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NFL PICKS: WEEK 6
WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of the Pyongyang Raiders)
“Finally baby; The truth has been told; Now you tell me that I’m crazy; That’s nothing that I didn’t know.”
- Fleetwood Mac
Moments ago, North Korea agreed to disarm except for hair gel and platform shoes. In exchange, the Oakland Raiders are moving to Pyongyang, and the AFC West has been reorganized and renamed the Axis of Evil.
Say hello to the Baghdad Cowboys and the Teheran Steelers. And say goodbye to Elvis’ last toilet.
Hi, I’m not David Gregory, White House correspondent for NBC Nightly News, reporting from a remote corner of the Internet where secret peace talks between George W. Bush and Kim Jong-il just finished. The talks were super-complicated and involved subtle minds like Deion Sanders and Richard Armitage.
And I am told it almost broke down when George Bush offered to merely relocate the Houston Texans plus one framed velvet painting of Elvis playing poker with tuxedo-wearing dogs to Pyongyang. Kim Jong-il demanded the New England Patriots plus Graceland.
War was moments away – Donald Rumsfeld’s coloring book was out and he was drawing up plans. But luckily today is Friday the 13th and that means that retired NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue was subbing for the President’s regular tutor, Henry Kissinger, who was attending a religious ceremony.
So Tagliabue at that moment did what all agents do if their client is criminally insane: He called Al Davis.
There were tense moments. President Bush said he’d never heard of weapons of mass destruction and then kept insisting that “Pyongyang Texans” has a nice ring to it. Meanwhile Kim Jong-il demanded he get the Patriots or “I’ll blow up everything.”
Quickly, Mr. Tagliabue pointed out that Al Davis has similar sartorial taste and that’s when the North Korean leader agreed to take the Raiders. But he still demanded that Graceland be relocated to North Korea.
So George Bush called Japan where Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi was, at that exact moment, using Elvis’ last toilet. (He leased it on his visit here – just like a Camry.)
So to make a long story short, the Americans and North Koreans are chill but the Japanese are angry about unfinished crap.
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The picks this week are based on science. I played rock-paper-scissors against myself and it was easy. My opponent was a loser.
** NEW Free CheeZeburgerZ EVERY DAY! **
GIANTS AT FALCONS – If you wonder what it would be like to mix Eli Manning’s skills with Michael Vick’s, you can watch this game and imagine, or just wait two years and see Vince Young. Falcons 20, Giants 17
PANTHERS AT RAVENS – Ray Lewis has lettuce on his pre-game puppy sandwich. But the Ravens defense still holds up and Steve McNair isn’t having two bad games in a row. Ravens 17, Panthers 14
BYE AT BROWNS – Big gathering of the Maurice Carthon fan club. I’m told it could be just like Woodstock – and though no one is expected to bring the brown acid, it could feel that way. Meanwhile, Phil Savage wonders, “Why are they called guards?”
TEXANS AT COWBOYS – Cowboys offensive linemen ask, “Why am I here?” Texans 28, Cowboys 24
BILLS AT LIONS – Matt Millen is in a fantasy football league with his bowling team. He is in last place, but he thinks his pal, Ed the painter, might be a pretty good wide receiver. Bills 25, Lions 21
BYE AT PACKERS – Brett Favre visits a magic shop and says, “I lost something in here a few years ago.”
EAGLES AT SAINTS – This should be a great football game.
And although there is a ton of talent on both teams, this is going to be a Reggie Bush highlight film. Saints 31, Eagles 28
SEAHAWKS AT RAMS – The greatest show on turf is back – wearing Seahawks uniforms. Seahawks 34, Rams 22.
BYE AT COLTS – Peyton Manning sells ice cubes to Alaskan-Americans.
BENGALS AT BUCCANEERS – This is the dictionary definition of a “trap game ending at a Cadillac Ranch.” Look in Wikipedia. Buccaneers 23, Bengals 17
TITANS AT REDSKINS – Vince Young is going to be great. But not yet. Redskins 31, Titans 7
BYE AT JAGUARS – After playing the Jets last week, the Jaguars burp.
DOLPHINS AT JETS – Nick Saban begins to melt worse than Butch Davis. Jets 32, Dolphins 10
CHIEFS AT STEELERS – Which quarterback would you rather have, Damon Huard or Ben Roethlisberger? That’s currently a tough question. I guess I pick the Steelers defense. Steelers 12, Chiefs 9
BYE AT VIKINGS – Troy Williamson buys Super Glue … and then drops it.
CHARGERS AT 49ERS – So Philip Rivers says to Alex Smith, “If a young quarterback has a supporting cast, his job is a lot easier.” Chargers 24, 49ers 6
RAIDERS AT BRONCOS – It’s football night in America. I hope there’s a baseball game on. Broncos 44, Raiders 10
BYE AT PATRIOTS – Robert Kraft gets his Super Bowl ring back from Russian President Vladimer Putin – with the help of Raiders owner Kim Jong-il.
BEARS AT CARDINALS – Week after week, despite the plans of the NFL, Monday Night Football gets better games than Sunday night. This one should be interesting for … almost a half. Bears 30, Cardinals 10
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The blame is with Jerry Glanville.
When Glanville coached in the NFL, he left tickets each week for Elvis Presley. And each week for years, the 5’3” tall Kim Jong-il tried to collect Elvis’ tickets because his father told him (to get him out of the country) that he was the reincarnation of Elvis.
And although Kim Jong-il performed regularly in Las Vegas as an Elvis impersonator, he could never get into NFL games for free. And now, he wants revenge.
** NEW Free CheeZeburgerZ EVERY DAY! **
This column is sponsored by low-fat donut gravy.
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