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NFL PICKS: WEEK 9
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WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of Tom Brady’s Attack Ads)
"Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery; None but ourselves can free our minds"
- Bob Marley
As crucial mid-term games approach, the ad wars between the blue state Patriots and red state Colts have heated up. Here's one side to the story…
AD #1: Hi, I look vaguely like Michael J. Fox and I shake like this because I am drunk after watching Peyton Manning beat my favorite football team. It is 7 A.M. and one week ago I imagine I was about to cure cancer but it's not going to happen now - all because of Peyton Manning.
Instead, I love whiskey! This scientific evidence is proof that Peyton Manning doesn't care about sick people.
(Paid for by Tom Brady for Winning Quarterback)
** NEW Free CheeZeburgerZ EVERY DAY! **
AD #2: Peyton Manning has had sex, and he used to be a little boy.
Ick.
(Paid for by the independent group, the Association for Securing Sainthood for Tom Brady - ASSTB. Bumper stickers available.)
** NEW Free CheeZeburgerZ EVERY DAY! **
AD #3: It has been three years since Peyton Manning first declared Mission Accomplished, but what has he really accomplished?
Sure, he won the MVP in 2003 when he accepted that award on the aircraft carrier USS Dan Marino, yet his career remains in a quagmire.
And this week, we're to believe that it has all turned around? Ha. Vote for Tom Brady, who has a clear vision on how to win this game.
(Paid for by Truth.)
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AD #4: Peyton Manning now says the reason he wants to win this game is to liberate his fans. Before that it was to depose the champion because he said the champion had an unfair advantage, but then he couldn't prove the unfair advantage.
If Peyton Manning doesn't even know why he is in this game, can we really expect him to win?
(Paid for by the non-existent band, Spinning Logic)
** NEW Free CheeZeburgerZ EVERY DAY! **
Every day, I stand by the road waving and people throw rotten tomatoes at me. Yes, my loving supporters want to make sure I eat right so that I will keep making predictions like McGovern over Nixon, and these…
** NEW Free CheeZeburgerZ EVERY DAY! **
BENGALS AT RAVENS - 'Tis the season of the hanging Chad - yes, Chad Johnson carries gallows with him into the end zone, which explains what happens to Ray Lewis this week. After that, Carson Palmer is treated like Michael Dukakis after the tank ride. Ravens 24, Bengals 7
PACKERS AT BILLS - This week, Packers wide receiver Donald Driver uttered the old slogan "the Pack is back," which was most famous when the Pack wasn't back. What's next - a John Kerry pep talk? Bills 23, Packers 17
DOLPHINS AT BEARS - Nick Saban discovers what it is like to be a hardware store owner trying to take on the Chicago machine. Bears 40, Dolphins 20
BYE AT CARDINALS - Dennis Green runs an attack ad on himself because he says it's a good strategy to make some quick money but it doesn't work because he asks Edgerrin James 36 times to deliver it to the TV station 100 yards away. It barely gets halfway there.
FALCONS AT LIONS - Like all successful candidates, Michael Vick has finally quit listening to his handlers. Falcons 27, Lions 21
TITANS AT JAGUARS - Deciding who your quarterback is on game day, like the Jaguars apparently plan to do, is like running a primary an hour before the general election. Titans 20, Jaguars 19
TEXANS AT GIANTS - David Carr's game plan was written by Walter Mondale. Giants 38, Texans 12
BYE AT PANTHERS - Al Gore gives a speech on how to finish off opponents.
CHIEFS AT RAMS - Damon Huard continues his Harry Truman act. And considering how other, less successful quarterbacks are paid, it's fair to say that only about a buck stops with him. Chiefs 31, Rams 21
SAINTS AT BUCCANEERS - When Bush runs, Bush wins. According to the Supreme Court, it's in the Constitution. Saints 21, Buccaneers 20
COWBOYS AT REDSKINS - The approval rating in Washington is nearing all-time lows. Cowboys 42, Redskins 13
BYE AT JETS - While running for Senate, Hillary Clinton stops by and runs for 100 yards on the Jets.
VIKINGS AT 49ERS - When Gore runs, he loses. According to the Supreme Court… Vikings 29, 49ers 10
BRONCOS AT STEELERS - Only John Kerry's career has vanished faster than Ben Roethlisberger's. And now each is a botched joke. Broncos 23, Steelers 16
BROWNS AT CHARGERS - Although the Cleveland Browns are given about the same respect on the national stage as their congressman, Dennis Kucinich, the crazy congressman is correct more often than his critics, and therefore - follow the spin - this crazy prognosticator says the Browns, no joke, will win. If Shawne Merriman wasn't off campaigning for Tom DeLay, it might be a different story. Frye to Winslow - it's a winning slogan. Browns 29, Chargers 24
BYE AT EAGLES - Maybe new Eagles cornerback Will Peterson has a future career as a politician on the lam because he announced he will no longer be known as Will Peterson. He changed his name to William James - although, on second thought, politicians are often more like Jesse James.
COLTS AT PATRIOTS - Peyton Manning discovers what it is like to be Mark Foley's campaign manager - attacked from everywhere with zero support. For old time's sake, Adam Vinatieri kicks a field goal in the fourth quarter. Patriots 40, Colts 10
RAIDERS AT SEAHAWKS - Two weeks ago, Art Shell was way behind in the polls. And then John Kerry made his speech. Raiders 23, Seahawks 17
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AD #5: This is a positive campaign that refuses to run negative ads. That's why we are positive that Peyton Manning will be a negative force in this game.
(Paid for the Democratic and Republican National Committees)
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This column is sponsored by Democracy on the March.
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