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2007 NFL PICKS: WEEK 8
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WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of London's Church of Money Week 8 NFL Picks)
"Come on, come on, love me for the money"
- AC/DC
Dearly beloved shareholders,
The National Football League this week is playing a regular season game in London begging the question; in which nation is it a national football league? Let's ask Beckham!
Actually the answer never begs because the game takes place in the Nation of Money, which is run by the Church of Money as a completely non-charitable theocracy. The NFL has sold a game to England, proving once again that our Church of Money is a legitimate monotheistic religion that crosses all borders.
Meanwhile, in another sport, the Boston Yank$ox (2nd highest payroll in baseball) interrupt their march into the World Series so Manny can be Manny and money can be money and the Yank$ox (Yanksox, Yank Sox, Yanks Sox?) can fly their new evil empire flag with the Church of Money's blessing.
Before I get dragged into theological discussions, let me remind you that every other church has an important virgin or 72 involved, or at the very least there are virgins as members of the religion.
This church has no virgins - no virgins guaranteed.
So as we gather this afternoon in the NFL hotbed of foggy London, let us contemplate this oil-based portrait of Prince Charles in a Jeremy Shockey jersey riding in a gold Bentley full of diamond-breasted hookers with bad teeth (his preference).
Let us genuflect and pray, or at least hire someone to pray.
The evidence is in and the prophecies are coming true so get your hired praying person down on his or her knees by halftime at the latest. I suggest hiring a full prayer group if you have the means. And if you don't, how did you get into this church?
Go home and watch on TV with the rest of the riff-raff. Be sure to buy a jersey.
But if you happen to be a very religious president who needs the best NFL picks guaranteed to win $2.4 trillion for a decade's worth of war, you'd probably like to know whatzgonnahappen.
LIONS AT BEARS - The Bears think their winning-ugly formula can work better than the Lions winning-pretty formula. It turns out that both formulas are pretty ugly. Bears 24, Lions 20
RAIDERS AT TITANS - The Raiders won a game this year by calling a timeout just as a kicker was kicking a game winning field goal. On the other side, Titans kicker Rob Bironas last week scored more points by field goals than most NBA All Stars. It's a chess match until the Raiders run out of timeouts. Titans 27, Raiders 12
BYE AT CHIEFS - After watching game film of their victories, the Chiefs as a team eat their own eyeballs in a bonding ode to their Coyote Ugly style.
GIANTS AT MIAMI AT LONDON - I know that below the equator, when toilets flush the water spins backwards. Does this translate to the Dolphins playing well across the Atlantic? Although the logic stands up, it is probably a meaningless analogy. Giants 34, Dolphins 6
BROWNS AT RAMS - Derek Anderson and the Browns put on the greatest show on turf. The game is interesting for too long because the Browns defense makes the Rams offense look good. Braylon Edwards continues to add to his highlight reel but Kellen Winslow is held up from scoring by third base coach Joel Skinner, who doesn't think it would be prudent. Browns 48, Rams 29
BYE AT SEAHAWKS - Take two aspirin and call me in a week.
EAGLES AT VIKINGS - Adrian Peterson, who fumbled at a key moment last week, has watched one too many Eric Dickerson tapes. Vikings 22, Eagles 21
STEELERS AT BENGALS - Sorry Bengals fans, but "We beat the Jets" is not a slogan. Steelers 31, Bengals 17
BYE AT CARDINALS - Kurt Warner's left elbow files retirement papers. When 50 percent of his body files papers, he is officially retired.
COLTS AT PANTHERS - Colts, yawn, win. Colts 24, Panthers 10
BILLS AT JETS - I was reading a bunch of newspapers and then I looked on a map trying to locate the city "Woeful." I couldn't find it anywhere, even though there is an NFL team named the "Woeful Jets." Wait a minute. It's over here next to "Hapless." It must be a suburb. Bills 21, Jets 14
BYE AT COWBOYS - On Halloween, Terrell Owens orders a pepperoni pizza from the suicide hotline. Drew Bledsoe, wearing a Bill Parcells mask, delivers it.
TEXANS AT CHARGERS AT SOMEWHERE - The Chargers are on fire, making LaDainian Tomlinson impossible to tackle. Chargers 41, Texans 11
JAGUARS AT BUCCANEERS - Quinn Gray is set to make a name for himself. We shall call him "Quinn Gray the losing quarterback." Buccaneers 20, Jaguars 10
BYE AT FALCONS - Joey Harrington looks into getting a real estate license.
SAINTS AT 49ERS - Look for the 49ers to officially change their name to the Score-Niners. Saints 30, 49ers 9
REDSKINS AT PATRIOTS - Patriots, yawn, win. Patriots 24, Redskins 10
BYE AT RAVENS - Ray Lewis chokes on his own words.
PACKERS AT BRONCOS - The Packers decide to eliminate the running back position from the roster. Packers 31, Broncos 21
This column is sponsored by George Bush in an airplane looking down at a natural disaster.
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