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NFL PICKS: WILDCARD WEEKEND
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WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of the Tuna Acorn Oil)
"Whatever the price is, whatever the crisis; Oh please don't leave me to my own devices"
- Soul Asylum
When I asked Nick Saban to sign my petition supporting exploratory drilling for oil in all Hummer limousines, he showed me an acorn. Then he looked me in the eye and said that an acorn can grow into a Chevrolet or a grizzly bear, but never into an oak tree. Never. He guaranteed it.
So I turned to Bill Parcells, who sighed and pointed out that only one of 10,000 acorns actually grows into an oak tree. "It is what it is," said Parcells, who years ago planted his own tree with much better odds. And before those acorns grew up, he was a champion.
I pondered. Despite the vagabond Belichickian offshoot DNA of Nick Saban traveling and landing in Alabama to the loud jeers of Don Shula, none of this acorn talk had anything to do with my stated goal of drilling for oil inside of all Hummer limousines.
Naturally, I asked Dick Cheney, who quickly suggested we go hunting and talk about it. Then he asked me to hold an acorn between my teeth and close my eyes.
Acorns again. These people were nuts.
But while I was busy renting drilling equipment and convincing Exxon lobbyists to help in my cause, I began thinking about acorns and the Tuna Tree.
The tree has done quite well, as you can see by looking at this weekend's playoff schedule. This weekend, Parcells coaches the Cowboys while two of his former assistants, Tom Coughlin of the Giants and Bill Belichick of the Patriots are also in the playoffs, as is a former Belichick assistant, Eric Mangini.
And, of course, Sean Payton, is waiting in New Orleans.
It's like Dick Cheney - who, by the way, grew out of that kind and decent Gerald Ford tree, which also gave us Donald Rumsfeld - keeps implying: if you know where the oil is, that's where you should drill. And that's why acorns from the Tuna Tree and oil drilling in Hummer limousines are related.
I was trying to explain this to Charlie Weiss of Notre Dame, and Romeo Crennel of the Cleveland Browns - both also of the Parcells tree - when the Tuna himself walked back in the room and explained, "Oil and acorns are different."
It turns out I shouldn't have listened to Nick Saban. Please sign my petition anyway. And speaking of nuts, here are my football picks…
CHIEFS AT COLTS - The Colts small, fast defense was built for the team to be ahead all the time and not involved in close games with big bruising running backs. Enter Larry Johnson, stage left. Right? Hold on. Expect the Colts offense to explode and force the Chiefs to do more than ride Larry Johnson. Colts 36, Chiefs 17
COWBOYS AT SEAHAWKS - This is the first NFL playoff game in history in which neither team brings a defense to the game. The Seahawks take advantage of the situation but the Cowboys get distracted when Terrell Owens catches the ball and stops at the 30-yard line to call a press conference. Seahawks 36, Cowboys 33
JETS AT PATRIOTS - Reuben Droughns of the Cleveland Browns ran for 125 yards on the Jets defense. Your grandmother scorched them for 100. Look for Corey Dillon and Lawrence Maroney to pound the ball mercilessly until Eric Mangini says, "Uncle." After the game, Bill Belichick will smile and graciously shake Mangini's hand. Patriots 31, Jets 20
GIANTS AT EAGLES - Wouldn't it be funny if Eli Manning, unlike his brother, became a great clutch playoff quarterback? After this game, you are going to think it is possible. It's not possible, but this game will tease you into thinking so. Just remember that the only reason Manning has a chance to succeed at the end is because Tiki runs for 168 yards and two TDs. Giants 24, Eagles 21
BYE AT CHARGERS - LaDainian Tomlinson scores a touchdown.
BYE AT BEARS - Rex Grossman throws an interception.
BYE AT RAVENS - Ray Lewis turns on the television and finds "CSI Ray Lewis."
BYE AT SAINTS - Drew Brees throws a touchdown.
BYE AT BROWNS - Two players are injured. One catches staph.
This column is sponsored by The Bowling Bowl.
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