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2007 NFL PICKS: WEEK 7
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WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of World War III, Super Bowl XLII, and Week 7 NFL Picks)
"Some say it's just a part of it; We've got to fulfill de book"
- Bob Marley
"I've told people that if you're interested in avoiding World War III, it seems like you ought to be interested in preventing them from having the knowledge necessary to make a nuclear weapon."
- George Bush
Last Sunday, President Bush and I watched the Cowboys/Patriots game together. I was cheering for the Patriots and he was cheering for the Cowboys so when Tom Brady threw another touchdown pass, I said, "Ha!" and he asked me if I was interested in avoiding World War III.
You probably have a friend like him.
This guy drops World War III into almost every conversation. The topic does not matter. At halftime, he asked me to pass the potato chips. When I didn't pass them fast enough, he again asked if I was interested in avoiding World War III.
The President is a Miami Dolphins fan, because of his brother and Florida in 2000 etc., and so last week I pointed out that the Dolphins are about as successful as his foreign policy. I cheer for the Cleveland Browns, who at the time happened to be beating the winless Dolphins. It was great, but again he started with the World War III talk.
In conclusion and I mean it, I am actually somewhat interested in avoiding World War III and preventing all necessary knowledge from passing into brains of the bad guys but just to cover my tracks, I'd like to predict Super Bowl XLII and World War III in advance.
I'm saying the Browns would have won in a squeaker over the Packers in the Super Bowl, and I'm taking the cockroaches as big winners in World War III. As for this week, if we avoid World War III, here's Whatzgonnahappen.
PATRIOTS AT DOLPHINS - On a dare from some random supermodel, Tom Brady plays the game blindfolded with his right arm tied behind his back. The Patriots win by only 38 and a Sony Camcorder is named player of the game. Patriots 50, Dolphins 12
CARDINALS AT REDSKINS - Tim Rattay and then Tim Hasselbeck are hurt in the first series. The Cardinals, seeing the success of 58-year-old Vinny Testaverde, bring in Joe Namath, who publicly guarantees a Suzy Kolber reference on an NFL predictions website. Redskins 22, Cardinals 14
BUCCANEERS AT LIONS - Everyone else in the world says that the Lions are frauds. I say, with a Cleveland Browns grudge, that Jeff Garcia is a fraud. Lions 24, Buccaneers 10
BYE AT PANTHERS - Vinny Testaverde urges Richard Petty to come out of retirement. The King kicks his feet back and points out that he, unlike Vinny, has been a champion many times.
49ERS AT GIANTS - The expected implosion by Tom Coughlin never happened and my crow dinner tastes mighty fine. Giants 30, 49ers 13
FALCONS AT SAINTS - Bobby Petrino is the reincarnation of Butch Davis, but the Saints are the reincarnation of the way old Saints. I hear a funeral march. Falcons 20, Saints 17
RAVENS AT BILLS - One of those person-filled barrels that are always going over Niagara Falls strays off course and hits Ray Lewis upside the head. Willis McGahee fumbles late, setting up a Marshawn Lynch touchdown. Bills 21, Ravens 20
BYE AT BROWNS - Brady Quinn is spotted near Jacobs Field wearing a Derek Anderson jersey. Meanwhile, with the Browns looking like they are going to be a winning team, the owner legally changes his name from "Thanksdad" to "Randy Lerner."
TITANS AT TEXANS - Last year in Houston, Vince Young scored in overtime and then jumped into the stands to the cheers of Houston fans. Times have changed in Houston. Terry Bradshaw never used to get greeted that way. Texans 23, Titans 10
CHIEFS AT RAIDERS - Herman Edwards is looking like an early coach of the year candidate - furthering my intake of crow. I've eaten it thousands of times so I know it is best served with hollandaise sauce. Oh, and the baby ones are the tastiest. Chiefs 20, Raiders 17
JETS AT BENGALS - The Kevorkian Bowl. Bengals 35, Jets 9
BYE AT PACKERS - Brett Favre puts the trophy for most career interceptions in the same room where he keeps gray hair dye.
BEARS AT EAGLES - Kids nowadays can't remember back when these were really tough teams. Eagles 18, Bears 14
RAMS AT SEAHAWKS - If this game took place in the Republican presidential field, the Rams would be Sam Brownback unnoticed while the Seahawks are at least attention grabbing like Mike Huckabee and maybe even John McCain relevant. Groupie Republican/NFL fans out there can relate. Seahawks 30, Rams 12
VIKINGS AT COWBOYS - Speaking of groupies, if this game took place in the Democratic presidential field, the Vikings would be Barack Obama flashy with their rookie running back, while the Cowboys would be transparent like the frontrunner, Hillary Clinton. Transparent apparently wins. Cowboys 35, Vikings 20
BYE AT CHARGERS - Chris Chambers to the rescue or Norv Turner to the unemployment line.
STEELERS AT BRONCOS - The last drops of the Colorado Rockies magic potion spills and lands at Invesco Field. Though it gives the Steelers a scare, there was only enough potion left to last until halftime. Steelers 27, Broncos 24
COLTS AT JAGUARS - It is close until the first Peyton Manning commercial. The Colts have to win in order for the biblical match up of the Patriots and Colts to come true on November 4. All I am saying is that if Roger Goodell is interested in avoiding World War III until at least November 5, he'd do his best to find an NBA referee to make sure the Colts win this week. Colts 29, Jaguars 13
This column is sponsored by the exciting first 12 seconds of World War III.
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