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2007 NFL PICKS: WILDCARD WEEKEND
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WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of Huckabee’s Heavy Metal Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks)
“You may be right, I may be crazy/But it just might be a lunatic you’re looking for”
- Billy Joel
IOWA MUSIC REVIEW – I have seen the future of rock-n’-holy-roller NFL prognostication, and it is Mike Huckabee.
Yesterday he took the stage with his bass guitar slung over his shoulder like a pheasant rifle while his drummer, Chuck Norris, smiled and beat the drums to a pulp. “It’s a new day in American predicting!” shouted the bass guitar god.
Huckabee stepped through the staged skeletal remains of Mitt Romney (and his seven mythical wives) with the dexterity of Bill Parcells walking past Cam Cameron. Looking dashing in an Oakland Raiders hat with orange hunting earflaps, Huckabee bit the head off of an atheist and declared that his message is resonating with high rollers and holy rollers. The atheist was made of candy.
He smiled and laughed.
“This is going to be a wild wildcard weekend and I know whichever team and fans pray the most will win, just like all of you who came to my concert,” said Huckabee, sounding almost like a Baptist preacher. “I plan to start a prairie fire of hope and zeal and winning predictions.”
The former Arkansas governor gave an aw-shucks Jimmy Stewart smile and then played a few songs written by people who, even recovering from their worst drug benders, wouldn’t have voted for him. “My message is genuine,” he shouted.
“These teams didn’t evolve. We’re going to New Hampshire to prove that they are a product of intelligent design.”
From the back, someone yelled, “Belichick is god!”
But that heckler was drowned out by the crowd shouting, “Whatzgonnahappen! Whatzgonnahappen!”
REDSKINS AT SEAHAWKS – So that was a nice little inspirational run the Redskins had but, well, this team could really use a great safety. Joe Gibbs Racing is switching from Chevrolet to Toyota next year, but one imagines less major changes in the Redskins. Maybe an updated engine, a changed spark plug – perhaps a new quarterback because I expect the old Collins model to suffer Tatupu problems. Seattle, meanwhile, prepares to be demolished next week. Seahawks 21, Redskins 20
JAGUARS AT STEELERS – One of these teams plays classic Pittsburgh Steelers hard-nosed football and that team is called the Jacksonville Jaguars. Although Ben Roethlisberger is a lot better than I wish he were, the Steelers are about to begin a slow offensive-line-induced decline. It should start here and the the Jaguars should be good enough in any other non-perfect Patriots year. But I don't believe the Steelers are losing in Pittsburgh. It's not logical, it just is. Steelers 21, Jaguars 14
GIANTS AT BUCCANEERS – Although Joey Galloway runs through the Giants secondary in the first half, the Giants prove to be clutch. That’s right. Tom Coughlin didn’t bluff in the biggest poker game on TV last week and for that alone his team gets this win. Plus Eli Manning is finally beginning to play as if his dad didn’t really date a stupid anorexic one-armed cheerleader. After the game, he says to Peyton, “We have the same Mom too?” Giants 28, Buccaneers 20
TITANS AT CHARGERS – The Browns would’ve won. Okay? Anyway, the Titans can’t and won’t win and LaDanian Tomlinson will run for 127 while Philip Rivers has a day that makes people say, “Philip Rivers???” Meanwhile, LT begins to make his list of “Why we lost to the Patriots, it’s not fair!” excuses that he will air at a future press conference. Chargers 24, Titans 14
BYE AT COLTS – When Tony Dungy is in bed he pretends he is coaching last week’s game. That’s right, he rolls over.
BYE AT COWBOYS – Terrell Owens and Jessica Simpson get into a catfight.
BYE AT PACKERS – Brett Favre shops for gray hair dye because he’s noticed how nice people are to the elderly.
BYE AT PATRIOTS – Think about this - the team the Patriots beat in their first Super Bowl on this run, the Rams, draft second this year, behind the Dolphins.
BYE AT BROWNS – If Ohio matters to presidential candidates, they’ll be asked… Derek Anderson or Brady Quinn?
This column is sponsored by Dennis Kucinich’s plans to win the 2012 Iowa Caucuses - or maybe 2016.
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