|
NFL PICKS: WEEK 11
|
|
WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of Golf Tips from O.J.)
"Holy Moses I have been deceived; Holy Moses let us live in peace; Let us strive to find a way to make all hatred cease"
- Elton John
It is dawn and foggy on rivalry weekend and my ride, a 1994 white Ford Bronco, waits in my driveway. I turn off the Elton John music - "Funeral For a Friend" - and say a quick fervent prayer towards Jerusalem, Columbus and Cleveland, and away from Pittsburgh, Ann Arbor and Hell.
I have a keen sense of direction. "The golf course is that way," I say to the driver.
I am allegedly and currently the newest detective hired by the former number one suspect in some old case that I never heard of before. At the course where we are actively chasing suspects, Mr. Simpson sinks a putt and says, "I'm not saying that I just sunk that putt but if I did, here's how it happened." It was excruciating but I listened.
That's when I figured it out: hate is the new love.
"Everyone hates me," he said, "but they love to hate me." He quickly tried to sell me his new book but I wouldn't buy it. Instead, I bought "For Whom The Bell Tolls" in paperback, but then Mr. Simpson used it to light a cigar.
And the great news about hate just gets better. Hate is gaining momentum and now even Sir Elton John is helping.
The madman across the water recently said, "I would ban religion completely. The reality is that organized religion doesn't seem to work. It turns people into hateful lemmings and it's not really compassionate."
He's mostly right, but saying so just makes it worse. My religion is my favorite football team, the Cleveland Browns, who play their rival this weekend and, like a hateful lemming, I'd like to say that I don't feel so compassionate towards the Pittsburgh Steelers. And saying that helps me a lot.
See, all you need is hate. Hate is great and you can be prejudiced against Elton John because that weirdo thinks a football is round. There's no other reason needed.
The Muslims, the Christians, and the Jews all hate each other but not as much as they hate Elton John in Jerusalem, proving that Elton is a uniter not a divider - just like Borat and George W. Bush. If hate can unite bitter enemies, can't it unite all of us?
I hate the Pittsburgh Steelers and you can too. It's my hate and I am sticking with it forever and for generations. And either you are with me or against me.
Amen. I mean, fore!
** Free CheeZeburgerZ Every Day **
I don't know.
Really, I don't have a clue what's going to happen this weekend. I never do. That's why they play the games. But theoretically, and speaking by efficiently using the oxygen from inside a vacuum, all this stuff could happen…
Early Bonus Pick: Ohio State 32, Michigan 13
** Free CheeZeburgerZ Every Day **
FALCONS AT RAVENS - Ray Lewis is deactivated with a back injury. Therefore the good Michael Vick wakes from his slumber and enters the telephone booth. Meanwhile Lewis, trying to be stylish on the sidelines, wears a noose necktie that he was given as a gift and somehow it gets caught in that overhead camera contraption. Footage at 11. Falcons 30, Ravens 17
RAMS AT PANTHERS - Steve Smith cooks lasagna featuring little pieces of spinach. The Rams are distracted. Panthers 29, Rams 21
STEELERS AT BROWNS - The skies part and a thunderous voice proclaims what NFL fans have been wondering about forever, "I root for the Cleveland Browns. My favorite football player is Charlie Frye." I guess that ends any possibility of a quarterback controversy, eh? Browns 82, Steelers 0
PATRIOTS AT PACKERS - After a heated pre-game shuffleboard game between Vinnie Testaverde and Brett Favre, Donald Driver signs up for the fan club of the Patriot's secondary because he gets extra miles. Packers 28, Patriots 14
BILLS AT TEXANS - Bills quarterback J.P. Losman, who threw 12 passes last week, tells his mom he doesn't want training wheels anymore. Texans 10, Bills 9
RAIDERS AT CHIEFS - Trent Green is back for the Chiefs while Andrew Walter claims to be channeling Vince Lombardi and Randy Moss is just chilling this season with his mind on his money and his money on his mind. Chiefs 20, Raiders DNP
VIKINGS AT DOLPHINS - Minnesota has lost three in a row and Miami has now won two in a row and if teams want to make predicting this easy, I have no choice but to agree with them. Dolphins 16, Vikings 13
BENGALS AT SAINTS - In the fourth quarter, the San Diego Chargers drop by and score a few touchdowns on the Bengals. Then Philip Rivers high-fives old pal Drew Brees, and Brees picks up where Rivers left off. Kind of like in San Diego, only backwards. Sort of. Saints 39, Bengals 30
BEARS AT JETS - Last week I said the Bears would come to New York and lose but I meant this week. If you put enough teams in a city, one of them is bound to win. Jets 23, Bears 17
TITANS AT EAGLES - As your official Vince Young apologist, I apologize for nothing - and no, I am not channeling John Kerry. It's impossible - he has no soul. Titans 14, Eagles 13
REDSKINS AT BUCCANEERS - Bob Dylan once warned about switching horses in midstream, but Joe Gibbs did it in mid-lake. Buccaneers 13, Redskins 12
LIONS AT CARDINALS - Edgerrin James doesn't figure in the game at all until he inflates his stats in the fourth quarter, and it makes no sense to me either but this really is my prediction: Cardinals 37, Lions 10
SEAHAWKS AT 49ERS - San Francisco has given up a league high 251 points, but they have only given up 16 in the last two weeks. Yes, that was a nice diversion to play the Lions and Vikings. Seahawks 39, 49ers 24
COLTS AT COWBOYS - Bill Parcells, taking advantage of his new quarterback's social connections, puts Jessica Simpson in at safety. She wears a bikini and does jumping jacks. Peyton Manning throws nine interceptions. Cowboys 19, Colts 14
CHARGERS AT BRONCOS - The Chargers get off the bus and give up another touchdown to the Bengals. But eventually they recover and L.T. again just does his thing while Philip Rivers is Marty Schottenheimer's updated Bernie Kosar. Chargers 27, Broncos 24
GIANTS AT JAGUARS - The Giants defense spends as much time studying the various brands of crutches available as it does studying for this game. Jaguars 21, Giants 14
** Free CheeZeburgerZ Every Day **
Woody Hayes. I'm just saying...
No other rivalry is bigger. I have lived in New England for more than two decades and Red Sox/Yankees is legendary, but it's not Ohio State/Michigan. No series between two teams is bigger. And like the saying goes, you can take the boy out of Ohio but part of Ohio always stays with me. Ohio State wasn't even my college but it was my college football team. It was everybody's.
Heck, the Buckeyes marching band is more popular than some sports teams in Ohio right now. Isn't that right, Paul Dolan?
** Free CheeZeburgerZ Every Day **
This column is sponsored by Rex Kern, who beat Michigan and O.J. Simpson.
|
