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2007 NFL PICKS: WEEK 12
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WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of Not-So-Much PETA's Thanksgiving Week 12 NFL Picks)
"You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant"
- Arlo Guthrie
BUMPER STICKER:
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?"
This morning while hunting turkey from my leather chair I ate three lamb chops and watched some pigskin previews when my phone, hanging off deer antlers, rang. I walked across my bearskin rug to answer it. It was one of those PETA fundraisers so I promised to mail them some cheeseburgers. They gave thanks.
See, you can please all of the people all of the time. (Except Dolphins fans.)
So Happy Thanksgiving, especially to the turkeys. But which one of you allowed John Madden to have your six-legged child? Who put you up to this? Geneticists? Theologians? Alice from the restaurant? Al Michaels?
As for that freaky John Madden turkey, the Mitchell Report is expected to reveal the turkey has been using TGH (turkey growth hormones - they exist) and if you swallow this (ahead of time - everyone repeat after me… "You believe the Mitchell Report?"), you'll probably believe that you can have a happy Thanksgiving just by discovering whatzgonnahappen.
Pass it on.
PACKERS AT LIONS - This is the that's-why-they-play-the-games-on-the-field-and-not-on-paper bowl. On paper before the season, neither of these teams was going anywhere. See, that's why this column's not on paper! On TV and in Detroit, the Lions regain the old Thanksgiving magic. Lions 30, Packers 24
JETS AT COWBOYS - The turkey at my house has a better chance than the Jets. Cowboys 42, Jets 12
COLTS AT FALCONS - Peyton Manning and the Colts are thankful that the NFL includes the Falcons. Colts 41, Falcons 13
RAIDERS AT CHIEFS - Turkey day? That's every Sunday for the Raiders. Chiefs 17, Raiders 10
SAINTS AT PANTHERS - Is today's lesson that you can't go anywhere with David Carr as your backup and Vinny Testaverde as his? Or is it that the Saints are the Aints again? I ain't kidding. Saints 21, Panthers 20
TEXANS AT BROWNS - Phil Dawson, a.k.a. the Pinball Wizard, this week shows off his triple-bounce field goal. Meanwhile, faced with a crucial "would you like fries with that", Romeo "The Decider" Crennel flips a coin and then burns three timeouts trying to decide whether he wants heads or tails. Braylon Edwards or Jamal Lewis scores four touchdowns. Browns 31, Texans 28
SEAHAWKS AT RAMS - The Rams are in that bad-going-towards-mediocre territory that ruins the lives of draftniks.
Rams 24, Seahawks 21
VIKINGS AT GIANTS - The Tom Coughlin meltdown I've been waiting for begins late because of the writer's strike. Vikings 14, Giants 9
BILLS AT JAGUARS - The Bills, who just played the Patriots, suffer from PTSD - Patriots Traumatic Scorching Disorder. Jaguars 28, Bills 12
TITANS AT BENGALS - This is how the universe has found order: Vince Young wins ugly again, and the Bungals are Bungals again. Titans 19, Bengals 10
REDSKINS AT BUCCANEERS - Joe Gibbs is getting real excited about NASCAR again. Buccaneers 27, Redskins 10
49ERS AT CARDINALS - Alex Smith wears a Joe Montana jersey to the mall because he wouldn't be caught dead wearing an Alex Smith jersey. That would be embarrassing. Cardinal 21, 49ers 10
RAVENS AT CHARGERS - Ray Lewis and a turkey enter a room together. In that room is a knife. Later, a turkey emerges from the room. Stay tuned for "CSI, The Kitchen". Chargers 26, Ravens 21
BRONCOS AT BEARS - It's the time of year when the Windy City begins to live up to its moniker. Speaking of names, no one is calling the Bears the Monsters of the Midway anymore, but this week it doesn't matter. The Broncos are due for a letdown. Bears 21, Broncos 20
EAGLES AT PATRIOTS - The United Nations is starting to pass resolutions about all the weapons of the New England Patriots. Meanwhile Bill Belichick steals gum, costing him a 7th round pick. Patriots 50, Eagles 10
DOLPHINS AT STEELERS - "Blitzgurgh?" asks John Beck before the game. "Why do they call it that?" Steelers 32, Dolphins 6
On a serious note, thank you for reading.
Yes, I am talking to you - my one reader. Since there's only the two of us here, let me suggest you check out my NASCAR book and my other website.
My NASCAR book is available now.
Freecheezeburgerz.com is too. It's just like this site, only different.
Anyway, let me reiterate - thanks. And please help spread the word.
But first, go eat.
This column is sponsored by gravy.
FREECHEEZEBURGERZ FOR MONEY
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