Regrets, I’ve had a few
But then again, too few to mention
– Frank Sinatra
PRESIDENT BUSH: In this year’s NFL playoffs, I picked the first two games correctly and then put up a “Mission Accomplished” banner. I acknowledge that may have been a mistake.
Yes, last week I got all four games wrong. But I’m not going to sit here and whine… poor me, why did the Steelers have to win on my watch? It’s just pathetic, isn’t it, self pity? But really, I hate the Steelers. I’ve been working for eight straight years to help the Detroit Lions.
I understand that Hurricane Millen came in and wiped out the entire city of Detroit. But don’t tell me that the Federal Government didn’t respond. We sent in dozens of wide receivers and Brownie did a great job as general manager.
But my number one concern has been to keep this NFL predictions column safe from attack by evildoers. Yes, the predictions in here are often wrong. That’s the beauty of my plan. Osama Bin Laden has not won his fantasy football league in years!
See FREECHEEZEBURGERZ for OBAMA AGREES TO MANAGE NY YANKEES
See my column on theobr.com FOR The Eric Mangini Hiring Explained
So mine has been a very successful time in office but soon I will leave and your Prognosticator will be Barack Obama, a smart, engaging person who is mistaken to think that this column is viewed in a dim light after eight consecutive years of picking the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl.
It may be damaged among some in the elite who care about wins and losses and facts and stuff, but people understand that Whatzgonnahappen stands for freedom… the freedom to pick your favorite team to win no matter what.
So now I’m going to go get a big straw hat and a Hawaiian shirt and sit on a beach, just like the guy pictured at the top of this column. Yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen.
EAGLES AT CARDINALS – A two-bird game should be decided in the air. What I want: I want a microcosm of the Eagles season complete with a Donovan McNabb benching and then him coming back to rally his team while Andy Reid grows a beard. What I’ll get: I can’t always get what I want so I’ll settle for Kurt Warner continuing to cement his Hall of Fame credentials while the phrase Warner-to-Fitzgerald is lined up on the all-time highlight reel next to Bradshaw-to-Swann. In Arizona, McNabb will be good but Warner will be great. Plus, the Cardinals will be tougher and meaner than the Eagles. Cardinals 37, Eagles 21
RAVENS AT STEELERS – How do I hate these two teams? I’d count the ways like a Shakespearean character but how do you count to infinity squared without adding Albert Einstein in as a character? What I want: I want a 923-overtime game filled with personal fouls that ruins both of these evildoer rosters for years to come. What I’ll get: Ray Lewis, wearing a scavenger bird on his head, planning a vacation in Gaza. But first he explains a few things to Willie Parker. It won’t be a friendly visit but it will be interesting, especially one time when Willie says “look over there,” and Ray does while Willie runs by laughing. It comes down to the fourth quarter when Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger makes a big play, maybe even with his legs. Steelers 24, Ravens 20
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