What's Gonna Happen

A political humor column masquerading as NFL Picks
Subscribe

Archive for the ‘2018 Season’

Week 2 NFL Picks By An Anonymous Insider With A Lodestar

September 13, 2018 By: BT Category: 2018 Season

My name is Anonymous. I am a senior administration official at Whatzgonnahappen and I trying my best to make these Week 2 NFL Picks not appear like they were written by a moron without a lodestar.

Who these days, other than the coach of the Buffalo Bills, doesn’t have a lodestar? That would be like not having a cellphone. I actually keep my lodestar next to my cellphone, for easy access. Doesn’t every American? 

While everyone watching anything other than FOX News knows that these week 2 NFL Picks were, in fact, written by a unhinged crazy person, you should rest easy knowing that I and many senior officials of this website are working diligently on the inside to thwart the Prognosticator’s worst instincts.

We  are occasionally successful. Before we intervened, he planned to predict Nathan Peterman was going to be a star. We stopped it just in time. We also stopped his prediction of a 100-year dynasty for the Cleveland Browns. That’s about it.

Most of his worst tendencies seem to go unchecked. And he has really bad tendencies, holding pointless grudges endlessly. He still insists Bill Belichick is a terrible football coach because Belichick cut Bernie Kosar and his diminishing skills more than two decades ago.

Tommy

Tommy

When we, after consulting our lodestars, are not calling him a moron or an idiot, we call the Prognosticator “Tommy,” from The Who’s rock opera because he seems deaf, dumb and blind. Especially dumb. 

The root of the problem is his sheer stupidity. Meetings with him veer off topic and off the rails, he engages in repetitive rants and his impulsiveness results in half-baked, ill-informed and occasionally reckless decisions that have to be walked back. And he always complains that the Browns don’t throw enough bombs. He loves bombs.

The idiot who writes these Week 2 NFL picks is not moored to any discernible principles when it comes to evaluating what he thinks will happen. This dumbbell wishes stuff to happen and then tells everyone that it will, OFTEN IN ALL CAPS! And we, the senior officials, are left to clean up the mess.

For instance, after picking the Lions to destroy the Jets, the Jets, in fact, destroyed the Lions. He says that the Jets win is fake news. Publicly, we senior officials vigorously defend the position that the Jets did not beat the Lions.

The Jets won… not fake news.

But Americans can feel good that, behind the scenes, we senior officials, each with a lodestar, are doing everything we can to convince the Prognosticator to read the damn intelligence reports and admit that the Lions actually lost to the Jets.

In fact if you ask me and I can remain anonymous, I will say in print that the Jets beat the Lions last week. 

This is not the work of the so-called deep state. It’s not deep throat either. It’s more like… we know we are in deep shit.

Mine is a quiet resistance because… Shhh, I’m afraid of whatzgonnahappen. 

RAVENS AT BENGALS – This week, Joe Flacco is not playing against a high school team from Detroit. More like a community college team from Cincinnati. But a good community college team. Bengals 24, Ravens 21

PANTHERS AT FALCONS – Of these two 8-8 teams of destiny, maybe the Falcons win more. Falcons 22, Panthers 12

TEXANS AT TITANS – Bill O’Brien coaching against Mike Vrabel makes one wonder whether Bill Belichick is a mad genius enough to make sure all his opponents have inferior head coaches. Texans 17, Titans 13

COLTS AT REDSKINS – What “Omaha” was to Peyton Manning, “Golly Gee” is to Andrew Luck. Colts 24, Redskins 23

CHIEFS AT STEELERS – Big Ben meets a younger more talented version of himself. But Ben, having tied the powerhouse Cleveland Browns, has more savvy. Steelers 27, Chiefs 24

EAGLES AT BUCCANEERS – Ryan Fitzpatrick is actually capable of two good games in a row, or even half a season of superb quarterbacking. Thus, the wheels don’t fall off just yet. Buccaneers 24, Eagles 13

DOLPHINS AT JETS – Madison Avenue is selling off of one game against the Lions, but I am not buying. I still say he is Flushing Sam, not the next Broadway Joe. Dolphins 25, Jets 3

CHARGERS AT BILLS – Either the people running the Buffalo Bills are geniuses, or else everyone else in the world was right when they said Josh Allen needed to sit a season. Chargers 38, Bills 3

VIKINGS AT PACKERS – Aaron Rodgers walks on water, according to Vikings coach Mike Zimmer. After the game, a reporter logically asks if it is true and why his Dad created giraffes. “The neck,” said Rogers. Packers 34, Vikings 21

BROWNS AT SAINTS – Tyrod Taylor is going to outplay Drew Brees, and yes I like this tequila. Browns 30, Saints 27

LIONS AT 49ers – Matt Patricia wonders what in the names of Romeo Crennell, Charlie Weiss, Eric Mangini and Josh McDaniels is going wrong with his plan to be the next Bill Belichick. 49ers 37, Lions 10

CARDINALS AT RAMS – Sam Bradford retirement speech should include the phrase, “I am the luckiest man alive.” Rams 28, Cardinals 13

RAIDERS AT BRONCOS – Jon Gruden goes home after the game and hugs his old microphone. Broncos 22, Raiders 11

PATRIOTS AT JAGUARS – While Tom Brady has not aged in a decade, this Sunday he adds a couple of years. Jaguars 30, Patriots 10

GIANTS AT COWBOYS – Saquon Barkley or Ezekial Elliot? Eli Manning or Dak Prescott? Jerry Jones or Not Jerry Jones? Giants 17, Cowboys 12

SEAHAWKS AT BEARS – There is a young kid in Chicago who swears Kahlil Mack is better than Dick Butkus ever was. Seahawks 15, Bears 10 

This column is sponsored by the 3,000 rolls of  paper towels that President Trump forgot to throw in Puerto Rico.  

Week 1 NFL Picks, Shoe Angry & Twitter-ized

September 04, 2018 By: BT Category: 2018 Season

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning
– Billy Joel

These Week 1 NFL Picks, having lit my Nike shoes on fire, are now standing for the Military Anthem while simultaneously pledging allegiance to the Military Flag and demanding that Jeff Sessions investigate anyone who thinks the Cleveland Browns are not the best NFL team in the NFL.

There was no collusion. None of the Cleveland Browns worked in unison with any teammates at all last year. To say otherwise is foolish.

Damn, I forgot to take my Nike shoes off before I lit them on fire. Now my feet are hot. Okay, I shall now dance…

But I am not here for that. Actually, I am not here at all. 

Jon Gruden has traded these Week 1 NFL Picks to Sergei the Russian Hacker for two future first round of fake Facebooks posts “proving” Khalil Mack is overrated.

Here is Sergei to finish this column:

What the covfefe is that FABRICATED WITCH HUNT claiming? I have a large brain, as large as my hands, and I think big thoughts inside it. The RIGGED NFL STANDINGS are full of all kinds of FAKE EVIDENCE that the Browns were absolutely horrible last year.

Lies! All of it. But the FAKE NEWS just repeats it over and over trying to convince you that it’s true. I AM ON TO THEM! It’s clear. THEY ARE THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE!

This deep state conspiracy is really bad. Let me say it more clearly so you understand. THIS DEEP STATE CONSPIRACY IS REALLY BAD. Clear now, right?

The corrupt media actually claimed that the disrespectful Philadelphia Eagles won the Super Bowl over the New England Patriots. Look, they’re all in on this deep state conspiracy. IT’S CRAZY! I mean, the team that supposedly lost is called the Patriots! How could that be in America? It’s plain wrong.

I have never seen anything so rigged in my life. This is a TOTAL HOAX.

Anyway, before MS13 goes through with their plan to kill you and your entire family, let me tell you Whatzgonnahappen.

 

FALCONS AT EAGLES – Nick Foles discovers the golden carriage has turned back into a pumpkin. Falcon 27, Eagles 10

TEXANS AT PATRIOTS – Alex Guerrero starts selling supplements in the stands and suddenly a 60-year old insurance salesman in the stands notices that he can sell insurance like a man half his age. Patriots 31, Texans 21

BILLS AT RAVENS – Nathan Peterman throws four interceptions and calls it progress. Ravens 31, Bills 13

JAGUARS AT GIANTS – The highest paid receiver and the most hyped rookie running back in years are stymied by the Jaguars defense, but Blake Bortles is there to save the day… for the Giants. Giants 13, Jaguars 10

49ers AT VIKINGS – Jimmy Garrapolo will never ever lose. 49ers 17, Vikings 13

BUCCANEERS AT SAINTS – Ryan Fitzpatrick is good for about one game a year, and this may be it. But the Saints are still better. Saints 27, Buccaneers 24

STEELERS AT BROWNS – Hue Jackson wears his bathing suit on on the sidelines because he knows that for his next swim in Lake Erie, he’ll be pushed in. Myles Garrett sacks Ben Roethlisberger every single pass play. Browns 30, Steelers 0

BENGALS AT COLTS – Andy Dalton and Marvin Lewis could shoot a man on Fifth Avenue and still have their jobs. Colts 17, Bengals 14

TITANS AT DOLPHINS – Ryan Tannehill has Dolphins fans talking about the Super Bowl as in, “I wonder which teams will be in the Super Bowl?” Titans 20, Dolphins 10

CHIEFS AT CHARGERS – Patrick Mahomes throws a couple of passes that makes one wonder whether he thinks the game is in Los Angeles or San Diego. Chargers 24, Chiefs 10

SEAHAWKS AT BRONCOS – Let the case be made (see what I did there?) that Case Keenum is better than Russell Wilson. Broncos 27, Seahawks 21

COWBOYS AT PANTHERS – Dak Prescott is more overrated than Cam Newton is overrated. Panthers 26, Cowboys 13

REDSKINS AT CARDINALS – Alex Smith is now of of Snyderworld, where all things dysfunction. Cardinals 30, Redskins 20

BEARS AT PACKERS – Kahlil Mack and Aaron Rodgers play poker for $5 million a hand at halftime. Aaron Rodgers is at home and gets a full house. Packers 34, Bears 20

JETS AT LIONS – While Jets fans are hoping that Sam Darnold can become Broadway Sam, I suggest an alternate moniker – Flushing Sam. Lions 31, Jets 7

RAMS AT RAIDERS – Jon Gruden gets a standing ovation before the game, and then never again. Rams 24, Raiders 3

This column is sponsored by the person at Nike who asked, “How can we get racists to stop wearing Nike?” 

2018 NFL Season Picks – Blind Faith Edition

July 28, 2018 By: BT Category: 2018 Season

He was taken to task by some critics who asked,
Do you write the words or lyrics first?
– The Michael Stanley Band

Here we go again… with blind faith on par with that of a Donald Trump supporter snorting Mexican cocaine off a Russian Bible at a Stormy Daniels show, these 2018 NFL Season Picks are ambitiously picking last year’s winless Cleveland Browns to win this year’s Super Bowl.

First, I would like to take a moment to kneel for our National Random because Oh say can you see what in the loyal hell is going on?

Apparently while I was watching the newest of eight 10-part documentaries about Baker Mayfield’s overwhelming shyness, President Trump consummated a torrid affair (worthy of tic-tacs) with an American flag in a Russian hotel room just after meeting with Vladimir Putin to tell him that hacking last year’s NFL season helped make America great again.

I may not have the details exactly correct on this. You know, because of the fake news. But I have seen incriminating photos.

Trump hugs flag

Still, does anyone really know any details about anything?

You can tell me that the Philadelphia Eagles won last year’s Super Bowl, but I live in New England where everyone knows that Bill Belichick lost last year’s Super Bowl by benching Malcolm Butler.

Perspective explains everything.

Perspective explains everything.

And my perspective on last year’s Super Bowl is that the 2017 season was hacked by the Russians because anyone with a brain (meaning anyone who thinks EXACTLY like me) knows that the Cleveland Browns would have won the Super Bowl if the Russians didn’t interfere by inventing analytics.

If you don’t know what “analytics” are, google it. Did I mention the Russians invented it.

But that was then, before Baker Mayfield arrived to the call of a million trumpets played by angels. I am true believer and so I have willed it to have happened, therefore it did. The trumpet thing, that is.

Now, obviously, America is great again. We are, essentially, at a Charlie Sheen level of “Winning!” In fact, the President was right when he suggested early in his campaign that we might get sick of his kind of winning. I am literally nauseous.

Apparently my orange vomit, after being analyzed in a ICE lab in Virginia, means that I have failed some kind of a loyalty test.

New rules say that although my grandparents arrived here and started cheering for the Cleveland Browns (born in 1946) more than 100 years ago, I can be deported to the old country. I’m not even sure what country that is.

Yeah, first they came for the Browns fans, and you said nothing.

So if I were you, and I cheered for your team, I’d be worried about whatzgonnahapen. Continue reading “2018 NFL Season Picks – Blind Faith Edition” »