|
2007 NFL PICKS: WEEK 2
|
|
WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of the Belichick Plan for Peace with Honor)
"God may forgive you, but I won't"
- Iris Dement
WASHINGTON - Citing Richard Nixon's plan for "peace with honor" in a previous conflict, President George W. Bush yesterday appointed Bill Belichick interim Secretary of Defense.
"For the rest of the war on terrorism, we're going to cheat," said Bush. "We plan to videotape the opponent."
Told that Osama Bin Laden recently sent his own video, Bush scoffed. "Bill Belichick has won Super Bowls," he stated matter-of-factly. "His videos are better, like Beyonce's."
Bush said he expects the Belichick appointment to fly right past a numb Congress and never-skeptical media. "But I am worried about Roger Goodell," said the President. "I think he tapped my phone."
Asked for his thoughts, Belichick arrogantly mumbled and then punched a random photographer.
"Now that's a winner," said Bush. "Everyone knows that cheaters win. Liars too." Barry Bonds agreed while others lined up to chime in. Pete Rose smiled, and Al Gore just sighed from inside an SUV. Rodney Harrison backed his coach "110 percent." Speculation was rampant on where he got the extra 10 percent.
When asked if the Belichick Plan would make America safer, General David Petraeus said, "Sir, I don't know, actually."
Cleveland Browns coach Romeo Crennel, who does not employ a cameraman, suggested a coin flip would bring the right answer. The President pulled out a coin with two heads.
Speaking of coin flips, here's some predictions…
FALCONS AT JAGUARS - Last week, Joey Harrington (six sacks, two interceptions returned for touchdowns) wore a Charlie Frye jersey. Now that Frye's been traded, Joey returns to Harrington form. You know, six sacks and two interceptions returned for touchdowns. Jaguars 30, Falcons 20
TEXANS AT PANTHERS - Mario Williams is actually a good football player. But his name still isn't "Reggie Bush" or "Vince Young." Texans 23, Panthers 17
BENGALS AT BROWNS - After the first quarter, starting quarterback Derek Anderson is cut. At halftime, Brady
Quinn is traded to Dallas for a 6th round pick. At the end of the third quarter, Ken Dorsey is sold for a box of cheese. "This obviously clarifies our quarterback situation," said general manager Phil Savage. He praised the play of the cheese. "Swiss!" Browns 30, Bengals 27
49ERS AT RAMS - The St. Louis offense looked rusty last week but that's just because Steven Jackson used all his energy in that video game commercial. 49ers 24, Rams 20
PACKERS AT GIANTS - "If I were a betting man, I would say he would play," said Giants backup quarterback Jared Lorenzen of starter Eli Manning. If he were a betting man, he'd be an NBA referee. Giants 24, Packers 7
BILLS AT STEELERS - It takes the Steelers offense a quarter (after last week's Browns game) to remember that the other team is allowed to play defense. Shocking. They recover. Steelers 29, Bills 13
COLTS AT TITANS - If this were later in the season when everyone starts that boring 1972 Dolphins talk again, this would be a dangerous game. Not this week. Colts 30, Titans 10
SAINTS AT BUCCANEERS - Reflecting on last week's thrashing by the Colts, Saints quarterback Drew Brees said, "Everything happens for a reason." Unreasonable people everywhere disagree, although the Buccaneers rubberstamp the idea. Saints 38, Buccaneers 12
COWBOYS AT DOLPHINS - Good Romo/Bad Romo? Bad Romo - bad, bad. Meanwhile, in Miami it's any given Sunday. Dolphins 23, Cowboys 19
VIKINGS AT LIONS - The young weapons of the 2007 draft meet for the first time outside the green room. Neither has a good game because they keep swapping funny Brady Quinn stories. Lions 23, Vikings 20
SEAHAWKS AT CARDINALS - This might look like a changing-of-the-guard game, but it's a really just one bird flying past another for a moment. Cardinals 28, Seahawks 17
RAIDERS AT BRONCOS - Scoffing at the debate in Cleveland about when to start Brady Quinn, Al Davis orders JaMarcus Russell to start. Not really, but would it really surprise you? Broncos 29, Raiders 12
JETS AT RAVENS - Ebert & Belichick loved the special effect last week when Ray Lewis's tricep tried to escape from his body. On Sunday, Lewis falls in a puddle and drowns as water fills the hole where his soul should be. Meanwhile, the Jets pass this week's audition. Jets 14, Ravens 13
CHIEFS AT BEARS - Herm Edwards gives the punch line this week. ""We're going on the road against a pretty good defense that doesn't give up a lot of points. It could be ugly." Yes, it could. Bears 30, Chiefs 6
CHARGERS AT PATRIOTS - The Patriots play as if they don't even know the Chargers signals. Chargers 28, Patriots 10
REDSKINS AT EAGLES - Ugly in Philadelphia is such a beautiful thing to behold. Boo who? Redskins 28,
Eagles 14
This column is sponsored by the Isiah Thomas School of Feminism.
|
