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2017 NFL Season Picks – Apocalypse Not Now, Please

September 02, 2017 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

He was taken to task by some critics who asked, Do you write the words or lyrics first?
– Michael Stanley Band

These 2017 NFL season Picks, certain that the Cleveland Browns will win the Super Bowl, if there is a Super Bowl, are afraid of a crazy man on Twitter, whatever Twitter is.

I have heard that World War III is likely to start on this Twitter thing, which would probably cause the Super Bowl that the Cleveland Browns are going to win to be cancelled. That would be sad for Browns fans.

If there isn’t a nuclear war, the second escape hatch from some crazy thing I just heard about called, impeachment, is civil war. I am not good with history but I think this plan has something to do with people attached to a statue of Benedict Arnold.

A civil war might also cause the Super Bowl that the Cleveland Browns are going to win to be cancelled. To reiterate, that would be sad for Browns fans. The Cleveland Browns play in a place officially called, The Factory of Sadness. They do not need any more sadness by not playing in the Super Bowl they are going to win just because of a couple of stupid catastrophic wars.

As you can obviously tell, these 2017 NFL season picks are printed on fine stock paper and have been delivered to your doorstep by my friend named… well never mind about that. He’s not from this country.

This brings me back to Twitter, something I have not seen because I have never been on the Internet. By holding this nice stock of paper in your hands right now, you are probably also the type of person who wonders what Twitter is.

It turns out that a crazy person lives there, right on Twitter.

My friend, Pedro told me that there is a crazy, semi-literate man on Twitter who wants to get rid of people like himself. Did I say Pedro? Never mind about that. Pretend I said name like, I don’t know, how about Donald?

Tom Brady eating grilled unicorn.

Anyway, having heard about this thing called Twitter and this crazy man who uses it during his very emotional 5 a.m. bowel movements, I am even worried about the President of the United States favorite quarterback, Tom Brady.

Tom Brady, on a diet of acorns, seaweed and grilled unicorn, is playing at 40 and has shown zero signs of the aging that has affected every other quarterback in NFL history before they hit his age.

He is the President’s favorite quarterback. So my hope is that the President of the United States can stop the crazy, semi-literate buffoon on Twitter from setting off a nuclear war, which would cancel the Super Bowl that the Cleveland Browns are going to win. I want Cleveland Browns fans to be happy, or at least alive this Super Bowl.

Maybe the President can get the nutjob I heard about off of Twitter. Or maybe he can at least get the sad, failing, fake news, lying’, low-energy, crooked, dopey overrated guy to tweet, “Browns will win Super Bowl. No war, nuclear or civil. I am going to read a book. That’s whatzonnahappen.” Continue reading “2017 NFL Season Picks – Apocalypse Not Now, Please” »

Week 3 NFL Picks, Birther Edition – Case Closed

September 21, 2016 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

Lie to me
And tell me everything is all right
– Johnny Lang

These Week 3 NFL Picks declare that the Cleveland Browns, much like myself, were born in hell, period.

I am not going to answer any questions about my previous 17 years spreading the rumor that the Cleveland Browns were an NFL football team, born in the NFL. They are, instead, the spawn of Satan. I should know. Period.

With my USFL experience torching a team and a league into the ground, I personally approved and perpetuated the great lie that the Cleveland Browns play anything resembling an NFL brand of football. It’s called marketing. It’s hilarious, isn’t it?trump-usfl

I don’t apologize. Many people told me the Browns were an NFL team.

While commentators such as Rachel Maddow and Stephen A. Smith pointed out that actually only person with many voices in his head actually said this about the Browns, I know that you don’t care about facts as long as I say “terrific” or “amazing” or “winner,” talk about a conspiracy, and then gleefully call someone a vile name.

Tom Brady is a winner. He is terrific. He is amazing. Do you understand? The system is rigged. Oh, and Hillary Clinton is like the Cleveland Browns. Yeah, that’s right. That’s an insult that even I think is too low, but I said it anyway.

Did you know that Hillary Clinton started the rumor that the Cleveland Browns were an NFL team? For all you know, this could be true. Believe me, folks, it’s true. No, the Browns aren’t an NFL team. Ha. I mean Hillary started it. Believe me.

trump-helmetHillary started it. Yes, this is first grade again.

My point is, and believe me, I have one, is that if you have believed that the Cleveland Browns have been an NFL team all these years, then you know how bad things are in America.

Yes, I’ve been the one saying it.

The point is, we need to build a wall to keep out Pittsburgh Steelers fans, with their weird way of dressing and their foreign beliefs. I am saying we need to profile fans based on what they wear.

When I become Prognosticator of the United States of America, we’re going to make the Cleveland Browns great again. In fact, I am looking for some low-wage Mexican linebackers. I always said, maybe some of them are good people.

That’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 3 NFL Picks, Birther Edition – Case Closed” »

Week 11 NFL Picks From a Comet Full Of Stupid People

November 13, 2014 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

Whoever we are
Wherever we’re from
We shoulda noticed by now
Our behavior is dumb
– Frank Zappa

These week 11 Picks are one chromosome short of the surface of a comet, where our German telescope can see the future of the NFL. You believe this because you are American and you don’t know anything about science. Plus you love to gamble.

cometSpeaking of gambling, we’ve invited a New England Patriots fan and and MIT professor Jonathan Gruber, who helped engineer Obamacare for stupid people, to obscure the factBrownss of these predictions with spin that will impress stupid people, and by “stupid people,” we mean you if you don’t root for the Cleveland Browns.

The audience for these NFL picks, we’ve noticed, has a high tolerance for leaving the page and never coming back – unless they are brilliant Cleveland Browns fans. It’s not that we’re being condescending, it’s just that we’re pretty sure you have no idea what we’re talking about and even though we don’t either, it doesn’t matter.

Our satellite is sitting on this comet and whether you like it or not – we’re too dumb to notice – we really can see into the future of whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 11 NFL Picks From a Comet Full Of Stupid People” »

Week 10 NFL Picks from the Perpetual Campaign State of Ohio

November 05, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season, Uncategorized

I went back to Ohio
But my city was gone
– The Pretenders

These Week 10 NFL Picks come from Hillary Clinton’s new condo in the battleground state of Ohio, where Cleveland versus Cincinnati shall define the future of the world for the next several years.

Browns versus BengalsOhio, of course, is THE bellwether state – being a virtual little America with all of the elements of big America. And Cleveland versus Cincinnati encompasses all of that. If Ohio is like America, think of Cincinnati as Alabama and Cleveland as Massachusetts. One of these places is smarter than the other.

And while both of these Ohio cities have professional football teams, neither one is the best professional football team in the state. That would be the team in the city of Columbus, the Ohio State Buckeyes, who don’t have to deal with the restrictions of the NFL salary cap. They can pay players whatever they want.

But on Thursday, the Buckeyes don’t play. It’s the Browns versus the Bengals in a game that is, in the words of Lebron James, probably the most important football game ever.

The winner of this game will determine the winner of the presidential election in 2016 when either the Republicans will carry the day with their slogan, “Four More Wars!” or the Democrats will win with their slogan, “We Can’t Agree On A Slogan.” And it should be obvious that that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 10 NFL Picks from the Perpetual Campaign State of Ohio” »

To Return For The Playoffs

December 25, 2012 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

Due to personal issues, this column is on a two-week temporary sabbatical.

It will return for the playoffs. Thanks to all three of you who read this.

Merry Christmas. Sleep in heavenly peace.

Week 4 NFL Picks – Replacement Pick Consensus

September 27, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season, Uncategorized

If loving you is wrong, I don’t want to be right
– Tom Jones

These week 4 NFL picks are wrong, dead wrong. There’s clear evidence. Still, I insist they are right because they come from the fellows at Foot Locker.

In fact, these picks are so wrong that Democrats and Republicans agree they are bad. Democrats and Republicans never agree about anything. But on this, they agree. Why? Because NFL football is the most important issue in America.

Foot Locker refereereplacement referees touchdown

As the NFL began resembling the WWE, politicians of both parties – who believe diverse things about unions  – agreed that it was time to bring back the “real” referees. This was actually the only item in the past decade or so in which politicians in both parties have agreed.  There is nothing more important to the survival of our country than the integrity of a call in an NFL end zone.

War? Taxes? The Deficit? Jobs? The environment? The economy? Are you kidding me! Did you see that Packers game!

That’s why these picks are always so deliberately horrible (although I did pick the Seahawks to beat the Packers… draw your own conclusions) It’s the only way to get everyone to work together. Prove me wrong. Go on, I dare you to find a non-NFL issue that Democrats and Republicans agree on. We are one nation under the NFL. Ask a Democrat. Or ask a Republican. They’ll tell you whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 4 NFL Picks – Replacement Pick Consensus” »

A Halloween Political Ad Week 8 NFL Picks

October 29, 2010 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

You must really consider the circus
It just might be your kind of zoo
I can’t think of a place that’s more perfect
For a person as perfect as you

– The Grateful Dead

My opponent for the job of Week 8 NFL Prognosticator was Brett Favre’s penis photographer. Plus, she’s a witch. And she’s not even a she. She’s a he. And he wants to sell your children to an illegal immigrant and then tax you for the transaction.

My opponent once owned a restaurantivoted and brags about his business experience, but what he doesn’t tell you is that his famous dish was slow-cooked puppy-and-kitten stew. The stew was delicious, but is this the kind of person you want picking week 8 in the NFL?Jackolantern

Our country is in peril and my opponent has hired campaign workers to put helmet-to-helmet hits on my supporters. Sure, we have retaliated. Politics is a contact sport.

But listen, my fellow citizens. I am pleading with you to despise  my opponent as much as I do. Just remember my slogan: His morals are even worse than mine! My opponent has thrown a lot of dirt in this campaign. But I have only one question for him: Why are you so fond of your pet goat?

If my opponent is elected, be fearful about whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “A Halloween Political Ad Week 8 NFL Picks” »

The Football Itself Predicts Super Bowl XLIV

February 01, 2010 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

“Inside the museums, infinity goes up on trial.”

Bob Dylan

There once was a Louisiana cow that loved the NFL and, as this is a religious story, we shall call her a sacred cow although her given name was Elsie. All her life, Elsie had one goal – to become the official football of Super Bowl XLIV. In order to get her way, she promised to affect the results of the big game.

A pig, for some reason gets all the credit, but a football is made of cowhide, not pigskin. Specifically, the Super Bowl XLIV football is made out of Elsie the Cow’s hide.

Once Elsie promised to affect the outcome in a conspiratorial way, the grateful NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell slaughtered Elsie with his own hands and then he sewed her hide together with a shoelace while Michael Vick watched, and the two casually discussed a good steak tip rub (olive oil, brown sugar, chile powder, a bit of cumin, less cayenne pepper, and lots of garlic).

This all happened and I have the false memory to prove it, and this means that everything Elsie the cow said she would do in Super Bowl XLIV is certain to happen.

Elsie The Cow was a New Orleans Saints fan her entire life. She grew up on Archie Manning’s farm cheering for Archie Manning.  She even owned a “Who Dat?” bag that she wore over her head for a decade. But she was also the cow that gave the milk that went on the cereal that Peyton Manning ate every morning when he was growing up.

So much like Archie Manning, you can see how Elsie the cow was conflicted when she learned her favorite quarterback would be playing against her favorite team in the Super Bowl.

For days, Elsie the Cow begged Archie Manning to take her to the Super Bowl. She sent text messages and tweeted him, but Archie said he was reluctantly bringing Eli instead. Elsie was determined not to miss this game for the world, even if it meant missing the world, so she arranged for a trip to New York – she flew coach – where she met with the commissioner, and every play of Super Bowl XLIV was planned in advance.

So with fresh blood still on his hands, the commissioner appeared at the Media Day podium to declare: “I guarantee this will be the greatest Super Bowl ever.” Yes, that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “The Football Itself Predicts Super Bowl XLIV” »

Ted Kennedy’s NFL Conference Championship Picks

January 21, 2010 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

The lunatics are in my hall
The paper holds their folded faces to the floor
And everyday the paper boy brings more
– Pink Floyd

TED KENNEDY: Hey, dead Ted back again, now that 41 out of 100 is a majority, to give you my NFL Conference Championship predictions and to check in on my beloved Massachusetts. Did you know that I was known as the liberal lion of the Senate? I thanked God every day that I was not a Detroit Lion.

But now I see that the People’s Republic of Massachusetts, as Ronald Reagan once lovingly called my state, has voted to replace me with a Republican former nude model with a truck. Although being a former nude model with a truck more than qualifies Scott Brown for the Senate (I’ve known Senators with less qualifications), I blame Tom Brady.

In fact, when the New England Patriots lost a couple of weeks ago, I started drinking. Don’t be surprised. There’s really good booze in heaven. And yes, I made it here! I can show you the noogies that Jack and Bobby have been giving me to prove it. Of course they are in heaven, along with Tip O’Neill, Ronald Reagan, and the just-arrived Obama Health Care Bill.

The last time I predicted NFL games for you was in week 1 when I had just began my dirt nap, and I predicted that Vince Young would become the Titans starter by the end of the season. You can ignore my other predictions the same as you can ignore my prediction that universal health care would become a reality in America. Who knew it would be my specific seat, and a new Boston Tea Party, that killed it? I would not have predicted that.

Heck, one year ago, Barack Obama was taking the oath of office and the word “Democrat” stood for change instead of can you spare some change. Things change fast. You want to talk about change… I was alive back then; now I am dead. That’s not exactly the kind of change I endorsed.

And that brings me to the NFL, where Tom Brady is no longer playing but Mark Sanchez is.  As a New England Patriots fan, I hate the New York Jets. And as a student of the conspiratorial intersection of sports and politics, I knew that when Tom Brady started throwing interceptions in a playoff game, voters in Massachusetts would revolt.

Sure, the Democrats ran a candidate with the charisma of the color beige but I still blame Tom Brady. If he had only kept throwing touchdown passes, no one would have noticed that I wasn’t the Democrat running. But when the Patriots season ended and votes sobered up enough to realize that it was Martha friggin’ Coakley running and not me, they voted for Scott Brown.

But beyond the fact that our candidate spent most of the Massachusetts campaign in the Caribbean, I think there was a deeper reason voters chose Brown. I believe that once the Patriots were eliminated, fans thought they were voting for the Cleveland Browns, who I would vote for too. The Cleveland Browns are America’s team; America just doesn’t know it yet. As a secret Browns fan, I must say that the hope still lives and the dream shall never die  –  even though I did.

So this weekend, while Barack Obama tries to figure out if he is the Democrats version of Ronald Reagan or another Jimmy Carter, three great quarterbacks – Brett Favre, Drew Brees and Peyton Manning –  and Mark Sanchez are still playing NFL football, which means that Obama controls the playoffs the way he controls the majority in Congress. And if you don’t think I can connect the dots, you don’t know a conspiracy theory from a grassy knoll. (Jack loves a good grassy knoll joke. Gets him laughing every time.)

So check it out. The most conservative team still left in the playoffs are the New York Jets. They are riding wave of confidence like the Republicans who suddenly think that 41 out of 100 is a majority. The Jets are one of four teams. The conservative team has a chance. But let me tell what my dead friend Harry Truman says to me all the time… “The ground game is fine but sometimes you need to throw a couple big bombs to get their attention.”

And that’s why I think this is whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Ted Kennedy’s NFL Conference Championship Picks” »

Mark McGwire’s 2010 Divisional Playoff NFL Picks

January 13, 2010 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

Man at the top says it’s lonely up there
If it is man, I don’t care
From the big white house to the parking lot
Everybody wants to be the man at the top
– Bruce Springsteen

MARK McGWIRE: These 2010 Divisional Playoff NFL picks are clean, unlike the 1998 Super Bowl when Sammy Sosa and I combined to predict the Denver Broncos would upset the heavily favored Green Bay Packers. I did one more shot of andro that year than Sammy, so I was able to also see that Terrell Davis would be named the Super Bowl MVP.

Those were the days… I mean, I am sorry.

If you have been reading the political book, “Game Change” you have seen various rumors about Elizabeth Edwards and Bill Clinton injecting me in the buttocks during the 2008 presidential campaign. Those rumors are false, and so is whatever Jose Canseco has to say. Just because all of them have seen my buttocks is no reason for them to spread lies.

Mostly, I did steroids because I hated Roger Maris and Jimmy the Greek. But I digress.

Do I think my steroid use helped me to become fantastically successful in predicting football games in the past? No, I am a natural.

It is mere coincidence that I was known as the best predictor in the world until NBA referee Tim Donaghy took away my throne. It also coincidence that my best years of predicting were during the time the Cleveland Browns didn’t exist because of a buttface, Art Modell, and most of you were aghast that Bill Clinton exposed his buttocks and more.

Plus don’t forget the better I predicted, the more you loved me. Sammy Sosa and I essentially saved NFL prognosticating after 1994 when the Union Of Pompous Prognosticators went on strike. It was Sammy and I and our historic success – medically induced or not – that saved the American past time of predicting NFL games. That’s what happened. Here’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Mark McGwire’s 2010 Divisional Playoff NFL Picks” »