|
2007 NFL PICKS: WEEK 6
|
|
WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of Mitt Romney's Lawyer's Week 6 NFL Picks)
"That's me in the spotlight, I'm losing my religion"
- R.E.M.
Tim Russert: Welcome to NBC Meet the Press Potential NFL Prognosticator. With me today is Predictor candidate Mitt Romney and his top advisor, Drew Bledsoe. Romney claims to have replaced Bledsoe as governor of Massachusetts. Mitt, why do you want to be the Predictor?
Mitt Romney: First of all, Tim, I'd like to correct your liberal bias. My lawyer advised me to tell you that I replaced Drew Bledsoe as organizer of the Utah Olympics. Picking the NFL is about competence. It's not about left-wing crazy values from a place I've never been and don't approve of.
Russert: You've never been to Massachusetts?
Romney: Never even heard of it. Is it in France?
Russert: Oh come on, governor. You were once governor of Massachusetts. Here is a "Welcome to Logan Airport" sign with your signature, as governor, on it.
Romney: I am famous. I sign a lot of stuff. I once signed a woman's…
Russert: We'll get to your religion later. I still can't believe you claim you've never been to Massachusetts.
Romney: Tom Brady, Tony Romo and I have each taken Drew Bledsoe's job. Things happen in threes. That's what is important, not this silly talk of me changing my views about a state I've never seen.
Russert: How about this photo of you at Fenway Park, or this one of you at Gillette Stadium?
Romney: One is in Red Sox Nation and this other one is in Patriot Nation. (Pause) Okay, you got me. The Patriots and Red Sox seem to win a lot so of course I went to those places. Even John Kerry tried that old ploy. Look, I am a man of deep life-long principals and allegiances.
Russert: Are you switching teams?
Romney: I will back the Cowboys and Indians if it's effective and they are victorious. To the victors go the spoils. It's good to be spoiled, but I digress. I am saying that predicting requires competence and shaping your message competently. That's why I am wearing a rhinestone cowboy shirt and I painted my face like Chief Wahoo.
Russert: Are you drunk? Maybe you shouldn't listen to every focus group. Do you stand for anything? Why should you be the Predictor of the United States of America?
Romney: I only drink milk, except in bars. Anyway, if I am elected Predictor, I will hire Drew Bledsoe to precede me everywhere I go. So, Drew…
Drew Blesoe: I'm picking the Cowboys.
Romney: There you have it. Patriots it is!
Russert: Next week, I go on the road and interview cultural conservative Fred Thompson sipping pina coladas in a La-Z-Boy on the set of "24" in Hollywood.
Romney: Golly gee willikers, I wonder Whatzgonnahappen.
BENGALS AT CHIEFS - Last week was a bye week for the Bengals, who allowed their players a few days to think outside the team-mandated nitrous-oxide-filled helmets. Bengals 24, Chiefs 21
TEXANS AT JAGUARS - At some point, losing good players off of a thin Texans roster is going to hurt. This game takes place exactly at some point. Jaguars 31, Texans 14
BYE AT BILLS - Christmas is cancelled. Gifts are ordered returned in advance.
DOLPHINS AT BROWNS - I grew up in Cleveland. The Browns are the most continually improving team in the NFL. The Indians are in the AL Championship Series. Lebron James, the best basketball player in the world, plays for the Cavaliers. It should sadden me that the Apocalypse is upon us but I am Slim Pickens riding the atomic bomb to impact. Lots of Derek Anderson bombs this week. Browns 48, Dolphins 24
EAGLES AT JETS - Eric Mangini's perceived coaching IQ is falling faster than the speed of the sound of one hand clapping. "The Eagles cheat," he says in his post-game press conference. Eagles 20, Jets 17
BYE AT BRONCOS - It takes a coaching genius like Mike Shanahan to make Norv Turner look like a coaching genius.
REDSKINS AT PACKERS - The surest bet of the season so far is that whatever I say Brett Favre will do, he does the opposite. So this week I say he's going to do bad, but that means he's going to do good, which is how I am publicly predicting it. Or am I? Redskins 24, Packers 17
RAMS AT RAVENS - The Rams have finished the transformation from The Greatest Show On Turf to the persona of a guy playing ukulele in a subway station begging for pennies. This week, they get pennies while Ray Lewis is a victim of spontaneous human combustion. Rams 17, Ravens 14
BYE AT LIONS - The Lions watch the Wizard of Oz because the Lion eventually gets some courage.
TITANS AT BUCCANEERS - Jon Gruden loses his smoke and mirrors. Titans 27, Buccaneers 13
VIKINGS AT BEARS - Cedric Benson asks Adrian Peterson, "Why do you run so fast? You can make just about the same money running slow." Vikings 21, Bears 17
BYE AT COLTS - Tony Dungy lets the Keith Moon part of his personality out.
PANTHERS AT CARDINALS - Kurt Warner has always been better than you think he is. On the other sideline, David Carr and Vinnie Testaverde confess to Tim Couch envy. Cardinals 39, Panthers 19
RAIDERS AT CHARGERS - Last week, convinced that heavy earrings were slowing him down, LaDainian Tomlinson switched to cubic zirconia. He stays with it. Chargers 23, Raiders 13
BYE AT STEELERS - Hell temporarily freezes, causing the Steelers not to lose. This is another reason stop global warming.
PATRIOTS AT COWBOYS - Before the game, Terrell Owens and Randy Moss share information about eye shadow while Tom Brady and Tony Romo swap Drew Bledsoe wedgie stories. Both defenses are exposed. The Dallas secondary, which makes some good bread, finishes the game as toast. Patriots 41, Cowboys 28
SAINTS AT SEAHAWKS - Somewhere in New Orleans, this conversation occurs: "Your grandfather made this paper bag hat with cutout eyes back when they were first called the Aints. He would want you to have this." Seahawks 24, Saints 19
BYE AT 49ERS - Wide receiver Ashley Lelie, who is paid $4.3 million for two years but almost never plays, discovers his contract calls for him to clean the needles out of Barry Bonds San Francisco Giants locker. It was the cheapest way to find someone to do it.
GIANTS AT FALCONS - Let's hire a college coach for our NFL team. You mean go get someone from Ohio State, USC, or maybe Florida? No, we shall find someone from that perennial powerhouse, the University of Louisville. Giants 30, Falcons 13
This column is sponsored by Blackwater USA Pizza Delivery (Slogan: Buy From Us Or Else), coming soon to a neighborhood near you.
|
