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NFL PICKS: WEEK 8
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WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of My Celebrity Halloween Blog)
“Welcome to my nightmare I think you’re gonna like it; I think you’re gonna feel like you belong”
- Alice Cooper
6 P.M. Fear struck when the bad kids, dressed as Dick Cheney and Terrell Owens, came to the door first. They didn’t even ask if I would prefer trick or treat - they just egged my house and then told me how much I enjoyed it. The “Cheney kid” said it was good for me, while the “T.O. kid” said it was the quarterback’s fault.
6:30 After a half an hour of bobbing for hard apple cider, I felt better so I finally answered the doorbell again only to see George Bush and Al Davis holding signs. Each had a slogan, “Stay the course” and “Just win baby.” I handed them my favorite slogan, “Who Cares About Apathy,” and then I went inside where I ate candy.
7 P.M. Just to make me feel loved, my pet rabies-infected bat, Condoleezza, was about to toilet paper my house when the doorbell rang. It was Drew Bledsoe, Kurt Warner and John Kerry. I’ve never understood why the really old kids go out on Halloween. They just look stupid.
7:30 Hillary Clinton rang the doorbell so obviously I ran as if I’d just seen Godzilla’s ugly sister, but then I bumped into Rush Limbaugh and he dropped some pills, so at least I now have a new stupid girlfriend. No wait, that kid who dresses like Matt Leinart stole Paris from me. No wait, he dropped her. No wait…
8 P.M. Barack Obama and Peyton Manning show up because of the sign I put up; “No Major Accomplishments Necessary.”
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Imagine the worst possible NFL predictions in the entire universe. Imagine no religion. Imagine…
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49ERS AT BEARS – Even though the 49ers are knocking on the Bears’ door, it’s the Bears who yell “Trick or Treat!” and force the 49ers to give them candy. Bullies! Alex Smith dresses like a 49ers quarterback but Mormons laugh. Bears 40, 49ers 20
FALCONS AT BENGALS – Michael Vick thought Halloween was last week so he dressed up like Johnny Unitas. This week, he goes back to wearing his Bobby Douglass uniform. But Carson Palmer finds his Carson Palmer costume again and it’s a game. Bengals 30, Falcons 25
CARDINALS AT PACKERS – Matt Leinart wants to dress like Brett Favre, but Brett keeps the costume for one more week. Edgerrin James wears concrete shoes. Packers 27, Cardinals 17
BYE AT BILLS – It’s Halloween so J.P. Losman gets to take off his dunce cap.
SEAHAWKS AT CHIEFS – Seneca Wallace (who?) wears an NFL costume. Mom! Mom! Look! Meanwhile, Chiefs fans wear red. Chiefs 19, Seahawks 12
RAVENS AT SAINTS – A voodoo priestess senses an evil dancing spirit in the city so she starts sticking pins in her evil dancing spirit doll, which explains what happened to Ray Lewis this week. Meanwhile, Brian Billick, as his own offensive coordinator, suddenly remembers the only play he knows – throw a bomb to Randy Moss. Billick, dressed frighteningly as himself, scans his roster but is Moss-less. Saints 24, Ravens 16
BUCCANEERS AT GIANTS – While Jon Gruden wears his same tired costume of Chucky the little evil doll, the Giants all wear hockey masks. Tom Coughlin looks natural wearing a hockey mask. Giants 38, Buccaneers 20
BYE AT LIONS – Matt Millen dresses like a bag of rocks trying to think but no one notices that he is wearing a costume.
JAGUARS AT EAGLES – After losing two straight, Andy Reid poses for a pumpkin carving contest and then dresses like a drill sergeant while Eagles fans get their mojo back at the expense of Byron Leftwich. Eagles 26, Jaguars 13
TEXANS AT TITANS – Vince Young dresses like a rookie quarterback while the Texans, for the second week in a row, dress like a good team. Texans 28, Titans 10
RAMS AT CHARGERS – Marty Schottenheimer, on a dare from Philip Rivers, dresses as Don Coryell. Chargers 42, Rams 28
BYE AT DOLPHINS – Nick Saban starts wearing a bow tie and red suspenders. “Halloween? No, I didn’t know it was Halloween,” he says. “This is what smart people wear.”
JETS AT BROWNS – Eric Mangini wears a smile but it is so unfamiliar that it becomes uncomfortable. Meanwhile, new Browns offensive coordinator Jeff Davidson finds that Browns fans have given him Paul Brown’s hat, Vince Lombardi’s coat, Bill Belichick’s sweatshirt, Tom Landry’s tie, Bill Walsh’s shoes, Jimmy Johnson’s hairspray, and Joe Gibbs’ glasses. “Someone sent me a halo too,” he says. Browns 40, Jets 14
COLTS AT BRONCOS – By the end of the game, Jake Plummer’s costume includes a clipboard. Colts 30, Broncos 10
STEELERS AT RAIDERS – Ben Roethlisberger dresses as the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz. Raiders fans wear polo shirts. Steelers 19, Raiders 10
BYE AT REDSKINS – Joe Gibbs dresses in a NASCAR suit, with patches from head to toe, all week. “I love my job coaching this 2-5 football team,” he says. “Why do you ask?”
COWBOYS AT PANTHERS – At halftime, Bill Parcells replaces himself with Maurice Carthon because he decides to prove to fans that, yes, things can get worse. Terrell Owens wishes he could dress like Steve Smith. Drew Bledsoe sells his motionless Frankenstein outfit on Ebay. Panthers 24, Cowboys 10
PATRIOTS AT VIKINGS – Bill Belichick, dressed like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever, has his offense show the Vikings more dance steps than they’ve seen all year. Meanwhile, Chester Taylor cannot find his Bo Jackson costume anywhere. Patriots 30, Vikings 14
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8:30 I make popcorn and from nowhere Tom Brady shows up. Everyone knows he is a winner and so everyone, leery of everyone else, wonders who is with him. Have you ever met everyone? What a jerk!
9 P.M. The neighborhood rich kid, dressed like Cleveland Browns owner Randy Lerner, said he has plenty of candy but he suggested that I watch soccer so I sold my Leroy Kelly jersey on Ebay and cried.
This column is sponsored by toilet paper salesmen and their dreams.
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