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NFL PICKS: WEEK 12
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WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of Teheran Ham)
"Just a' urchin livin' under the street; I'm a hard case that's tough to beat; I'm your charity case so buy me something to eat; I'll pay you at another time; Take it to the end of the line"
- Guns N' Roses
This week, Iraqi President Jalal Talabani visits Iranian President Mahmud Ahmadinejad for a summit to celebrate American Thanksgiving and watch the NFL…
MAHMUD: Welcome to Iran where we root for the Pittsburgh Steelers on NPHDTV, plus let me say happy Thanksgiving and offer you ham. It's wrapped in bacon.
JALAL: Ham wrapped in bacon is my favorite! Before the pilgrims arrived with shock and awe, my mother always made ham on Thanksgiving. She feared killing the family turkey, Saddam. We Iraqis root for three teams - the Cardinals, Raiders and Lions, but what is NPHDTV? Is that better than our black and white and red-all-over-Iraq TV?
MAHMUD: Nuclear-powered-high-definition television. We drive the transmitters around in concealed ice cream trucks. No one knows about it except Dick Cheney. And the NFL Network looks great on it except when Deion Sanders is on. He scares the bejesus out of me - and the beallah too.
JALAL: It's the clothes. He pimps it up and sets a bad example for the youth. He should wear fatigues like my favorite band, The Clash. Youth is wasted on the young, same as war.
MAHMUD: I disagree because I am young at heart. Gosh, talk of pilgrims makes me nostalgic for the 444-day party we once had. Oh, the laughs. But forget that. I think Deion is smooth. Steve Mariucci is the one who drives me crazy. Mooch is pompous, a coach without a job like that Bush fellow - a President without a country behind him.
JALAL: It is sad. I am glad I have all of Iraq behind me. Speaking of behind, I expect the Lions to lose today. I bet my goat and bulletproof vest on the Dolphins.
MAHMUD: I thought you root for the Lions.
JALAL: That schmuck, Matt Millen, ruined the Lions. Besides, I am a Cardinals fan. I have hated the Lions for generations.
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I have a pet turkey. His name is Fluffy, he's cute as a puppy plus he once rescued a little girl from a well.
Enjoy your meal!
Anyway, Fluffy picked these games so this should be my best week yet because if he's wrong…
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DOLPHINS AT LIONS - For years, the law was that the Lions win on Thanksgiving. It was in the U.S. Constitution. But that was before Matt Millen rewrote the document to include the phrase "the pursuit of misery" so this year Lions fans' worst nightmare will come true - Joey Harrington will come in wearing another uniform and for a day he will look like a star. Dolphins 24, Lions 20
BUCCANEERS AT COWBOYS - All non-Cowboys fans will understand my worry that if the Cowboys keep winning we're all going to smell that America's Team crap again. For that reason alone I am rooting for the Buccaneers. They're not America's team! Just ask America. Cowboys 30, Buccaneers 14
BRONCOS AT CHIEFS - Lamar Hunt, owner of the Kansas City Chiefs, has always wanted to host a Thanksgiving game and now this game is on the NFL Network, which means it is sort of like the tree falling in the forest with no one around. Chiefs 21, Broncos 20
SAINTS AT FALCONS - Every week lately Drew Brees throws for one million yards and the Saints lose. Against the Falcons secondary, he throws for two million and wins. Saints 28, Falcons 21.
STEELERS AT RAVENS - Joey Porter's dog thinks Ray Lewis is a horse and eats him for Thanksgiving - and thanks is then given. And then the Ravens do the same to the Steelers. Ravens 21, Steelers 17
JAGUARS AT BILLS - For the rest of his career, Lee Evans only runs one pattern hoping to duplicate the best day of his career. Each week it gets sadder - except this week when it works again! Bills 24, Jaguars 19
BENGALS AT BROWNS - The Bengals defense has been holding weekly seminars for NFL offenses on how to score points. This week, Charlie Frye has signed up for a much-needed tutorial. Expect it to work. Browns 38, Bengals 31.
CARDINALS AT VIKINGS - This game serves as Tryptophan for insomniac hobos near a TV store. Vikings 22, Cardinals 16
TEXANS AT JETS - It's Thanksgiving for Chad Pennington seeing the Texans defense after last week's shutout loss to Chicago. Jets 20, Texans 14
49ERS AT RAMS - Frank Gore makes the Rams face an inconvenient truth - the Rams stink. 49ers 25, Rams 20
PANTHERS AT REDSKINS - With a brand new quarterback and a backup running back, Joe Gibbs brings his team into this game with nothing to lose and somehow, just because he is Joe Gibbs, they don't lose. Redskins 16, Panthers 12
RAIDERS AT CHARGERS - For a frame of reference, watch a film of yourself carving the turkey. Chargers 49, Raiders 3
BEARS AT PATRIOTS - Which of the four teams in this game - good Bears/bad Bears and good Patriots/bad Patriots - will show up? I trust Tom Brady more than Rex Grossman. Patriots 21, Bears 16
GIANTS AT TITANS - I am the only person in the world who would rather have Vince Young than Eli Manning as my quarterback but soon at least one other crazy person will agree with me. Titans 16, Giants 13
EAGLES AT COLTS - Now that the Colts have the loss out of the way, it's time to show they are serious, and what better way than against the Eagles and their journeyman quarterback Jeff Garcia - who was last good about a half dozen teams ago. Colts 38, Eagles 17
PACKERS AT SEAHAWKS - Inspired by seeing Mike Holmgren on the sideline, Brett Favre has an any-given-Sunday kind of Monday night game that made him famous. Packers 28, Seahawks 27
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This column is sponsored by memories of childhood failures - fueled by alcohol.
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