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2007 NFL PICKS: WEEK 10
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WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of Week 10 NFL Predictions from Pakistan)
"My brain hurt like a warehouse, it had no room to spare"
- David Bowie
Coach Musharraf is angry.
That's what he has asked us to call him now. It softens the whole military political thing he has going. The crackdown? Ah, he's just being our country's Vince Lombardi. You know, he treats us all the same, like dogs.
Welcome to Pakistan, a country much like America except our melting pot includes Al Quaida, jailed lawyers and a dictator who once traded jokes with Jon Stewart. Ha! Pause. Ha! Pause. Ha!
Speaking of bad, conditions here are as good as the Redskins playing against the Patriots. There is a crackdown and no letup. Coach Musharraf loves us fiercely.
But I think perhaps he is trying to protect us too much with all this censorship. To show you what absurd lengths the dictator has gone to, he wants us to believe that there is a team in the modern NFL that can go undefeated. All I know is if Pervez Musharraf says it, put an asterisk next to it.
By the way, before you ask again… this is Pakistan, not a 7-ll.
Still, you can find sodas and chips in the back, next to the nuclear weapons. Would you like a Slimjim?
Or do you just want to know how Coach Musharraf decided whatzgonnahappen?
BRONCOS AT CHIEFS - Much like Barack Obama wearing a Barack Obama mask on Saturday Night Live, Jay Cutler and Larry Johnson wear their respective masks to the game so no one knows even after the game whether they played or not. Chiefs 21, Broncos 14
FALCONS AT PANTHERS - A plumber fixing the toilets is brought into quarterback the Panthers and he outplays Joey Harrington. Panthers 17, Falcons 6
BILLS AT DOLPHINS - For some reason I am back on the J.P. Losman bandwagon, which despite missing a wheel, goes about 90 mph through Miami. Meanwhile, Cleo Lemon lives up to his last name. Bills 31, Dolphins 10
BYE AT TEXANS - They are building a statue of Sage Rosenfels in Houston. The statue is made of birdseed. It will be gone by next week.
EAGLES AT REDSKINS - Donovan McNabb sneaks down Andy Reid's basement and then plays the game of his life. Eagles 38, Redskins 20
BROWNS AT STEELERS - Once upon a time, this rivalry was Ali versus Frazier twice a year. And then for about a decade, it turned into Tyson versus Spinks. I get the feeling Derek Anderson is about to throw some Ali float-like-a-butterfly-and-sting-like-a-bee into it. The Browns strike quick. The Steelers counterpunch. The game lives up to the hype. There should be hype. Browns 41, Steelers 39
JAGUARS AT TITANS - When Vince Young gets some legitimate receivers throw to, the league better watch out. Until then, he'll just have to win ugly. Titans 13, Jaguars 10
BYE AT PATRIOTS - Has anyone else noticed that in the span of about six years the Patriots image has transformed from a model organization that does everything to right into an evil organization that does everything wrong? And what have you done in the last six years?
VIKINGS AT PACKERS - The most dynamic young running back in the league against the most dynamic old quarterback ever. Go with the old guy. Packers 27, Vikings 13
RAMS AT SAINTS - Call this my brain burp of the week. I smell upset. Or maybe pastrami. Rams 23, Saints 20
BENGALS AT RAVENS - Baltimore's offense against Cincinnati's defense reminds me of the Monty Python skit "International Philosophy" in which two teams of philosophers play soccer but no one kicks the ball. Meanwhile, Ray Lewis the football philosopher thinks himself into coma. Bengals 27, Ravens 19
BYE AT JETS - Film critic Eric Magnini continues his work on the long-running movie review show, "Ebert & Mangini."
COWBOYS AT GIANTS - The Cowboys recognize the uniforms across from them but that's all that seems to be similar from the first time these two teams played. Giants 23, Cowboys 17
BEARS AT RAIDERS - This is the allegedly best-chance-to-win bowl because Josh McCown allegedly gives the Raiders the best chance to win while Brian Griese allegedly does to. Bears 20, Raiders 17
LIONS AT CARDINALS - Until the Detroit Lions realize they are wearing Detroit Lions uniforms, this winning could continue. Lions 25, Cardinals 17
BYE AT BUCCANEERS - On his day off, Jeff Garcia goes for a drive. But he doesn't finish it.
COLTS AT CHARGERS - Philip Rivers is not going to be able to do a Tom Brady on the Colts. Colts 33, Chargers 19
49ERS AT SEAHAWKS - This is Monday Night Football? All my rowdy friends are crashing early tonight. Seahawks 26, 49ers 12
Last week was Super Bowl 41-1/2, and World War III has already been advertised.
This week the Browns play the Steelers. So I simply refer to the game as World War Super Here-We-Go-Again Death Match Bowl - A.K.A. the greatest rivalry in sports.
This column is sponsored by Pat Robertson and Rudy Guiliani at a Marilyn Manson concert.
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