2007 NFL SEASON PREVIEW

"Living is easy with eyes closed; Misunderstanding all you see"
                        - The Beatles

Dear Mr. President,

This 2007 NFL predictions report, my final act as your top advisor, may contain lead paint, tiny magnets, and rat poison along with the usual heaping portions of bull product. I followed policy, sir. I outsourced these predictions. Please remember that all we ever ask of China is to make American stuff cheap. Keep reading.

Oh yeah. As you may have seen on FOX News, I recently resigned as your top advisor. Therefore my best advice - which I should have given you years ago - is to quit listening to me. But first, listen to me.

The most pressing issue in the country right now is the upcoming 2007 NFL season. Well, that and some other stuff. But never mind those real world specifics. That's never been your strength. Turns out, not mine either. At your core, sir, you are a sports guy.

Just remember sir. From here on out, the results don't matter. Just stick with your predictions and claim you will be proven right. Sure there's a guy on the Internet who does that every year. Yes, he's an idiot. But that's not why people will think you are an idiot. People will have lots of other reasons. I am sure.

Sincerely (as if),

Turd Blossom (Karl Rove's real White House nickname)

AFC EAST
PATRIOTS - Tom Brady plays that computer simulation game Second Life but his fantasy life can't top winning three Super Bowls and knocking up a supermodel. He is actually more efficient than most computers and now he has all this new software to work with. I can't wait for the Randy Moss-goes-crazy million-yard game. The biggest worry is the unproven durability of Lawrence Maroney. 14-2
BILLS - J.P. Losman channels the once-upon-a-time spirit of the erratic Jake Plummer even though he thinks he's got the years-old ghost-version of the once-great Brett Favre under his skin. Yes, his play will be scary for Bills fans, and often for opponents. 9-7
JETS - Speaking of ghosts, I still believe Eric Mangini got whacked in that final scene of the Sopranos. Sort of like what is going to happen to Thomas Jones knee/shoulder/earlobe/something - and sooner rather than later. Chad Pennington remains solidly boring. 7-9
DOLPHINS - The ghost of Nick Saban rattles through the South Florida like a promise blowing in the wind. Meanwhile, Trent Green isn't what he used to be, and Ronnie Brown never was. 2-14

AFC NORTH
BROWNS - Just before the season, head coach Romeo Crennel is fired and replaced by his magical quarterback-picking coin. "What play should we run?" "Ask The Coin." "Yeah, The Coin called a helluva game today." Actually Romeo thrives and Brady Quinn is rookie of the year. The Coin gets a TV gig. 16-0
BENGALS - While all eyes are on Carson Palmer and his camera-shy wide receiver, Chad Johnson, it's running back Rudi Johnson who will be the engine that drives the team again. If he survives and the bail bondsman isn't too busy, this could be a good year in the suburbs of Kentucky. 10-6
STEELERS - After losing the opening game to the Browns by a score of 8 trillion to zero, Mike Tomlin finally has the players buying into his philosophy that he doesn't like tradition. "And I don't like motorcycle helmets," says Ben Roethlisberger. And the rest of the players say, "Those are our leaders." 5-11
RAVENS - Ray Lewis has a tiny toy truck that he likes to gnaw on before every practice. It was made in Beijing. Meanwhile Steve McNair isn't getting any younger just like Kyler Boller isn't getting better and Troy Smith isn't getting taller. 4-12

AFC SOUTH
COLTS - Wall Street watches and holds its collective breath because the jittery stock market is dependent on Peyton Manning commercials. Meanwhile Joseph Addai begins plotting his escape because he is convinced that last year's Super Bowl is because of him. I made all of this up, but it's probably true. On the field, the machine rolls. 12-4
TITANS - Someone is going to over-coach Vince Young and it's going to backfire until the young star quarterback is allowed to play to his natural abilities. Here's his secret: besides being huge and a great runner, he's also a really great thrower. Adding weapons would be nice. No, we're not talking to you, Pac Man. Go away. 8-8
TEXANS - Matt Schaub is actually in a lot better situation than he would have been in the dog pit of Atlanta. All in all, Joey Harrington landing in Atlanta and Matt here just might work out for everyone… except the dogs. Meanwhile, Mario Williams still isn't Reggie Bush or Vince Young. 7-9
JAGUARS - Dennis Northcutt and his case of butter have moved south. Therefore his fingers trying to catch the ball should drag the Jaguars south in the standings. This is a team currently most famous for, what, a quarterback controversy and now their most improved position is wide receiver because of Dennis Northcutt? I, um, have questions. 5-11

AFC WEST
CHARGERS - Shawne Merriman recovers quickly from an injury suffered while hanging a Barry Bonds poster on his wall. But every time Norv Turner looks in the mirror he sees Marty Schottenheimer. Turns out it's because Schottenheimer actually etched his face onto the office mirror. There's a gleam… of another almost-glorious season lost in the playoffs. 12-4
BRONCOS - The Denver Broncos continue their vaudeville routine of Who's at Running Back to great success and acclaim. This year, opposing fans will say who the **** is Travis Henry? Meanwhile Jay Cutler isn't really as good as he is, is he? 11-5
CHIEFS - If there is an NFL Deity who loves entertainment, he will let the Chiefs be bad so we can watch Herman Edwards melt with Pattonesque charm. And since Brodie Croyle and Damon Huard are the only quarterbacks on the roster, we shouldn't have to pray too hard. Larry Johnson will win a few games by himself, but really, how many? 6-10
RAIDERS - To solve the contract dispute, Al Davis challenges Jamarcus Russell to a duel at ten paces. Each is given a musket. At nine paces, Al turns and shoots. But he misses. So he smiles and gives Russell what he wants. What? That's not how NFL negotiations go? 5-11

NFC EAST
COWBOYS - Tony Romo's fairy tale slipped through his hands last year so now he's out of the holder's job. Wade Phillips is Jerry Jones' newest sacrificial lamb. Meanwhile, Terrell Owens is frustrated because he can't figure out how to compete with Michael Vick for all the off-field publicity. Despite it all, how about them Cowboys? 11-5
REDSKINS - Jason Campbell is about to become the newest Joe Gibbs quarterback creation and don't bet against this master. Gibbs loves Campbell's talent like he loves the bad boys of racing - Tony Stewart and now Kyle Busch on his NASCAR team. Gibbs also loves winning. This year, it finally begins to show. 10-6
GIANTS - Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. That's Tom Coughlin's career you hear. Or wait, is that footsteps? Bill Cowher? Bill Parcells? Or… No wait, that's the sound Eli Manning hears every time he snaps the ball and panics himself into a dumb decision. 7-9
EAGLES - This is going to either be beautiful or ugly. And if it's ugly - and will be - it's going to be beautifully ugly. I smell bad things coming out of Philadelphia and not even top pick Kevin Kolb - AKA "The Savior" - is going to make things better. On the other hand, they might be in position to draft another quarterback. 3-13

NFC NORTH
LIONS - This is about the cliché of the blind squirrel finding an acorn. For instance, pretend there once was a blind squirrel named Matt Millen… Believe the hype. The Lions are going places. 11-5
BEARS - I tried to believe this was just another Super Bowl loser going nowhere but I can't. Rex Grossman might choke in the playoffs or Super Bowl. But the Bears will win a bunch of games and then Rex Grossman will choke in the playoffs or Super Bowl. 10-6
PACKERS - Chant along, "Aaron! Aaron!" Sadly this is year's episode of As The Quarterback Turns is going to end with the star embittered and blaming… who knows, maybe you for not cheering loud enough. 5-11
VIKINGS - Something about this organization is starting to smell like the old Bengals. I don't see a great future for the Vikings. I see, oh no, Tarvaris Jackson. And over there, I see Adrian Peterson's collarbone. 3-13

NFC SOUTH
SAINTS - The ridiculously exciting Saints are more than just the most fun team in the NFL to watch. They are also one of the best. Drew Brees somehow has managed to prove all those height-is-important people wrong, while his favorite receiver, Marques Colston, proves draft-position-matters people wrong. Reggie Bush is destined for greatness. 11-5
FALCONS - Joey Harrington, famous puppy lover, revives his career as a loveable alternative to the dog killer. Yes, you heard it here first. I remain the world's last Joey Harrington fan. And since I hope it is true and these are my (well, Karl Rove's) predictions, why not? Warrick Dunn has one good year left in him. And my favorite whale feeder, Alge Crumpler, continues to dominate. 9-7
BUCCANEERS - Jon Gruden has built the perfect mediocre team. Generations from now, people will look at this year's Buccaneers as the model upon which "average" took on an identity. The defense will be improved and the offense will be serviceable but in the end, all will yawn. 8-8
PANTHERS - The Panthers offense is this play: Throw to Steve Smith; watch him do something amazing. It actually works until it doesn't and then the Panthers go into a stall mode. 6-10

NFC WEST
SEAHAWKS - Deion Branch is set to thrive in the Seattle offense. If Shaun Alexander can stay healthy, this team is looking to go deep in the playoffs. It wasn't too long ago that Matt Hasselbeck was the best quarterback in the NFC. He might get back there this year. 11-5
CARDINALS - This team seems to have been piling up talent for years. At some point, it's just due. Okay, maybe those birds on the helmet are cursed but c'mon, cursed? Really? A fix by referees, I might believe. Steroids, sure. But a curse in sports? That's so old school. 9-7
49ERS -The 49ers have the look of one of those talented young teams that are going to be frustrating to bet on. And remember, gambling is illegal except in most states. Frank Gore will be great if healthy. Alex Smith is better than I think he is. But not this year. 7-9
RAMS - Watching a once-great offense begin to use walkers and those cool old-people scooters is sad, even though those scooters are super Barbara Bush awesome. The sad decline is not anyone's specific fault so much as it is everyone's fault for simply owning calendars. 4-12

New predictions every Friday!

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