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2007 NFL PICKS: WEEK 5
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WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of Hillary Clinton's Rap Song Week 5 NFL Picks)
"I'm a man without conviction"
- Culture Club
In her quest to be all things to all people, Hillary Clinton in a recent debate could not pick a favorite baseball team. But, "keeping it real for my peeps," she released a rap CD of NFL predictions. On the cover, she wore a conservative blue suit and posed next to a stripper pole.
Can't pick no baseball
Cubs or Yankees
Can't pick my nose
Into this hanky
I am for war but I am against it
Let's examine the facts except these two
I had a soul but I once fenced it
To bring these NFL picks to you
Yo! Yo! Yo!
My name is Hillary
Here to predict
The National Football League
Started at Wellesley
Republican
Cheer for the Cowboys
Plus the Redskins
Whatever you want, I surely can say
The Jets will win if you donate today
I'll do what it takes to make dreams come true
If you name a team, it's my favorite too
Yo! Yo! Yo!
My name is Hillary
Here to predict
The National Football League
Favorites will win
Come to mama
But if you lay the points
Lose like Obama
This song tops that pretty Faith Hill
Topping Faith Hill? Don't tell Bill!
All right, that's enough of my yappin'
Here it is - Whatzgonnahappen
CARDINALS AT RAMS - Matt Leinart's eye black looks to be running like Tammy Faye Baker's. Say hello to Ken Whisenhunt's letdown. In other words, these are still the Cardinals. Kurt Warner is no relief. Rams, 23, Cardinals 18
BROWNS AT PATRIOTS - Romeo Crennel and Willie McGinest pilfered the Patriots offensive signals. Derek Anderson stole Tom Brady's karma. Braylon Edwards stole Randy Moss' flash. The Browns steal a win. Browns 39, Patriots 38
JAGUARS AT CHIEFS - This season, the Chiefs stink until halftime so Herman Edwards begins this week's pregame speech with, "Let's pretend we're already losing." It works. Chiefs 22, Jaguars 12
BYE AT BENGALS - Marvin Lewis is arrested for crutching while intoxicated on anger and despair. Yes, crutching.
JETS AT GIANTS - The Jets accuse Osi Umenyiora of stealing the souls of their offensive line. The NFL destroys the evidence. Giants 19, Jets 12
LIONS AT REDSKINS - After scoring 34 points in the final quarter last week against the Bears, the Lions score 34 in the first quarter this week. Lions 34, Redskins 24
SEAHAWKS AT STEELERS - The Steelers refuse to play any more games against teams coached by former assistant coaches that hold a grudge for not getting the top job. Meanwhile, they sort of refuse to play this week too. Seahawks 30, Steelers 20
BYE AT VIKINGS - Adrian Peterson only carried twice in the second half last week. The coach was saving him for the bye week. This week, he's a workhorse.
FALCONS AT TITANS - The Falcons see the opponent with a young athletic quarterback redefining the position and the team wonders where it can get one of those. Titans 24, Falcons 16
PANTHERS AT SAINTS - Sean Payton finds a garage sale copy of the famous book, "How to turn around your season by playing against a team quarterbacked by David Carr." It was once a New York Times bestseller. Saints 39, Panthers 9
DOLPHINS AT TEXANS - In the name of bad football and in honor of the baseball playoffs, this is a baseball score. Texans 6, Dolphins 3
BYE AT RAIDERS - Daunte Culpepper and JaMarcus Russell build a sumo ring.
BUCCANEERS AT COLTS - Jon Gruden's smirk is gone by the time the first Peyton Manning commercial airs. Colts 37, Buccaneers 17
CHARGERS AT BRONCOS - Norv Turner decides to bench LaDanian Tomlinson because he doesn't fit in his style of offense. Broncos 24, Chargers 17
RAVENS AT 49ERS - Brian Billick complains himself to sleep every night. A box of Barry Bonds' steroids falls on Ray Lewis. But Steve McNair finds scotch tape and rubber bands and repairs his body for one good game. 49ers 26, Ravens 13
BYE AT EAGLES - Donovan McNabb is diagnosed with a historically severe case of Post Traumatic Umenyiora Disorder.
BEARS AT PACKERS - Brett Favre on a national stage at home against a struggling division rival… Hmm. The Packers might score a million and John Madden might propose marriage. Packers 48, Bears 20
COWBOYS AT BILLS - The Cowboys are looking past the Bills. And as I look at TV Guide, the Terrell Owens soap opera is scheduled to begin any time now. Bills 23, Cowboys 17
This column is sponsored by people who dream of a Jeb Bush presidency - and unicorns with learning disabilities.
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