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NFL PICKS: DIVISIONAL WEEKEND
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WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of Schottenheimer Appears Before The Senate)
"You better know what you want; You know how little I got; I can't give you anything"
- The Ramones
Appearing yesterday before the Senate Football Relations Committee, a somber Marty Schottenheimer outlined his plans to use this year's surge in victories to reach the Super Bowl. Behind the senators was a huge poster of John Elway.
"Sure, mistakes were made in the past," acknowledged the clearly testy coach. "But now I have better weapons and a plan. Really, this time I have a plan. We're going to, you know, win. And yes, I can define winning."
Schottenheimer, coach of the 14-2 San Diego Chargers, the number one seed in the AFC playoffs, faced vigorous questioning from skeptical senators, who cited his previous record as a playoff choker extraordinaire.
"How do you expect to outsmart Bill Belichick, who is the greatest sports genius since Red Auerbach?" asked Sen. Ted Kennedy, D-MA. He was petting his dog, Splash.
"I'm going to put boots on the ground," said Schottenheimer. "Specifically LaDainian Tomlinson's boots."
"This is just more Martyball," said Sen. Mike Ditka, I-ESPN. Then Sen. Dan Marino and Sen. Shannon Sharpe, both I-CBS, added, "Blah, blah, blah."
"The American people, specifically one person named Alex Spanos, are demanding that I change my reputation. I have heard them, er, him," said the coach. "And this new plan is going to work."
Just then, Sen. Tim Russert, J-NBC, began citing Schottenheimer's past failures and nine hours later when he finished he simply asked, "Don't you think the Buffalo Bills should be in the Super Bowl?"
And that made Sen. Chris Berman, F-ESPN, jump up and wave his arms yelling, "You keep coming back, back, back, back…and then what happens, Mr. Schottenheimer, or should I just call you shot in the behind-er-again?"
The coach stared. He appeared perplexed by the line of questioning. "My plan will work because failure is not an option."
Sen. Al Davis, L-CA, disagreed. Then Sen. Randy Lerner, L-OH, and Sen. Al Gore, L-HA, and Sen. John Kerry, L-HA-HA, all agreed with Davis that failure is a fine option. Davis said it best: "Just, (long sigh) you know."
And that's when President George W. Bush, R-WH, stopped the proceedings to say that he drew up a play for Coach Schottenheimer much like Richard Nixon drew up a play for the 1972 Super Bowl losing Miami Dolphins. President Bush declared that he has a brand new idea to help the coach get past his losing quagmire. "Um," he began.
Coach Schottenheimer was last seen running out the chamber doors.
COLTS AT RAVENS - I am driving a Mayflower moving van to this game - a.k.a. the Benedict Arnold Bowl. This game is going to surprise - not by how it starts, but by how it ends. The Ravens score twice before you get a chance to blink but momentum shifts when Ray Lewis taunts a Colts fan that still lives in Baltimore. Sadly, the city for a brief moment becomes Baghdad with one victim of sectarian violence. The taunting was terrible for Ray. Then clouds part like the Ravens secondary and a voice from above declares, "Nevermore." Colts 31, Ravens 17
EAGLES AT SAINTS - Now that T.O.'s team is out of the playoffs, America gets to see America's Team play. This rooting for your city from afar never lasts forever so this is the window of opportunity for the Saints to take advantage of karma. Though he has resurrected his scrappy reputation from his crappy one, Jeff Garcia won't provide enough offense for the Eagles to stay close against the explosive Saints, who won't even need their guardian angel in this game. Saints 39, Eagles 27
SEAHAWKS AT BEARS - Rex Grossman is going to have a career day handing off the football. At the end of the game, people will comment, "He sure can hand that ball off, can't he?" Or, "If there's any quarterback I want handing the ball off, it's Rex Grossman because he is any quarterback for sure." Yes, once again the Bears defense carries the team. Bears 13, Seahawks 7
PATRIOTS AT CHARGERS - This game looks like a setup. Marty Schottenheimer always chokes in the playoffs and Tom Brady is Mr. Clutch. Right? Well hold on a minute. Last year's Patriots actually lost in the playoffs so they are on a one-game losing streak. They've struggled all year against good teams and the Chargers are a really good team. This will be close, but after Tom Brady puts his team ahead, he will get a taste of his own medicine as Philip Rivers leads his team to a dramatic victory. Yes Marty, this prediction's for you…it most likely dooms you. Chargers 27, Patriots 24
BYE AT BROWNS - The person considering bringing a west coast offense to my favorite football team should be forced to take Weather 101, or at least prove that global warming is permanent.
PARTY AFFILIATION GLOSSARY
D - Dissed
I - Indecipherable
J - Just Asking Questions
F - Frenetic
L - Think about it
R - Really, hey why not?
This column is sponsored by El Nino's Greatest Hits.
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