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2007 NFL PICKS: WEEK 11
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WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of Idiot Endorsements of Week 11 NFL Picks)
"Let's get retarded in here"
- Black Eyed Peas
Although you are here for NFL picks from a chromosome-shortchanged prognosticator (that's me!), first allow me, as a representative of the largest ethnic group in the country, to share my struggles to endorse a presidential candidate.
As you can see by the book to the right, I am an idiot. But I am not just any idiot. I am the president of the politically active ethnic group "Idiot-Americans for Just Us." We are obviously the largest ethnic group in the country.
There is at least one of us in every family, an entire family living on almost every street, and seemingly entire neighborhoods in almost every town and city. We are very well represented in Congress and the President is coming to my house for Thanksgiving. Obviously.
But now I am being pressured to make an endorsement because endorsements are everywhere. Pat Robertson endorsed Rudy Guiliani and ET endorsed Dennis Kucinich. ET has a kinder soul and a better grasp of foreign policy, but Pat's got a bigger checkbook and a phone so that helps more.
Speaking of checkbook, Oprah endorsed Obama - I think it's because they both have a name beginning with "O." They are both O-Americans. Meanwhile, Tom Vilsack endorsed Hillary Clinton, and I always say you can't underestimate the power of a Vilsack endorsement.
Joe Biden has the endorsement of a bunch of Iowa state legislators, but how could they know more about government than Oprah? Still, even Oprah cannot influence as many people as I can. My tribe - and we come in all shapes, sizes and colors (although a disproportionate number seem to be Steelers fans) - is not prone to deep thought like Oprah's touchy-feely followers.
We are actually stupid and shallow. And that's why I endorse finding out whatzgonnahappen.
GIANTS AT LIONS - Last week, the Lions proved global warming with a complete meltdown. But indoors, they are just cool. The Giants offer big play opportunities and the Lions graciously accept. Lions 24, Giants 14
BUCCANEERS AT FALCONS - During the Buccaneers bye week, without even playing, the team advanced on everyone because almost all the major competition in the division and for wild card position lost. Playing the Falcons is almost as easy. Buccaneers 23 Falcons 10
CHARGERS AT JAGUARS - Sure, I'd buy shoes from Norv Turner. Jaguars 20, Chargers 10
PANTHERS AT PACKERS - This week, Brett Favre breaks the NFL record for most NFL records broken in one week. The other quarterback, David Vincent Carr-Testaverde, just breaks Steve Smith's heart. Packers 36, Panthers 17
DOLPHINS AT EAGLES - This is a humor column and it is going to be hilarious when the Dolphins beat the Eagles at home. Ha- Ha- Happy Holidays! Dolphins 20, Eagles 17
BROWNS AT RAVENS - Golly, why can't the Ravens ever find a quarterback on their roster like Derek Anderson? That's right, it's Showtime in Baltimore but when a theater person tells Ray Lewis to "break a leg," he boasts, "I can break everything," and then does. Browns 36, Ravens 12
RAIDERS AT VIKINGS - If I'm Lane Kiffin, I at least put JaMarcus Russell in at running back. Vikings 21, Raiders 16
CARDINALS AT BENGALS - At halftime, owners Mike Brown and Bill Bidwill engage in a feisty shuffleboard game. The football game: almost as feisty. Bengals 19, Cardinals 16
CHIEFS AT COLTS - Even an idiot knows it's not a good week to be the Chiefs. Colts 100, Chiefs 6
SAINTS AT TEXANS - Last week, the Saints were reminded by the Rams that they are not very good. This week, the Texans get reminded by the Saints that they are not very good. Big wheel keeps on turning. Saints 24, Texans 20
STEELERS AT JETS - If you are the Jets quarterback, you are automatically nicknamed "Broadway." This week, Broadway Kellen gets replaced in the third quarter by Broadway Chad. Steelers 40, Jets 13
RAMS AT 49ERS - Why? Why are the Rams at the 49ers? Why are there even Rams and 49ers? Rams 22, 49ers 21
BEARS AT SEAHAWKS - Ohmygosh, dreams do come true. Rex Grossman can get his starting job back and lead the Bears all the way to the Super Bowl championship. Right? Well, actually I meant that it is true that people sometime have dreams. Seahawks 23, Bears 17
REDSKINS AT COWBOYS - Do you remember back when Joe Gibbs was coaching the Redskins and this was a great rivalry? Cowboys 33, Redskins 19
PATRIOTS AT BILLS - This week, Bill Belichick pleads guilty to being a computer spammer, costing him a second-round draft pick. After saying he is sorry, he sends everyone in the world an email offer for a job transferring money from Albania. Patriots 38, Bills 7
TITANS AT BRONCOS - The Titans wishbone offense is back in full swing. Titans 30, Broncos 20
This column is sponsored by Cold People In Favor Of Global Warming.
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