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2007 NFL PICKS: WEEK 1
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WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of Week 1 NFL Predictions From The Toilet)
"Welcome to the jungle; We got fun n' games"
- Guns N' Roses
I do my best NFL predictions while sitting on the toilet but recent Republican voter outreach has interfered with my specific and tender routine.
I thought the hand signals meant to take the Cowboys this week. Instead, I am apparently married, but I was sad to learn that it is only within the legal jurisdiction of this stall. I thought it was love. He has such nice feet. Obviously, I am taking the Cowboys this week.
Some have said politics and sports don't belong together. Politics tears us apart, goes the argument, but sports brings us together. What am I thinking?
I'm thinking, yeah right. I can show you George Bush and Bill Clinton shaking hands easier than you can find me some Cleveland Browns and Pittsburgh Steelers fans singing a chorus of "Kumbaya."
Competition is competition. I am the best NFL political prognosticator in the world. Mine is a niche. It belongs to Rush Limbaugh and I and coincidentally, we both like to party. This always begs the same question - if you bet the farm on my predictions, what are you growing on that farm?
SAINTS AT COLTS - Reggie Bush gets arrogant and sends the Saints defensive playbook to Peyton Manning's hotel room. Arrogance always usually sometimes backfires. Peyton is the type who would read the book. Colts 30, Saints 10
STEELERS AT BROWNS - Charlie Frye's Drew Brees poster falls off the wall just before he goes to work. A bad omen for Frye, but then so was the drafting of Brady Quinn. The defense wins the game. Frye scrambles a lot. And Big Ben's favorite receiver is Browns cornerback Leigh Bodden. Browns 27, Steelers 23
TITANS AT JAGUARS - The spirit of Pac Man Jones hangs over the Titans for week 1, because it rains bad luck. Byron Leftwich takes a job selling David Garrard t-shirts. Jaguars 17, Titans 10
PANTHERS AT RAMS - NFL week 1, just like an early political poll, is designed to tease fans and that shows here. Rams fans should not believe what they see. Rams 24, Panthers 6
DOLPHINS AT REDSKINS - In my tiny mind, this game is a contest between average and mediocre. Go with the home-field average. Redskins 24, Dolphins 19
PATRIOTS AT JETS - After Rodney Harrison apologizes for his deliberate mistake, he's recruited for a career in politics. Richard Seymour is out too and that will hurt, but not this week. Patriots 30, Jets 12
EAGLES AT PACKERS - Five years ago, Brett Favre and Donovan McNabb might have compared sports cars. Now, they compare arthritis medicine. Five years later, home field advantage still is. Packers 27, Eagles 21
FALCONS AT VIKINGS - If Tarvaris Jackson plays well, Adrian Peterson behind that offensive line should explode. But look for Joey Harrington throwing to Alge Crumpler for at least a couple of touchdowns to keep it close. Vikings 20, Falcons 17
BRONCOS AT BILLS - Week 1 is made for upsets and look, the Broncos are upset because they get upset, and that's just unsettling. A great Losman day. Bills 29, Broncos 13
CHIEFS AT TEXANS - Here's how it usually works with a guy like Matt Schaubb. He starts out great and the media loves him before he fades into We-could've-had-Brady-Quinn obscurity. But it's week 1 and Schaubb shines. Texans 20, Chiefs 17
LIONS AT RAIDERS - Watch the Raiders be good this year - just to mess with all of us. No really, wouldn't it be funny? Lions 29, Raiders 12
BEARS AT CHARGERS - Hello, I called in earlier… I have a disappointment scheduled for last season. I'd like to cancel. Oh, too late. Chargers 30, Bears 17
BUCCANEERS AT SEAHAWKS - I've already begun to re-evaluate my preseason optimism that the Buccaneers would be mediocre. They dream of mediocrity. Seahawks 31, Buccaneers 6
GIANTS AT COWBOYS - Michael Strahan decides, series to series, whether he will report to the team. Tiki Barber blames global warming on Tom Coughlin. Tony Romo is accurate. Eli Manning is Eli. Cowboys 34, Giants 10
RAVENS AT BENGALS - Ray Lewis is stuck, like thousands of Americans, in an airport. He never escapes. Meanwhile, both offenses explode. Bengals 35, Ravens 28
CARDINALS AT 49ERS - The Cardinals are about to gel and the 49ers, to coin a phrase, are exactly who we think they are. Cardinals 28, 49ers 21
This column is sponsored by the three good benchmarks (Good benchmarks!) from the GAO report card on progress in Iraq.
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