|
2007 NFL PICKS: WEEK 4
|
|
WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of Journalism Coach Mike Gundy's Week 4 NFL Picks)
"Paranoia strikes deep; Into your life it will creep"
- Buffalo Springfield
The bug-eyed YouTube-moment tirade by Oklahoma State football coach Mike Gundy at columnist Jenni Carlson received overwhelming public support by media haters everywhere. Logically Gundy quickly opened a school of journalism. This is his inaugural letter to students…
Dear Journalism Student,
My name is Mike Gundy and I NEVER read newspapers.
Welcome to the Mike Gundy School of Journalism, approved by Bill Belichick, Bobby Knight, the Bush Administration, the Hillary Clinton campaign, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, - and me, Mike Gundy, the only person qualified to judge journalism.
As for my 13-15 record as coach, I, just like President Bush speaking at the United Nations, would like to change the subject to Burma. Shout out to the monks!
Actually I'd like to talk about my NFL predictions. If you are going to go after an NFL prediction - ONE OF MY NFL PREDICTIONS! - then you should go after one that hasn't been doing the right things. Here's all that my predictions do. They go to class. They're respectful to the media. They're respectful to the public and they have good intentions. These are not professional predictions and don't deserve to be kicked when they're down.
As Dean/Coach of this School of journalism, let me say that newspapers are garbage. If you want to study journalism, you are garbage. Garbage makes me want to puke. Can you spell puke? If you don't have kids you can't.
My team stinks and I blame journalism so I teach journalism. Plus I have kids, which qualifies me as a Dean of this school. That's why I never read newspapers.
You don't have kids, do you? No? You are garbage and so is the person who didn't have kids with you. Two pukes!
One more thing; tuition at this college is $50,000 a year unless you can play quarterback. If you play sports, you get free tuition as an AMATEUR ATHLETE plus you receive tremendous MEDIA COVERAGE and you have a chance to win the Heisman Trophy at a TELEVISED CEREMONY IN NEW YORK CITY!
Anyway, three-fourths of what's to follow is inaccurate. It's fiction. And it embarrasses me to be involved in NFL prognostication. Someday I hope you have a fat kid who can't predict football games at all and then cries about it. Then you'll know how this feels.
Tuition is due Monday. And remember, this is a college - reading is bad for you.
RAVENS AT BROWNS - Two inbred cousin franchises have a Hatfield-McCoy grudge. Derek Anderson has a gun. Jamal Lewis has a record - what… a rushing record. Ray Lewis is sliced by a plastic knife full of stadium mustard held by a stray Chief Wahoo flying through the windy air. Braylon Edwards proves again he belongs in the elite conversation. A couple times during the game, the Browns even play defense. Browns 51, Ravens 38
RAIDERS AT DOLPHINS - "Call timeout at the last second while a winning field goal is about to be kicked." It's not quite as catchy as "Just win baby." Dolphins 17, Oakland 13
BEARS AT LIONS - For a long time, Lovie Smith answered every question with, "Rex is our quarterback." Would you like fries with that? "Rex is our quarterback?" Paper or plastic? "Rex is our quarterback." And now? The Lions wish Rex remained the quarterback. Bears 28, Lions 13
BYE AT SAINTS - The favored Saints lose again. Still shocked?
TEXANS AT FALCONS - Bobby Petrino watches Matt Schaubb play quarterback and wonders why he can't find a player like that on his roster. Texans 24, Falcons 0
PACKERS AT VIKINGS - Earth to Favre, Favre to Earth…back to Earth that is. Vikings 21, Packers 13
JETS AT BILLS - Mike Gundy would describe this game as a tremendous contest between two do-everything-right teams that each come from nice families and have mothers with children and are respectful of the media, which makes him want to puke - the media, not the game. Jets 21, Bills 18
BYE AT TITANS - Vince Young wins his weekend golf game.
RAMS AT COWBOYS - In basketball, they say you can't teach tall. You can't teach what Tony Romo's got either. Call me impressed. Or call me Al. Just don't call collect. Cowboys 39, Rams 11
BUCCANEERS AT PANTHERS - David Carr starts for the Panthers and gets sacked nine times. Buccaneers 19, Panthers 9
SEAHWAWKS AT 49ERS - The two second worst second best running backs play against each other. 49ers 12, Seahawks 10
BYE AT JAGUARS - A can't-lose weekend, which is better than some teams during bye week.
CHIEFS AT CHARGERS - This game features the two worst best runners in the league. I favor the home team. An earthquake hits while the coaches dine together at a seaside restaurant called The Titanic. Chargers 40, Chiefs 10
BRONCOS AT COLTS - Ahem. Jay Cutler has not yet reminded me of John Elway. Colts 50, Broncos 10
STEELERS AT CARDINALS - This is my column and I don't like the facts that I don't like any more than Mike Gundy does or you do, so in my delusional world: Cardinals 29, Steelers 14
BYE AT REDSKINS - The Joe Gibbs plan for America is to get Democrats and Republicans singing "Hail to the Redskins."
EAGLES AT GIANTS - "Can we wear the costumes again?" asks Donovan. Giants 10, Eagles 6
PATRIOTS AT BENGALS - Every game this year when playing against an NFL defense, the Patriots scored exactly 38 points. Patriots 76, Bengals 7.
This column is sponsored by the "Union of Professional Athletes at 3 a.m. in a Strip Club."
|
