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2007 NFL PICKS: WEEK 9
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WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of The Kucinich UFO Week 9 NFL Picks)
"There's someone in my head but it's not me"
- Pink Floyd
This is an actual transmission from the Dennis Kucinich flying saucer.
To: Exalted Leader of Planet Yzarc
From: Flying Saucer #007
Arrived on Earth yesterday. Greeted by an elderly elfish man with an unusually hot young wife. He was waving an outdated document called the United States Constitution. He had no tickets to the big Colts/Patriots game but he did have many complaints. After ten minutes of listening to him, we left.
Flew then to Boston but ran into a traffic jam as Red Sox fans from across the Red Sox Universe were lining up to do the Papelbon jig - which looks funny when done by us with six legs. We all laughed. But we could not get any tickets in Boston either. The town was way too drunk. Despite Mitt Romney, Boston does not seem like a large Mormon enclave. No one even noticed us, except for a cop who gave our flying saucer a parking ticket.
Next we went to the hometown of the elderly elfish man with an unusually hot young wife - a place called Cleveland. Asked about Peyton Manning and Tom Brady but all the locals talked about was a moose from Scappoose. No tickets to the big game either, although someone offered us World Series tickets cheap and a white towel full of tiny dead bugs.
We then did what we thought would be a quick jaunt to Hollywood hoping a celebrity might help. Instead Britney Spears had us watch her kids and panties while she went out for a night on the town. She later slept in the same room as the first mate. We regret to inform you that he now has cooties. The good news is he's going to be a father.
Meanwhile, we have asked everyone to take us to the leader but they either laugh or sigh.
Gas prices here on Earth are ridiculous. So to save on gas, we took an airline back to New York. We regret to inform you that they lost our luggage and we arrived two weeks late. The good news is that Hillary Clinton gave us each a driver's license without any questions.
Drove back to Indianapolis. Saw Bill Belichick rob two liquor stores and a convenience store along the way. Each time he was caught, he pled guilty and gave up a draft pick as his penalty. His lawyer is a no-nonsense-but-my-nonsense kind of fellow named Roger Goodell. On the way out of the convenience store, Belichick beat up Joe Gibbs and then smiled and said he wished he'd kicked him in the groin. "Might have cost me a second round pick," he added.
Arrived in Indianapolis just in time to see Peyton Manning's commercial advertising an upcoming Peyton Manning commercial.
Bought tickets from a supermodel scalper, who said she got them from Tom Brady. It was a long trip, but getting a Tom Brady castoff makes it all worthwhile - even though she only has two legs. So we're going to the big game… We can't wait to find out whatzgonnahappen.
PACKERS AT CHIEFS - Brett Favre's lucky rabbit's foot has been taking LRFGH - lucky rabbit-foot growth hormones. Don't tell the commissioner's office. Packers 21, Chiefs 20
BRONCOS AT LIONS - Dre' Bly and Champ Bailey, co-chairman of Denver Area Athletic Supporters of Brett Favre, this week mistake John Kitna for Brett Favre. Lunch at the club? That would be toast. Lions 28, Broncos 19
49ERS AT FALCONS - This sad game is a leftover trick from Halloween. Falcons 13, 49ers 10
BYE AT BEARS - Nostalgia for the good old days of complaining about Rex Grossman.
REDSKINS AT JETS - Joe Gibbs personally thanks Eric Mangini for making Bill Belichick angry. Think of it as the circle of life, or perhaps the food chain. Redskin 32, Jets 7
PANTHERS AT TITANS - Ever since Vince Young whined and bragged on 60 minutes, he hasn't played 60 minutes of good football. He should've hired Reggie Bush's agent. Titans 20, Panthers 15
JAGUARS AT SAINTS - Quinn Gray has mastered the art of handing off the football. Meanwhile, the Saints have remembered how to tease. Saints 29, Jaguars 10
BYE AT DOLPHINS - The winless Dolphins return from London dressed as the plumed guards of Buckingham Palace hoping that no one would notice them. This is strategy Dolphins-style.
CHARGERS AT VIKINGS - The Chargers finally look like they are on a roll and the Vikings look like easy pickings. Although the Vikings are, the Chargers roll is another mirage. Watch the mantle of best running back in the league pass across the field. Vikings 23, Chargers 20
BENGALS AT BILLS - J.P. Losman versus the Bengals defense could be characterized as a battle of wits, or witless. Bills 38, Bengals 37
CARDINALS AT BUCCANEERS - It's close enough to Halloween for me to give this game to the guy wearing the Chucky costume. Plus, Cardinals on the road? Buccaneers 23, Cardinals 20
BYE AT GIANTS - "Hey Dad, I have more touchdowns in England than Peyton. What do you think about that? No, not New England. Old England."
SEAHAWKS AT BROWNS - Derek Anderson throws for three touchdowns and no interceptions. This is a recording. Browns 28, Seahawks 21
TEXANS AT RAIDERS - Sage Rosenfels to the rescue. Well, not so much the rescue. Raiders 23, Texans 10
PATRIOTS AT COLTS - Karma says the Colts should win 52-7 but Bill Belichick is immune to karma. Logic says the Patriots should win 52-51, but logic has been ordered to be quiet and surrender a draft pick. Fate says the Colts win, easier than you'd think. Colts 31, Patriots 20
BYE AT RAMS - Stephen Jackson injures himself while saying the word, "Injury."
COWBOYS AT EAGLES - Tony Romo dedicates this game to his bank vault. Terrell Owens text messages Donovan McNabb after each of his three touchdowns. Cowboys 30, Eagles 17
RAVENS AT STEELERS - It kills me that the Steelers are good. And staying on that subject, Ray Lewis this week drowns in all three rivers. Just to be sure. Steelers 37, Ravens 14
This column is sponsored by a soul transplant for Scott Boras.
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