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NFL PICKS: CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP WEEKEND
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WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of Peyton Manning's Obamavention)
"I'm glad I found you just in time; I won't miss those things I left behind"
- Robert Randolph & the Family Band
Stop Peyton! There's no need to use Michael Vick's water bottle. Why so glum, Peyton? You are not tan and ready for this game at all, are you? Your father said that you need help. So did your coach…and all of your fans. Don't listen to Michael Vick about what you need. You know what you need.
You need an Obamavention.
Do you suffer from fear of the known? Have you painted yourself into a corner with worry? People everywhere are discovering that an inspirational speech from, me, Barack Obama, is just the thing to get an overstressed American psyche to forget about everything except for the blind hope that the New England Patriots won't again win the Super Bowl.
I certainly didn't expect to find myself in this position a year ago, but as I've listened to Americans in my travels across America, the one thing they ask the most is that I speak to their favorite football teams about how to overcome this half-decade-long Patriots dynasty. Complain, complain, complain! That's what I hear.
Fans in all the states (except for six particular states) are calling for a new kind of Super Bowl - one that doesn't involve the Patriots almost every year. There is a yearning.
Yes, I, Barack Hussein Obama (I don't usually use my other middle names of Adolf, Idi, Genghis, Hannibal, or Osama) am currently bringing my message of hope about the future to NFL locker rooms - with a special focus on beleaguered quarterbacks who fear Bill Belichick, fate, and Tom Brady.
While it is certainly true that a former president, FDR, a few wars ago, said the only thing we have to fear is fear itself, it's also a fact that he never played in the NFL against Belichick, fate, and Brady. Fear in this case is logical but together, if Troy Brown doesn't get in the way, we can change fate.
Meaningful things always begin at the grassroots level and I mean it - it all starts with the line play digging into the grass and pushing forward. And that's why I've formed an exploratory committee to see if there is any way that you, Peyton Manning, can get past your fear of fate.
Yes, Peyton, this was your Obamavention. Now go forward and makes us all proud.
What's that? Yes, I admit that I am betting on the Patriots. I also have the audacity of logic.
SAINTS AT BEARS - Before he studied and found out what team he is on, Rex Grossman, like the rest of America, was rooting for the Saints in this game. But Rex is a quick study. So don't expect him to throw interceptions on purpose. However, you can expect him to throw interceptions and you certainly can expect Deuce McAllister to have a have a big game for the Saints. Unless somehow the Saints uniforms take on all the old voodoo curses from decades gone by, this game looks like a nightmare for the home fans who must watch a team that everyone else in the country is rooting for win big. The Bears defense is very vulnerable now and the offense, though sometimes capable, isn't keeping up with Drew Brees and his karma machine. Saints 38, Bears 17
PATRIOTS AT COLTS - It's time for Peyton Manning's annual appointment with the psychiatrist. "Sit down," says Dr. Bill. "Richard Seymour will help you take a seat." Meanwhile, Tony Dungy is in the waiting room pacing about and hoping he can mention his new field goal kicker during this year's therapy session. "Vinatieri" is like a new pharmaceutical designed to cure choke-all disease but it only works best when used with a "Brady." In other words, even though this game is going to be close and dramatics will be needed, Brady's Mr. Clutch trumps that of a kicker. For much of the game, Corey Dillon and Lawrence Maroney will prove that the Colts stellar run defense of the past couple games was actually a mirage. For a while, Peyton will be able to pick on Ellis Hobbs but eventually Belichick's confuse-Peyton defense that he puts together in every playoff game against the Colts will work well enough. Plus Brady always scores last. Patriots 30, Colts 27
This column is sponsored by a bipartisan committee of vowels and consonants.
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