|
2007 NFL PICKS: WEEK 13
|
|
WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of Pay-Per-Word NFL Network Week 13 NFL Picks)
"But this wall is not real/How can it be real/It's only made of concrete and barbed wire"
- Lucinda Williams
Let's get ready to fumble! It's time for the Pay-Per-View Main Event - Cowboys Versus Packers!
Hurry! If you order now, we'll throw in steak knives at some extra cost!
Ladies and Gentleman, in this corner wearing green and gold is a 10-1 football team that is so good you can only imagine. And in this other corner, wearing silver and blue, is another 10-1 unfathomable group of gridiron specialists who you are not going to see unless you pay to view. See how that works! Only in America! And only on Pay-Per-View!
That's right, you can be proud that capitalism is working by knowing that if a tree falls in a forest and you didn't pay to hear it, it didn't fall. And if a sports league and a cable company can't get along, who loses? The fans! Are you complaining? Did you pay to complain?
If you pay now, you will get to see this game, which is spectacular, extracurricular, beyond peculiar, and not for you if you are just regular! And I must add that I like to use exclamation points! (My pillow talk is like this too!)
You need to pay for this game now! And not only will you pay but you will be happy to do so because this is the deal of the century, ladies and gentleman. In ten years, we'll be charging per first down if not by the minute.
Until then, pay and you'll find out whatzgonnahappen.
PACKERS AT COWBOYS - When the young gunslinger fights the old gunslinger in the movies, the old gunslinger always wins. That's probably the plot in the playoffs too, but not on imaginary TV from Dallas. Cowboys 27, Packers 24
CHARGERS AT CHIEFS - More regression therapy for Philip Rivers while Kolby Smith is so amazed that he asks himself for an autograph. Chiefs 21, Chargers 17
49ERS AT PANTHERS - David Carr talks to a therapist about his fear of the end zone. The therapist sacks him. 49ers 14, Panthers 6
JETS AT DOLPHINS - When our current civilization is examined in the future by the smart robots, cloned historians will point to fans at this game as the people who symbolized the beginning of the end. The Dolphins, meanwhile, remain perfect. Jets 2, Dolphins 0
FALCONS AT RAMS - The Rams are in an indulgent pursuit of mediocrity. The Falcons are not. Rams 30, Falcons 10
BILLS AT REDSKINS - The ultimate it's-only-a-game game. Sean Taylor R.I.P. What words make sense? "They're killing us." "We were robbed." No. Redskins 10, Bills 7
TEXANS AT TITANS - Vince Young and Mario Williams meet before the game and switch uniforms. Mario throws 3 touchdowns but he is sacked twice by Vince. So that's what would have happened if the other team had drafted them. Titans 27, Texans 21
SEAHAWKS AT EAGLES - That Eagles team that played the Patriots last week? No where to be seen. Seahawks, 30, Eagles 7
LIONS AT VIKINGS - Scientists are better versed on UFOs than football analysts are on either of these teams. I can only guess. (That's all I ever do, shhh…) Vikings 23, Lions 19
JAGUARS AT COLTS - Peyton Manning sells stuff to the Jaguars defense. And then he does it again. The dude gets a lot of commercials. Colts 40, Jaguars 20
BRONCOS AT RAIDERS - Al Davis and Mike Shanahan wrestle Sumo style at halftime. Raiders 6, Broncos 3
BROWNS AT CARDINALS - Smart money calls for a Cardinals' win but no one has yet accused me of having smart money… or even having money. (BUY MY NASCAR BOOK, save a life…) The scoreboard operator gets a raise. Derek Anderson has a career game in an already impressive young career. Browns 42, Cardinals 30
BUCCANEERS AT SAINTS - The Saints are back! Ohmygosh, you fell for that again! Buccaneers 21, Saints 7
GIANTS AT BEARS - Eli… did you know you have a twin? Meet Rex. (All 13 touchdowns in this game are scored on interceptions) Bears 49, Giants 42
BENGALS AT STEELERS - Chad Johnson is penalized 100 yards for excessive celebration. The Bengals will take that every time. Impatient fans chant "When Ben?" It makes me laugh. Bengals 38, Steelers 17
PATRIOTS AT RAVENS - Ray Lewis, who once upon a time was a pissed-off bully, meets a team full of them. In a touching politically correct gesture to short life of Sean Taylor, this week Ray only gets the crap kicked out of him. Look out for flying Ray crap! Patriots 70, Ravens 10
This column is sponsored by an alternate "Al Gore won" universe, and penguins.
FREECHEEZEBURGERZ FOR MONEY
My Store
|
