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SUPER BOWL XLI
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WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of Bozo The Bookie Prophet)
"Inside the museums, infinity goes up on trial"
- Bob Dylan
Winners are guaranteed when a red headed prophet plays the banjo. His hair is a big wig and his face is that of a clown, as are his shoes. He is Bozo the prophet - my bookie and the source for this column. Let us pray.
He quotes from scripture:
When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to put on a peaceful yet violent spectacle that causes the world to pause, it shall be called The Super Bowl.
The banjo solo finishes and the clown prophet declares that there are no guarantees. Smartly-coiffed heads of plastic visionaries whisper with loud and louder reverence of the one event that transcends all cultures. And now an advertisement for gravy-covered donuts! In every hometown there is a hootenanny, and "moderation" is a four-letter word sung in the rollicking style of Billy Joel.
Meanwhile, the wax-figure cousins of visionaries, newscasters, speak with muted astonishment about a world gone mad and then segue smoothly into the words, "Lombardi Trophy," because even they think we should care.
Sing a song. For three or so amazing hours on Sunday evening, only crazy people don't pause for our most secular super holiday. And yet, as football fans will attest, if your team is in it, a football game is deeply religious. Ours is a sacred violence but this particular event, of course, is so much more. You don't really have to care at all about football. But if you do…
And the sign says the words of the prophets are written on Internet message boards. Oh Lord.
We hold these truths to be self-evident; that all NFL teams are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are the Draft, the Salary Cap, and the pursuit of the Lombardi Trophy.
Banjos now haunt me because I instinctively know that prophets are often wrong and therefore not really prophets at all. They are clowns. Therefore, I have only one request: Please pass the donuts. I have a craving.
PREGAME: The clowns of the Cirque du Soleil extravaganza are interrupted in mid jump when one of the performers trips over Billy Joel's mini-bar. Oh say, can you see?
COIN TOSS: Dan Marino tosses the coin, owned by Exxon Mobil, into the air. By the time it lands three seconds later, it has turned into a one-ton gold bar coated with diamonds. Even the coin toss shows record profits. The Bears win and elect to receive.
FIRST QUARTER: Bears return magician Devin Hester brings the opening kickoff down the left sideline for a touchdown. On the ensuing Colts drive, the ball is stripped from Marvin Harrison and it is returned for a touchdown. On the next drive, Peyton Manning is intercepted and the Bears follow with a quick field goal. Just then Tony Dungy notices Donald Rumsfeld and Eli Manning standing together on his Colts sideline. "We're your good luck charms," says Rumsfeld. Bears 17, Colts 0
SECOND QUARTER: After Dungy sends Rumsfeld and Eli away, Peyton drives his team down the field with ease, connecting in the end zone with Reggie Wayne. Rex Grossman realizes he is supposed to do something big in the biggest game of the year so he throws an interception that is returned for a touchdown. Don't tell Rex he can't play like Peyton! And then the defenses take over. It's field-position football until just before the half when Peyton Manning turns to Joseph Addai. When that that doesn't work against the Bears, Manning throws a 20-yard pass on third and 11 to Harrison, who turns it into a 40-yard gain. It sets up Adam Vinatieri for a field goal just before the half. Vinatieri, as he planned it, lands the ball on the head of a referee and it then bounces off a seagull (on the wings up-flap) and over the crossbars. Bears 17, Colts 17
HALFTIME: As both head coaches run from the field, a sideline reporter asks each, "How does it feel to be a black head coach tied at halftime in the Super Bowl?" Then we take a seat at the table to watch as Madison Avenue and Prince entertain us. On stage with Prince is a surprise guest: Janet Jackson dancing on the floor. Let us party like it's 2004. Oops!
THIRD QUARTER: The Colts bring the kickoff back to the 40 and on the first play from scrimmage in the second half, Joseph Addai runs 40 yards. At the Bears 20, Peyton Manning scrambles for 10 more yards. Lovie Smith is thinking about how it feels to watch his team melt under Hall of Fame pressure. That's when Marvin Harrison catches a fade in the corner. The Bears go three and out. After trading punts, Donald Rumsfeld shows up on the Colts sideline for just a brief moment to ask Tony Dungy if he feels like he has accomplished his mission. In that instant, Rex Grossman connects for a touchdown with Bernard Berrian. The ball is poorly thrown but Berrian, the trapeze artist, somehow levitates enough to catch it. Dungy orders Dwight Freeney to chase Rumsfeld away. Bears 24, Colts 24
THE SUPER BOWL IS TIED: Worldwide gunfire has stopped. Global warming has paused. Even evil plotters have interrupted their evil plotting. What's gonna happen? The whole world is watching. Since both Super Bowl teams this year scored the exact same number of points during the season (427), it is fitting that they enter the final quarter tied. Only a clown prophet would think this is possible. Has Bozo lost his banjo?
FOURTH QUARTER: What's gonna happen? The Colts get the ball first and methodically drive down the field for seven excruciating Chicago minutes and for seven points. The city of big shoulders fears an ill wind. Starting at his 30, Rex Grossman throws three incomplete and horribly inaccurate passes and then the punt that follows is shanked. The Colts, with the ball on the 50, drive but settle for a field goal and a ten-point lead. The ensuing kickoff is taken by return magician Devin Hester all the way to the Colts 30. Finally, the running game shows up for the Bears and a quick drive is finished by a naked bootleg run to perfection by Rex Grossman. The Bears try an onside kick. It works! It's a three-point game with three minutes to go and the Bears have the ball. Donald Rumsfeld is trying to get back onto the Colts sideline. "I've got an idea!" he is heard to yell. But this time, the Colt's defense does its job. Grossman's first wobbly pass is intercepted. Manning, the general without interference from above, drives his team to a perfect clock-burning score and the Indianapolis Colts are World Champions. Colts 41, Bears 31.
POSTGAME: Don Shula gives Tony Dungy the Lombardi Trophy and quietly thanks him for never winning all of his games. Peyton Manning, the MVP, asks for a recipe for monkey stew. And then he pitches gravy-covered donuts. It's a good bet.
IThis column is sponsored by sunshine, stock cars, and baseball.
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