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NFL PICKS: SUPER HYPE WEEKEND
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WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of the 2nd Best Super Bowl Commercial Ever)
"Hey, look me over; Tell me do u like what u see?; Hey, I ain't got no money; But honey I'm rich on personality."
- Prince
A super close-up of Dick Cheney's somber, pale face. Suddenly he grins like a fat kid with a plateful of cake. "It's Super Bowl Sunday," he says. "Don't think about anything else."
The screen goes black.
A John Facenda-like voice begins over the black screen and from it the Lombardi Trophy emerges glowing. The Facenda-like voice says, "The Super Bowl. Your team probably isn't in it."
Peyton Manning jumps up and says, "My team is," but then he is vaporized.
"Ha, ha, ha," says the Facenda-like voice. "Not in this commercial." And then, "I've always wanted to do that."
Next we see Terrell Owens sitting at table for 12 with 11 mirrors as his guests. Now we look in the kitchen. There's T.O.'s grandmother spitting into a half-baked pie and now she brings it to her hungry grandchild "I went new school on you today," she says and smiles that beatific Owens smile.
"Yes, the Super Bowl," says the Facenda-like voice. "When all your dreams can come true.
Just then, a living room in Cleveland is vaporized but the screen pulls apart to reveal that the vaporization was merely the hopeful dream of a Cleveland Browns fan who, now awake on his couch in a sad dogface and a Bernie Kosar jersey, is angry that his world is not over. "Damn it, I'm still a Browns fan," he says.
The Facenda-like voice announces, in a mocking tone, "I didn't mean your dreams."
Suddenly super cute animated space monkeys (because, according to a recently discovered text written by Benjamin Franklin, all Super Bowl commercials require animated critters) enter the room claiming to be the law firm representing the Cincinnati Bengals.
The Facenda-like voice announces, "The dreams of lawyers are the dreams of America. The NFL helps dreams come true."
So Tank Johnson runs right through the wall and declares, "Hey, I'm in the Super Bowl." He hires the monkeys on the spot, claiming, "I want to be involved in monkey business."
And that's the cue for Scooter Libby to ride in on, yes, a scooter (because even I have dreams) while the Facenda-like voice announces, "Even if you are on trial for monkey business (Libby waves), today is the day to turn on your television and watch the greatest game of all. The Super Bowl."
Back to Dick Cheney: "Don't think about anything else."
This column is sponsored by the Bush Plan for Global Charming.
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