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NFL PICKS: WEEK 10
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WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of The Speaker of Big Ben's Doubts)
"Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide; No escape from reality."
- Queen
Hi Big Ben, I am the first female speaker of your doubts. You can call me Nancy.
Someday you will be married and this will feel normal but for now, I don't care if you are the Super Bowl quarterback - I've got capital and I plan to use it. Okay, Big Ben? By the way, what grown man goes by a nickname?
And quit asking about Dennis Hastert, who seemed afraid to speak. I'm the speaker now and I don't like those drapes. They should be blue, not black and gold.
And another thing - this season has no direction. You are like one of those emperors without clothes except that you wear clothes - did I tell you I like blue?
Yes, I know your alleged brain hurts but you've got to quit misleading the team and leading the team to losses is misleading them, no?
So I hope you get the message by my arrival. Don't change the subject; change the course. You've been oblivious and in denial. 'Throw another interception' is not a strategy.
Now if you'll excuse me I have to go to Houston because I'm finally willing to admit you were right when you accused me of wanting to raise Texas.
** Free CheeZeburgerZ EVERY DAY! **
This week, just to show you that I care and that I hear your concerns, I brought my Antarctica coin that I usually flip (penguins or polar bears) to a pawnshop. And I used that coin to buy a realistic-looking plastic crystal ball, which I am now using to predict football games. I see living people…
** Free CheeZeburgerZ EVERY DAY! **
BROWNS AT FALCONS - An early quarterback sneak turns into a 99-yard run and Charlie Frye then becomes too tired to run around until he is sacked, like he does sometimes. Instead, he throws for 350 yards and two touchdowns and is named offensive player of the week. Later, Kamerion Wimbley gets Michael Vick for a safety because a jealous Vick is determined to run for 100 yards. Browns 23, Falcons 21
CHARGERS AT BENGALS - After T.J. Houshmandzadeh is finished showing his helmet to the Chargers and Chris Henry sits in the stands to watch the game, LaDainian Tomlinson should be (but won't be) able to run for a million yards on the Bengals defense. Marvin Lewis won't tolerate this re-emerging Bungles act. This week, at least, David Shula's Bengals stay home. Bengals 24, Chargers 20
49ERS AT LIONS - It may not be the greatest show on turf yet, but Mike Martz has brought the fun back to Detroit. Meanwhile the 49ers forget to bring a defense to Detroit. Lions 37, 49ers 17
BILLS AT COLTS - I want the Colts to lose. You want the Colts to lose. Most likely the Buffalo Bills want the Colts to lose. The problem is that the Bills act like the rest of us - an audience in awe. Colts 41, Bills 20
TEXANS AT JAGUARS - The Texans have lost 12 straight games on the road. Who drives the bus to these games - Willie Nelson? Jaguars 30, Texans 16
CHIEFS AT DOLPHINS - Nick Saban is like Stuart Smalley, wearing an aqua green cardigan and saying into a mirror: "I coached with Belichick, I talked to Belichick, and doggone it, people compare me to Belichick." Hey, it worked last week. Dolphins 28, Chiefs 21
PACKERS AT VIKINGS - The Minnesota Vikings nervous breakdown continues while the Packers enter the depressive cycle in their manic depressive existence. Vikings 28, Packers 15
JETS AT PATRIOTS - Jets linebacker Matt Chatham is pep talking his team about how easy it is to beat the Patriots after they lose. "They're always scary after a loss," he recently said, in an honest yet peppy way. Patriots 43, Jets 23
REDSKINS AT EAGLES - Which team shows up? I mean in either uniform. This is my guess. Eagles 31, Redskins 7
RAVENS AT TITANS - Every week I pick Vince Young to win and usually he doesn't. So this week Ray Lewis chokes while eating too many of Tony Siragusa's ribs instead of trying real Tennessee ribs. I could be right. Titans 22, Ravens 11
BRONCOS AT RAIDERS - More Randy Moss jerseys sell than Javon Walker jerseys because that's how it works in America. Broncos 26, Raiders 3
SAINTS AT STEELERS - The Saints finally decide that they drafted Reggie Bush for more than jersey sales. Meanwhile, I'd like to start the rumor that Terrible Towels cause scurvy. Saints 20, Steelers 16
COWBOYS AT CARDINALS - Somewhere in the middle of Bill Parcells and Dennis Green scowling contest is a very frightened donut. Cowboys 27, Cardinals 20
RAMS AT SEAHAWKS - The Rams, as usual, don't bring their defense but they don't need it this week. Rams 38, Seahawks 28
BEARS AT GIANTS - The Bears want to act like politicians taking advantage of a flex schedule. But their behavior this season, although appearing successful, is very suspicious. Plus that message won't play in New York, where flex scheduling was invented. Giants 34, Bears 21
BUCCANEERS AT PANTHERS - Bad year for Cadillacs, and all ranchers. Panthers 20, Buccaneers 10
** Free CheeZeburgerZ EVERY DAY! **
As the speaker of someone's doubts about the next two years, I worry already that the duck is lame and yet I kind of think that is good.
Like America, I disagree with myself.
** Free CheeZeburgerZ EVERY DAY! **
This column is sponsored by the best kind of government - divided government.
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