65-12 thrashing from the Green Bay Packers.

Soon they’d be losing to the Dallas Cowboys in championship games. Dallas, of all cities. Something else historic happened in Dallas in the early 1960s too. I can’t remember what.

But the Browns were done winning championships by the early 1960s. The Browns started losing championship games to Dallas, and Green Bay, and the Baltimore Colts, who later moved to Indianapolis, which was part of the conspiracy.

Don’t say “Baltimore” around me. I’ve got a few conspiracy theories. Hello, Alex Jones…

And President Trump is part of it. Why do you think he’s keeping some of it secret. He signed Brian Sipe from the Browns for his goofy USFL when Brian Sipe was playing like an NFL MVP.

And everyone now knows, because of the released files, that Trump was planning that since the early 1960s when he was bored one November afternoon while cleaning his NRA-approved gun on a grassy knoll in Dallas.

And so, given history, you never know whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 8 NFL Picks From A Grassy Knoll” »

Week 7 NFL Picks, You Know What You Signed Up For

October 19, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

I can tell by your coat, my friend
you’re from the other side
There’s just one thing I got to know
Can you tell me please, who won?
– Crosby, Stills and Nash

These week 7 NFL Picks would like to express some awesome condolences to Cleveland Browns fans for all the losing. If you cheer for the Browns you know what signed up for, but I guess it still hurts.

Sure, every week I tell you they are going to win and every week they lose. I know it was actually me who told you they were going to win, but you signed up for it. Plus if you accuse me of predicting the Browns would win, I’ll deny it.

When you choose to root for that particular NFL team, you have chosen a team that may lose from now until eternity. You don’t see me cheering for the Cleveland Browns, do you?

I root for the New Jersey Generals, because I love generals.

So is this the greatest expression of sympathy ever, or what? I rate it a 10 out of 10. You won’t see Peter King or Mike Florio giving you Browns sympathy like this.

No NFL writer in the history of NFL writing has expressed such tremendous condolences. Not even Mark Twain or Shakespeare, when they covered the NFL, were as sympathetic to the plight of Cleveland Browns fans as me. And the Browns sucked during their eras too.

I know my facts. Hemingway covered the glory years. Other than that, there has been centuries of losing. Pathetic losing. My competition covering the Browns is not Peter King, it is Stephen King.

You know. You cheer for this horror show, right? It’s sad! You’re sad!

Seriously, am I the best or what?

Oh, you ARE sad? Yeah, well. That stinks. I mean it stinks for you.

Your team drafted Brady Quinn, Brandon Weeden and Johnny Manziel, all in the first round all within five years. And they all sucked, and you still root for the team. You know what you signed up for.

So have a great day. I’m now going to forget about your troubles and go golfing. Again and again, that’s whatzonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 7 NFL Picks, You Know What You Signed Up For” »

Week 6 NFL Picks Without Health Insurance

October 15, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

Doctor, doctor, give me the news
I’ve got a bad case of loving you
– Robert Palmer

These Week 6 NFL Picks suffer from a pre-existing condition called, Rooting For The Cleveland Browns.

There is no cure. Pharmaceutical companies have invested millions of dollars looking, but to no avail.

So when the President of the United States, working in conjunction with the leadership of the Cleveland Browns, took away the subsidies that pay for the treatment that doesn’t cure me, I was thrilled.

This is all true. None of it is fake news. Everyone knows that the President is obsessed with the NFL, and that he loves Ohio but hates the Browns. He has hated the Browns since he owned the New Jersey Generals and signed Brian Sipe.

And he has been working hard in recent years to make sure the Browns didn’t draft Carson Wentz, and didn’t draft Deshaun Watson, because he hates the Browns.

After convincing Jimmy Haslam that the best guy to run a football team is a baseball guy, the president gutted my health insurance with the NFL-specific purpose of making me suffer because he hates the Browns.

But he didn’t do his research. He can’t make the suffering worse. Can he? Please tell me that’s not whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 6 NFL Picks Without Health Insurance” »

Week 5 NFL Picks, Full of Thoughts & Prayers

October 07, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

Every day your memory grows dimmer
It doesn’t haunt me like it did before
I’ve been walking through the mirror to nowhere
Tryin’ to get to heaven before they close the door
– Bob Dylan

These week 5 NFL Picks, having done no research, would like to thank you for your thoughts and prayers after my horrible picks last week when I picked the Cleveland Browns to win.

This week, I am picking Browns. Yes, the Browns again. Every week, I pick the Browns and every week the Browns lose, and then you offer your thoughts and prayers.

Golly, thanks.

You have no idea how comforting that is, or is not. Seriously, you with your thoughts and prayers, who have never cheered for such a team ever, have no idea of this pain. Do you?

And while I have repeatedly asked for your help in learning about football, you said that now was not the time for me to learn the rules of football or what exactly a quarterback does.

That is a conversation for sometime in the future. That is what I have been told ever since I first asked.

Yet every week when I get the picks wrong, people are horrified. 

The Browns, again? Yes, the Browns again.

At this point, I can’t even remember why I am picking the Cleveland Browns to win again after so many horrible losses when my pleas for help are continually ignored. But I do.

It’s what happened, and forever it’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 5 NFL Picks, Full of Thoughts & Prayers” »