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2007 NFL PICKS: WEEK 3
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WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of O.J.'s "Retrieved" Week 3 NFL Predictions)
"A friend of the devil is a friend of mine"
- Grateful Dead
Mother****er! You think you can steal my predictions and just read them?
Nobody leaves this website until I get my picks back! You! I'm talking to you! Quit reading and put your eyes up against the mother****ing wall!
That's better. Now listen. This is not an invasion; it's a visit. And these aren't guns; they are persuasive arguments. And these gloves that I'm wearing don't fit.
It's all a misunderstanding. But if it was an invasion, and these were guns, and these gloves I'm wearing did fit, well then this is exactly how I would have done it - you know, predict these NFL games. What were you thinking I was talking about doing, if I did it?
Mother****er! Where did you get these predictions?
VIKINGS AT CHIEFS - The sea of red fans win the game because it won't be the quarterback or the coach. Remember fans, you cheer to win the game. Chiefs 16, Vikings 13
DOLPHINS AT JETS - The Dolphins, who can't run the ball, have installed grow lights in the locker room. Yes, they miss Ricky Williams. Jets 13, Dolphins 12
BILLS AT PATRIOTS - And without cue cards. (Get used to it, Patriots fans.) Patriots 44, Bills 10
49ERS AT STEELERS - I've been to primal scream therapy and even consulted a spiritual leader named Otis the Bartender and yet I still can't find a way to make the Steelers lose this game. Steelers 38, 49ers 17
CHARGERS AT PACKERS - Call it the Marty Schottenheimer effect. Fire Marty and your team will suck. It may take a year and a half or it may (in the case of this year) take a half a minute, but it always happens. Look it up. Norv Turner is clearly an accelerant to the effect. Packers 24, San Diego 20
LIONS AT EAGLES - A week's worth of mayonnaise, Wonder Bread and Barry Manilow music doesn't help Donovan McNabb's performance at all. Lions 30, Eagles 14
CARDINALS AT RAVENS - Ray Lewis, a noted collector of O.J. Simpson memorabilia, discovers his hobby cuts like a knife. So does the Cardinals offense. Cardinals 27, Ravens 12
RAMS AT BUCCANEERS - The Rams already have diminished expectations and this should get the Buccaneers well along that road. Cadillac = Yugo. Rams 31, Buccaneers 21
COLTS AT TEXANS - Mario Williams was drafted for the specific purpose of harassing Peyton Manning. Texans 17, Colts 14
JAGUARS AT BRONCOS - The Broncos are lucky to be 2-0 against the Bills and Raiders. Lucky means playing the Jaguars at home. Now everyone will talk stupidly about the powerful Broncos. Broncos 31, Jaguars 10
BROWNS AT RAIDERS - While JaMarcus Russell and Brady Quinn play a friendly game of cribbage on the sidelines, Derek Anderson continues on his way to a bigger payday than either one of them. Playing a hunch, Romeo Crennel orders the Browns secondary to eat no toast for breakfast. Browns 104, Raiders 0
BENGALS AT SEAHAWKS - Chad Johnson still smells like beer after last week's visit to Cleveland. This week, he just smells. Seahawks 40, Bengals 20
GIANTS AT REDSKINS - The 2007 version of Tom Coughlin is the most inevitable NFL firing since Rich Kotite wore headphones. And the sign said, "Slow Motion Train Wreck Ahead." Redskins 21, Giants 19
PANTHERS AT FALCONS - Before signing Byron Leftwich, the Falcons called Ryan Leaf. Panthers 27, Falcons 24
COWBOYS AT BEARS - The Tank Johnson and Jerry Jones story makes me misty eyed. Not so much the Bears. Bears 17, Cowboys 9
TITANS AT SAINTS - I jump from bandwagon to bandwagon. This may be one of those moments in time. But for one more week, I stick with the Saints. Saints 24, Titans 21
This column is sponsored by the University of Florida Varsity Taser Team.
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