2007 SEASON PREVIEW - JULY EDITION

"He was taken to task by some critics who asked, do you write the words or lyrics first?"
                        - The Michael Stanley Band

Voices: "If my predictions are wrong, eat me."

To predict the 2007 NFL season, I bought one of those psychic fish that they advertise on the Psychic Fish Network (I've got satellite). Then, because the fish dared me, I purchased a frying pan.

And just to be sure this will be a successful season, I also bought a braggart psychic cow and a grill. I've learned that the key to being a good NFL prognosticator is easy access to a Noah's ark menagerie of arrogant psychic edible animals, and fire. I call it preemptive incentive, when even a bad Sunday leads to a delicious meal. You tailgaters know what I'm saying.

For instance, that turkey over there is predicting the Raiders are going to win the Super Bowl.

Disclaimer: None of Michael Vick's dogs are part of this, although, according to their lawyer, they all wanted in.

Random truth: No one knows what's gonna happen in the NFL.

That's why they play the games, and it is the entire point of this website. Well, that and my conspiracy theories about the interconnectedness of Paris Hilton, America's Iraq policy, and the NFL point spread. It's plain spooky when you connect the dots using a special pen.

Mine is a gravy pen.

One-time admission: I am not objective.

I am a Cleveland Browns fan. Cut me open, and I bleed the colors - and no, that's not a dare. Sheesh. Some people are like animals.

Speaking of animals, each animal I own (when shown a box of matches) has predicted the Cleveland Browns will win every game 100-0. Do you see now? I am not objective. And you know the truth. You are on the inside.

Readers joining during the season will simply notice an odd coincidence. But you will know… and knowledge is power.

I don't know anything.

I admire those who feign ignorance. My problem is that I ooze it. Look, here's some…

AFC EAST
PATRIOTS - There's a Hall of Fame wide receiver from Marshall University on the Patriots roster. His name is Troy Brown. 13-3
BILLS - J.P. Losman is Mr. Consistency - consistently inconsistent. Anthony Thomas will run in the snow. 9-7
DOLPHINS - Ted Ginn Jr. runs the opening kickoff of the season back for a touchdown, and then he is hurt trying to text message his friend, Brady Quinn. 8-8
JETS - That last scene in the Sopranos? Now it can be told: Mangini chokes. 6-10

AFC NORTH
BROWNS - Derek Anderson channels the 1999 version of Kurt Warner. The Browns get every lucky bounce. Nothing is named "The" something. Brady Quinn cheers. Pigs fly too. 16-0
BENGALS - Just a couple of parole violations away from being a great team. 10-6
RAVENS - Before the season, Ray Lewis switches to Chinese toothpaste. During the season, Willis McGahee runs in place. 4-12
STEELERS - Don't drag your chin, Steelers fans. At least you'll draft high. Heck, you need a quarterback. 3-13

AFC SOUTH
COLTS - The signal for "Go long!" is when the quarterback shouts, "I hate Peyton Manning commercials!" 12-4
TITANS - Pac Man Jones studies for a law degree. Vince Young redefines the role of quarterback. 10-6
JAGUARS - Maurice Jones-Drew, who lives in a thimble, is the NFL rushing leader. But no one knows who is the quarterback. 7-9
TEXANS - David Carr is not around to blame. Matt Schaub is, but that's not his fault. Okay, it is now. 6-10

AFC WEST
CHARGERS - Norv Turner proves easier to blame than Marty Schottenheimer for a playoff loss because, until the playoffs, the team looks even better. 12-4
BRONCOS - The Broncos are going places in the playoffs. That's just a feeling, like a headache. 11-5
CHIEFS - Larry Johnson carries the load so much, he qualifies as a Teamster. 8-8
RAIDERS - When Al Davis steps out of the freezer to watch games, he sees hope - in the second half of the season. 5-11

NFC NORTH
LIONS - Jon Kitna says the Lions should win 10 games. I'm insanely proud to be the only person to believe him. 10-6
VIKINGS - If Adrian Peterson stays healthy, he should win a few games that aren't lost by Troy Williamson drops. 9-7
BEARS - Rex Grossman's meltdown should be complete by midseason or he will cause massive Chicago writer's block. 5-11
PACKERS - Put Brett Favre on a good team and he is still a great quarterback. But he's on the Packers. 5-11

NFC SOUTH
SAINTS - This is the most fun offense outside of Indianapolis. And I'm not just saying that because I live in Reggie Bush's house. 11-5
BUCCANEERS - Jeff Garcia will continue his resurgence, unfortunately his running back is Yugo Williams. 8-8
PANTHERS - At the draft, guest announcer Keyshawn Johnson wanted the team to draft Dwayne Jarrett. They did, and then cut Johnson. In hindsight, that's great TV. 8-8
FALCONS - Look for Michael Vick to start out great. MVP after two weeks. Then, his season goes to the dogs. 2-14

NFC WEST
SEAHAWKS - Matt Hasselbeck spent the off-season watching all of Rosie O'Donnell's movies. 11-5
CARDINALS - Matt Leinart spent the off-season following the Paris Hilton escapade. Like you didn't. (That's a citizenship test, and it solves immigration) 9-7
49ERS - This team will be almost good all season. But "almost" only counts in horseshoes and the Bush White House. 7-9
RAMS - Torry Holt and Isaac Bruce have been playing together since before the Iraq War. Who can remember that far back? Oh yeah, the greatest show on… sigh. 5-11

So here's the deal. We all live vicariously through our favorite NFL stars. It's a fact. But now I have a proposal that I believe is a win-win for both the fans and the players. I want to recruit a few good fans that are willing to live NFL off-field lives for players such as Pac Man Jones, Tank Johnson, and the Cincinnati Bengals.

If these players can simply live vicariously through you, the criminally insane, as you have perhaps lived through them, we can get all our favorites back on the field. As I've always said, "He may be a jerk, but he's our jerk."

So what do you say? Can you make it rain? If you have to go to jail, just remember, you are doing it for the team.

The NFL secretly thanks you. Now eat.

This column is sponsored by Freedom Fries.

New predictions every Friday!

See www.briantarcy.com

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