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2007 NFL PICKS: DIVISIONAL WEEKEND
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WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of a N.H. Baby’s Divisional Playoff NFL Picks)
“Crying won’t help you – praying won’t do you no good/When the levee breaks, mama you got to move”
- Led Zeppelin
I am a baby, I live in New Hampshire, and yes, all the candidates kissed me. I know - icky. I am already a practitioner of the world’s oldest profession.
I am also a big New England Patriots fan - I have been all my life. Well, okay, I am actually a small fan. I was born right after Bill Belichick got caught cheating. So if you think about it, and I do, in my entire lifetime he’s never cheated - at least not that I know of.
Meanwhile, my parents have yet to explain to me how I can be an American and a member of Patriots Nation but apparently I am. I’m following the Patriots as closely as possible because they’re the best football team I have seen in my life.
But every day, there was a new knock at the door, followed by the words, “Oh, look at the baby,” and then before I knew it I was being slobbered on by fat rubber-chicken-breath lips (except Kucinich, who smells like cabbage) while a million Britney Spears camera-phones recorded the event.
This week, Hillary Clinton showed up at the door, tears streaming down her face talking about how difficult it is when suddenly I heard, “Oh, look at the baby,” and I’m thinking, where have those lips been?
So yes, to answer your question, I am concerned about terrorism.
I have been terrified many times during these past few months that amount to my life, like when I was forced to watch Mitt Romney’s negative ads about Big Bird. I think he attacked Big Bird. I just remember he attacked everything and then he asked a focus group to kiss me.
I could barely watch the NFL with all that commotion, and I almost couldn’t find time to get to the ‘fridge to open another Nipple Beer – my brand. Thankfully the candidates have finally left New Hampshire, leaving me to the NFL.
But first, election law (The New Hampshire Baby Act) requires that I make an endorsement. I endorse Barack Obama because he simplifies the war on terror into a WWF matchup: Obama versus Osama.
But why listen to my infantile reasoning? Look baby, I am a baby. It’s not like I know whatzgonnahappen.
SEAHAWKS AT PACKERS – Mike Holmgren’s homecoming in Green Bay is not complete until he eats a pie. What kind of pie? Humble Pie. It will be served by his quarterback, Matt We-want-the-ball-and-I’m-going-to-throw-an-interception Hasselbeck. And that’s just on the opening coin toss. No overtime this year. Look for a heavy dose of Ryan Grant in the second half followed by over-the-top Brett Favre media adulation. Packers 28, Seahawks 14
JAGUARS AT PATRIOTS – Jacksonville gets the ball and takes eight minutes to go down the field and score a touchdown. New England gets the ball and Tom Brady throws a 62-yard touchdown pass to Randy Moss. Jacksonville gets the ball and takes eight minutes to… you get the idea. Sure, the Jaguars will run the ball on the Patriots. So? The Greatest Team in the History of Football is about to turn to the “ON” switch. That’s right, they’ve been on cruise control for weeks. Patriots 42, Jaguars 24
CHARGERS AT COLTS – The elder Manning child, the one with the commercials and the ring and the MVP trophies, was once known as a guy who couldn’t win in the playoffs. This year will remind you of that guy. That’s right, Norv Turner is going to win a playoff game and Philip Rivers is going to outplay Peyton Manning and then pigs will fly. Really, pigs are going to fly. Chargers 24, Colts 20
GIANTS AT COWBOYS – Let me work this prediction backwards. When the game is over, Jessica Simpson is dating Eli Manning. That’s after Eli throws two fourth quarter touchdowns and after Tony Romo fumbles once and tries to order a cerveza in the huddle. The game begins with Jessica’s googly eyes on Tony Romo, who also is googly-eyed. That is, until he googled her old boyfriends. Before the game, Eli says he wishes he could date a girl like Jessica. Giants 27, Cowboys 21
BYE AT BROWNS – My favorite team still has a chance to win this year’s Super Bowl. What? If they were still playing, they would have a chance. Think about it.
This column is sponsored by February 30.
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