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NFL PICKS: WEEK 5
WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of T.O.’s AOL IMs to W.)
“Don’t feel like Satan; But I am to them; So I try to forget it; Any way I can”
- Neil Young
This is the actual imaginary AOL transcript of an IM conversation between Terrell Owens and George W. Bush…
TO81: What are you wearing?
W43: My Superman pajamas. What about you?
TO81: Same thing. You know, my T.O. jersey.
W43: Yeah, I’m dressed like Cheney.
TO81: Doesn’t that scare Laura?
W43: No, she likes it. We role-play. She dresses like America. But never mind about that. I can’t sleep.
TO81: I thought you were up late. What is it, 8 p.m.?
W43: Yeah, all this conflict has me confused. Sometimes I think nobody likes me.
TO81: Everybody likes me.
W43: I don’t like you.
TO81: You’re just saying that. Of course you like me. You like me because more people don’t like me than don’t like you, and that’s good for you.
W43: I don’t know about that. A lot of people don’t like me. I’ve even got a reporter after me – some guy named Bob Woodward.
TO81: That’s nothing. Did you hear what happened to me last week? Nancy Grace was asking me questions.
W43: Half the world burns me in effigy.
TO81: I’m going to Philly this weekend.
W43: Oh right, those people really do hate you. Well, I got to go.
TO81: Where you going?
W43: I think I can sleep now.
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Someone recently pointed out to me that although I get about half of these picks dead wrong, I seem to get one almost exactly right too. So, yes, I am offering you a guaranteed pick of the week. It’s one of these…
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BROWNS AT PANTHERS – In the fourth quarter, just as Charlie Frye is about to throw his weekly knucklehead interception in the end zone, he receives a text message from Donovan McNabb. “This message isn’t for me,” he says. And that’s when he decides he needs a new plan, so he switches carriers and throws the ball into Kellen Winslow Jr.’s hands. Browns 20, Panthers 17
LIONS AT VIKINGS – I’ve been on the Vikings bandwagon all year. And now I am like Dennis Hastert with a gift certificate from Mark Foley to join a gym. I look in the mirror and take the blame. Lions 24, Vikings 16
TITANS AT COLTS – This week, Peyton Manning finishes endorsing everything. Colts 42, Titans 19
BYE AT FALCONS – Michael Vick is told to work on his throwing by tossing the ball 100 times through a tire hanging from a tree. But after three throws, he just runs by the tire the other 97 times.
RAMS AT PACKERS – I know a legendary Packers fan named Wally the Packers Nut who has been wearing black all week as if he was a Republican at a Foley fundraiser, but on Sunday I predict he gets to go back to green and gold. Yes, that’s a Lambeau leap. Packers 31, Rams 24
BILLS AT BEARS – In 2003, Bears QB Rex Grossman was picked 22 in the draft. In 2004, Bills QB J.P. Losman was picked 22 in the draft. In 2006, at least one fan of each of these teams, wearing either a Grossman or Losman jersey, will attempt to drink 22 drafts. This is a science column. I look for patterns. Bears 29, Bills 14
REDSKINS AT GIANTS – By halftime, the Redskins are winning by 40 and Jeremy Shockey has held two press conferences. In the locker room, Giants coach Tom Coughlin motivates his team by threatening to sue them. It almost works. Redskins 40, Giants 33.
BYE AT BENGALS – Marvin Lewis supervises while the team cleans the highways. Work release.
BUCCANEERS AT SAINTS – Last time the Saints played in the Superdome it was as if God was on their side. Now, the Buccaneers come to town. More divine intervention. Saints 32, Buccaneers 10
DOLPHINS AT PATRIOTS – The difference between Nick Saban and Bill Belichick is like the difference between Daunte Culpepper and Tom Brady. Patriots 33, Dolphins 13
RAIDERS AT 49ERS – Philosophers ask why. 49ers 1, Raiders 0
BYE AT TEXANS – Usually the best week of the year for the Texans.
JETS AT JAGUARS – Chad Pennington and Byron Leftwich went to Marshall University. Now look. Neither one is still there. That sure says something about the university. Jaguars 17, Jets 14
CHIEFS AT CARDINALS – The simple joke is to say that Matt Leinart found the game easier last year when he was on a professional football team. But this week, Damon Huard reverts to being the simple joke. Cardinals 32, Chiefs 10
COWBOYS AT EAGLES – With homeland security serving as ushers and beer vendors, Donovan McNabb walks into the huddle and sends a text message, which is intercepted by the Drudge Report and then put on a banner pulled by a Navy jet circling the stadium. T.O. never sees the message. But he sees the ball – a lot. Cowboys 30, Eagles 13
BYE AT SEAHAWKS – I pray that Shaun Alexander prays for world peace.
STEELERS AT CHARGERS – Oh, so that’s why the Chargers wanted Philip Rivers instead of Ben Roethlisberger. Chargers 31, Steelers 10
RAVENS AT BRONCOS – Jay Cutler, who saw the news about Matt Leinart and Vince Young already starting, asks Ray Lewis to stomp on Jake Plummer but Ray declares he has too much class to act in such a way. And then there was a bolt of lightening. Broncos 21, Ravens 15
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W43: Wait, wait.
TO81: What? What?
W43: Kim Etheridge. She belongs in my administration.
TO81: I know but it’s not happening. I got 25 million reasons why she’s mine.
W43: I can dress like Cheney.
TO81: Not like me. It’s easy to shoot your best friend. Just watch Sunday.
This column is sponsored by Henry Kissinger’s Plan For Victory, The Sequel,” presented by Wes Craven.
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