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NFL PICKS: WEEK 7
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WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of The Dennis Green Adoption Agency)
“People say beware!; But I don’t care; The words are just; Rules and regulations to me”
- Patti Smith
Just after Madonna buys the Detroit Lions…
Madonna: I want to adopt Peyton Manning. I have no salary cap. Actually, I am naked.
Dennis Green: So the Material Girl finally bought the Lions? I know who you are. Look at you.
Madonna: Please, look at me.
Dennis Green: Okay. (pause) You are exactly who I thought you are! Okay? Okay! …Okay… Anyway, um, you want to adopt Peyton Manning? You can’t adopt Peyton Manning! I talked to his Dad, Archie, and he said you can only adopt Eli because Eli is exactly who I think he is!
M: Papa, don’t preach. And quit punching the keyboard. I can adopt the child of any father in the world. Everyone knows that fathers aren’t important. Money is important and that’s all.
DG: You want to crown your @$$! Go ahead crown your @$$!
M: You want to put a crown on my @$$? Wow, that’s the only thing I’ve never done before, not even with Dennis Rodman or Matt Millen. I love you. Will you be my coach?
DG: I have a job.
M: I heard that’s not for long.
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Games are not fixed in the NFL and I can prove it. Plus the culture is messed up and I can prove that too.
I looked in the Yellow Pages for Mafia and now I am holding a hostage because I figured I’d get inside information about this weekend’s games. This is what I do for you, my readers. (Not sure if readers should be plural or not…Mom?)
Anyway, I think I took the wrong hostage because this criminal doesn’t care about the NFL. I guess everyone but me knew that gambling gangsters and gangstas only bet on “Dancing with Stars.”
Therefore, although I tried, the following is not based on inside information…
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STEELERS AT FALCONS – NFL subterfuge is taken to new levels as the Falcons, practicing hair tackles all week, sneak Polamalu-like hair extensions onto Hines Ward and Willie Parker. It works, as the Falcons win by, yep, a hair. Falcons 21, Steelers 20
PATRIOTS AT BILLS – The Bills come home trying to regroup but they find a well-rested Patriots team that has prepared for two weeks. Nine hundred feet of snow doesn’t even help. Patriots 29, Bills 9
BYE AT RAVENS – Just before Ray Lewis runs into traffic, his frightened voice is heard to yell, “Jim Fassel got shot!” Actually, Jim Fassel was fired - proving again that guns don’t kill people, semantics do.
PANTHERS AT BENGALS – How is it that every team knows the Panthers are going to throw the ball to Steve Smith and he beats them anyway? We’ll get to try to figure it out again this weekend. Panthers 24, Bengals 17
JAGUARS AT TEXANS – Scientists cannot prove that the Texans are in the NFL. Jaguars 30, Texans 14
BYE AT BEARS – Rex Grossman throws away a winning lottery ticket but the neighbor he hates brings it back to him.
CHARGERS AT CHIEFS – Philip Rivers learns that talent is not the only thing that counts in the NFL. Red stadiums help a lot. Chiefs 20, Chargers 12.
PACKERS AT DOLPHINS – This is a bragging-rights game, and I’m thinking draft-pick bragging. Dolphins 22, Packer 18
BYE AT SAINTS – Drew Brees wins the lottery by playing the 10 numbers on Reggie Bush’s “amateur” USC ID card.
LIONS AT JETS – Matt Millen spends the day recruiting in the corner of the end zone because he heard Jimmy Hoffa is a good wide receiver. Jets 20, Lions 17
EAGLES AT BUCCANEERS – The feel good story of the year, Bruce Gradkowski, feels bad at the end of this game. Eagles 34, Buccaneers 10
BYE AT 49ERS – Best week of the season.
BRONCOS AT BROWNS – Browns win. This is the easiest game of the year to pick. Most of the Broncos victories are fraudulent and half of the Browns losses were gift wrapped by Maurice Carthon. Not this week. Browns 37, Broncos 10
REDSKINS AT COLTS – The Colts stay undefeated but this game doesn’t even stir the 1972 Dolphins. Colts 42, Redskins 28
BYE AT RAMS – Like so many teams this year, the Rams spend the bye week learning that a football game is 60 minutes long.
CARDINALS AT RAIDERS – Oh gosh, the terrorists are winning. Cardinals 13, Raiders 10
VIKINGS AT SEAHAWKS – In a scene reminiscent of Ellis Island, the free agents pass each other like immigrants with gold suitcases. Seahawks 27, Vikings 17
BYE AT TITANS – Vince Young watches a tape of last year’s Rose Bowl just to recall how easy football is.
GIANTS AT COWBOYS – On the tenth sack, Drew Bledsoe falls through the gap between Michael Strahan’s teeth straight into toxic spinach. Giants 24, Cowboys 10
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Madonna: Well then can I adopt Terrell Owens?
Bill Parcells: Yes!
Dennis Green: Where did you come from?
Bill Parcells: Never mind, the answer is yes! Take him.
Here, the paperwork is already done.
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This column is sponsored by Kelly Temporary Services; NFL Offensive Coordinators Division.
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