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Archive for the ‘2018 Playoffs’

NFL Conference Championship Picks By Doctor Bigmac McWhopper

January 19, 2018 By: BT Category: 2018 Playoffs

I went back to my mother
I said, “I’m crazy Ma, help me.”
She said, “I know how it feels son,
Cause it runs in the family.”
– The Who

Doctor Bigmac McWhopper says that my fat, lazy NFL Conference Championship picks are in perfect physical health.

First he put me through a series of tests, including the Tide Pod Challenge. No challenge at all. I ate three of them, and washed them down with a Diet Coke, a Whopper and a Big Mac, just as was written on my prescription.

My doctor also gave me a cognitive test. I don’t know that that means. But I am, like, a very stable genius, same as every other sad, pathetic Cleveland Browns fan in the world.

Four teams remain in the playoffs. So I picked another team to win the Super Bowl, and then the doctor, for some reason, ordered the cognitive test.

If ‘cognitive’ means cheering for the Cleveland Browns to win a playoff game this weekend, I passed the test. The fact that they are not playing proves my point. They will not lose.

And speaking of the Fake News Awards – I was, right? – did anyone get a look at the award-winning 2017 NFL standings? The Browns at 0-16? This is why no one trusts the media.

My doctor, a graduate of the Trump University School Of Literary Medicine, is so successful that he recently went from renting a unheated apartment over billiards hall to owning 10 oceanfront houses frequented by Russian “models.”

Even better, my doctor doesn’t like poor people. Right?

I mean, except for poor Cleveland Browns fans who, even if they have lots of money, are spiritually poor and living in emotional poverty.

Let’s not mince words, or be snowflake politically correct. The Cleveland Browns are a shithole organization that was just given a parade for its suckiness. Professional football players getting paid millions of dollars to lose every game, just like you or I could, have feelings and they were sad about the parade.

The perfect season parade, sadly, was not my idea, proving even I have room to cognitively improve. Of course, I won’t. You already knew that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “NFL Conference Championship Picks By Doctor Bigmac McWhopper” »

Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks From That New Explosive Book

January 06, 2018 By: BT Category: 2018 Playoffs

Guess who just got back today?
Them wild-eyed boys that’d been away
Haven’t changed, had much to say
But man, I still think those cats are crazy
– Thin Lizzy

According to a new explosive book, the guy who writes these Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks is a clueless unstable fool who likes an NFL team just because they wear orange on their head.

This book, called, “The Coach Should Be Fired, The Fans Are Furious” claims the childish writer of this column is so prone to crazy whims that he will cheer for any shitty quarterback who happens to wear a Cleveland Browns uniform.

And get this. This book claims that this column will predict the Browns to win this weekend, even though the Browns are not in the NFL playoffs, and barely in the NFL.

Yes, the book is about life inside my little white house. The author is a jerk.

The author, I think, is also vengeful and sneaky. Duplicitous even. He got his way into my good graces, and then turned on me. But forget that. I deny I even know the author of this book. Never met him.

Because of this book, I am now paranoid that people will think that I like the Cleveland Browns, which I do. But there’s really no reason to tell anyone such a dark personal secret.

Still, I am proud as well as paranoid. This is because of President Donald J. Trump, America’s supreme leader and the only president ever with the same hair color as the burnt orange of the Cleveland Browns helmet. He is my hero, as he is yours because he is, in his own words, “a very stable genius.”

Because of President Trump, I do not believe the fake news that claims the Cleveland Browns went 0-16 this season. No one could believe such lies.

Because of this book, I am now paranoid that people will think that I like the Cleveland Browns, which I do. But there’s really no reason to tell anyone such a dark personal secret.

I believe that, just like Trump, the Cleveland Browns have been winning bigly. His one year in office, like the Browns past two years (1-31 record, according to the fake news) in the NFL, has been awesome. I, literally, am in awe.

But back to that explosive book. This column (yes, I am the author who was granted unprecedented access to the idiot’s life) has spent a year embedded inside this moron’s white house, and it is clear that everyone around him hates him.

Those people are just like you, his faithful reader(s), who read this (the only plausible reason) to increase your own sense of superiority. He has no clue, but I am on to you and them, and him.

“He roots for the Browns,” said one anonymous source, who looked just like the columnist’s lovely, long-suffering wife – except for the large nose, big glasses, and a thick black plastic mustache.

“He hasn’t seen a real NFL game in more than 20 years,” said the anonymous source. “He’s not qualified for this. The only thing he does anymore is say, ‘Bernie Kosar was better than this.’ He says it all day long.”

That’s not all I do. Sometimes I hit myself in the head with a hammer and say I can’t wait to see whatzgonnhappen. Continue reading “Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks From That New Explosive Book” »