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2007 NFL PICKS: SUPER BOWL HYPE EDITION
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WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of Plans to Save the Economy One NFL Pick at a Time)
“Hey baby, there ain’t no easy way out/Hey, I will stand my ground, and I won’t back down”
- Tom Petty
As the economy goes into the tank, savvy investors have discovered Whatzgonnahappen.
That’s right, while your broker was helping you to decide whether to invest in arsenic or rope, my loyal readers saw the trained mice that type my column actually wrote this at the end of last week’s Giants/Packers prediction…
“I sense the unthinkable – a huge Brett Favre error at the end of the game. Eli’s coming… to the Super Bowl. Look for Peyton Manning commercials at halftime. Giants 24, Packers 21”
Actual final score: Giants 23, Packers 20. And what actually happened at the end of the game? It was actually unthinkable. Think about it.
It freaked me out.
I mean, for the entire playoffs I have left corporate headquarters and given the mice access to a dictionary and the NFL network. And no, it didn’t freak me out that my trained mice can type. I trained them.
What freaked me out was when their prophecies started coming true.
But what I didn’t realize was that my 24 trained mice actually play a simulated game with a peanut and 11 on a side and a mouse acting as a coach of each team. The others say that rodent in the cutoff hoodie that plays Belichick is an evil genius.
In fact, get this – my mice using my name as a pseudonym have picked nine of ten playoff game winners. Look it up. The only loser I picked was the Pittsburgh Steelers. And since I hate the Steelers, it makes sense that they would be my one loser. Think about it… I trained the mice.
But now we are one week away from Super Bowl XLII and the economy is going to Hooverville so I snuck into corporate headquarters of Whatzgonnahappen (a subsidiary of Freecheezeburgerz) and found a letter from Treasury Chief Ben Bernake asking for a tip on the big game.
It seems word of my success as a prognosticator has reached Washington and the best and the brightest of the Bush Administration (is that an oxymoron?), as well as some political candidates, have decided to gamble on the Super Bowl.
Part of that is actually true. Serious candidates for President of the United States of America are considering spending $2.7 million for 30 seconds of advertising time during the Super Bowl. But I contend this is wasted money because after all the beer commercials many of us will be temporary citizens of two countries – America and urination.
And while John Edwards may think there are two Americas – Giants fans and Patriots fans - I again politely disagree. There are three Americas and that includes fans of all the cities that are sick of yet another Boston/New York prime-time over-hyped tussle.
But conspiracy theorists everywhere already know that in politics the machine politician (see Walter Mondale/Bob Dole) always wins, and in modern sports, the team that gets the best ratings are often in the biggest games.
So is that how I ended up picking correctly that these two teams would go to the Super Bowl? I wish. Like I said, I have nothing to do with the predictions on this site. I have trained mice who play simulated football games with a peanut. What? If I bet on my own picks, I’d have enough money for an infomercial by now and you’d be throwing money at me for my wisdom.
But I am not wise. As I keep reminding you, the playoffs are not my picks. They are the mice’s picks. They are the wise guys.
To prove it, I remind you that I still believe the Cleveland Browns are going to win this year’s Super Bowl. So I trained the mice to help me and, oh have they!
But still, since this is me and not my trained mice talking now, I think I’d like to urge you, my reader, not to bet your house and Ben Bernake not to bet everyone’s house on my pick for the Super Bowl.
As for you, my reader, I really mean it. I am clueless and I still don’t completely trust the mice.
But Ben Bernake… ah, go ahead, bet it all on next week’s pick. What the hell, right?
This column is sponsored by tall buildings and open windows on Wall Street.
FREECHEEZEBURGERZ FOR MONEY
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