2008 NFL SEASON PICKS: EARLY SUMMER EDITION

“He was taken to task by some critics who asked, do you write the words or lyrics first?”
                        - The Michael Stanley Band

My golf pro, one of thousands of American golf pros with secret NFL videotapes, made me quit golf and apologize to the duck. That’s why these are the best 2008 NFL predictions on the Internet.

In fact, these are more than predictions – they are videotape summaries. I don’t do quack.

Yes, I have a videotape of the upcoming season.

I didn’t ask questions but Scooter Libby gave it to me after getting it from a golf pro that used to work for Bill Belichick, who is simply refusing to say if he ever owned a time machine, although he answers his cell phone “Nanoo, Nanoo.”

So this much is true: my local golf pro passed me a videotape of the upcoming NFL season after suggesting to me that I should quit golf because of, you know, that incident involving my three iron and a duck – a.k.a. “The Duck.”

After explaining the sport was called “golfing” and not “hunting,” my golf pro made me promise to never golf again. I was reluctant because I’d already spent hours learning to yell the word “Fore!” but I agreed when he passed me the secret NFL tape – through Scooter Libby, of course.

Before you and Arlen Specter say it, let me say it for you: Quack! All right, I admit – I tested positive. But I thought it was Vitamin B12.

Golf pros don’t have secret NFL videotapes. Do they?

Do ducks say, “Quack”?

Okay, if you’ve made it this far, this is it – my once-a-year explanation.

These are not real NFL picks. I am, in fact, stupid – an idiot – a Complete Idiot – and Idiot-American is my exact ethnic background. I don’t have a clue about the NFL, and neither does anyone else.

That’s why they play the games.

Plus I am biased. I am a bleed-the-colors Cleveland Browns fan and every week I intend to predict that the team with orange helmets will win. This year, I’ll probably actually mean it but nevertheless, that’s my true confession – this predictions column is beyond biased. It’s predictable – at least for one team.

Also, I hate the Steelers. Is there a stronger word than “hate”?

Finally, this is a political column too. So if you don’t like politics and sports, vote for someone else. But it’s election season and I intend to be the next Prognosticator of the United States of America.

And yes, I’ve started a search committee looking for my Vice Prognosticator. I’ve put Dick Cheney in charge of it. That’s a good idea, right?

Anyway, let’s get to the videotape and find out exactly whatzgonnahappen.

Also...

Freecheezeburgerz.com LOST MARBLES IN TWO ACTS

AFC

EAST
PATRIOTS – A Cheaters Anonymous meetings… “My name is Bill and I’m a cheater.” Meeting leader Roger Clemens tells him to have a seat between one of the NASCAR crew chiefs and Bill Clinton. 13-3
BILLS – Trent Edwards says, “We’re playing some metric football in Toronto, eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Hey, the third ‘Eh?’ meant hike. No wonder we’re losing” 8-8
JETS – Chad Pennington wins the starting job and plays great for a month but by November in this election year, Coach Manwhattagenius decides to bench him, prompting the obvious tabloid headline: “Hanging Chad.” 8-8
DOLPHINS – Bill Parcells likes “Dancing With The Stars” so much that he enters “American Idol,” where he sings a rousing version of “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction.” Meanwhile, his team loses at “Survivor” 2-14

NORTH
BROWNS – Brady Quinn sells, but Derek Anderson wins. The defense dominates. The Indians hit, Lebron signs a 20-year contract, and the Michael Stanley Band is inducted into the Rock N’ Roll Hall of Fame. 16-0
STEELERS – Steelers “smash-mouth” football has been reduced to “mouth.” 10-6
BENGALS – Speaking of mouth - Chad Johnson, once the Paris Hilton of wide receivers, is now “Ocho Justgo” 8-8
RAVENS – Welcome to Flacco, Boller & Smith – please enter through the left tackle. Meanwhile, Ray Lewis becomes the first confirmed victim of Bigfoot. 4-12

SOUTH
COLTS – After seeing his little brother win the Super Bowl, Peyton Manning now starts each play in the huddle by saying, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and doggone it people like me!” 12-4
TEXANS – Matt Schaub was reading the inspirational biography of Scott Mitchell but he put it down and instead the Texans become the surprise team in the NFL. 10-6
JAGUARS – Beer-drinking aliens wearing shirts with the logo of a hardware store abduct Maurice Jones-Drew because they say he is the perfect human for their game of “people-bowling”. It’s a Saturday night league. 7-9
TITANS – Vince Young felt so much pressure last year that he had to be talked out of retirement. It’s how I feel at the gas pump. 5-11

WEST
CHARGERS – The last time we saw LaDanian Tomlinson play… oh wait, we were watching him watch the AFC Championship game. This is the guy they compare to Jim Brown? 10-6
BRONCOS – The theme song for the Broncos this year… “Sugar, Sugar,” by the Archies. 9-7
CHIEFS – Larry Johnson is a good enough running back to prevent the Chiefs from ever drafting a quarterback who actually is good enough. 7-9
RAIDERS – Al Davis tries to fire Lane Kiffin and hire Indiana Jones as his head coach, but someone informs him that Indiana Jones is a fictional character. “So?” says Al. 6-10

And...

Freecheezeburgerz.com LOST MARBLES IN TWO ACTS

EAST
GIANTS – Eli Manning writes a tell-all memoir from his time in the White House – you know, those couple hours when the Giants visited. 12-4
COWBOYS – Pacman Jones should help the team a lot, said new Cowboys consultant, O.J. Simpson. 10-6
EAGLES – Welcome back to Mediocre-ville… settle in, you have a long-term lease. 8-8
REDSKINS Joe Gibbs has gone racin’ so Daniel Snyder went fishin’ and soon into the season the Redskins will just be gone. 2-14

NORTH
PACKERS – “But I’m not hurt,” shouts Aaron Rodgers just before “accidentally” falling down a flight of stairs. John Madden says, glowingly, “Brett sure is resourceful.” In any other state, charges would be pending. 13-3
VIKINGS – Adrian Peterson is so good that he can win eight games by himself. Vikings 9-7
LIONS – Scrapping the plan to field a team of all wide receivers means the team resigns from the flag football league too. Yet, they still wear Lions uniforms. 6-10
BEARS – Rex Grossman assures Lovie Smith that “those pictures of you” are locked away in a safe deposit box. 5-11

SOUTH
PANTHERS – Jake Delhomme is back and so are the Panthers because now they have an elbow to stand on. 11-5
SAINTS – At the end of the season, the team highlight film will be called, “At least we were the best team in London.” 8-8
BUCCANEERS – If you are in Tampa Bay and can say the word “Hike,” Jon Gruden will let you play one game at quarterback. 8-8
FALCONS – My hunch says Matt Ryan has a reservation to live in that exclusive subdivision full of rich young men who someone once thought would be a great NFL quarterback – you know, near Tim Couch, Heath Schuler, Akili Smith, Andre Ware and Jeff George etc. 3-13

WEST
CARDINALS – Matt Leinart brings his off-season lady friends into the huddle with him - and it makes his play-calling way more creative. 9-7
RAMS – Chris Long misses part of preseason because he has to help his father mow his hair. 9-7
49ERS – Mike Nolan wears that coat and tie from the sidelines to his new job selling insurance. 6-10
SEAHAWKS – Mike Holmgren has lame duck for dinner before every game. 3-13

This column is sponsored by blind luck.

New predictions every Wednesday or Thursday or maybe Friday

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