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NFL PICKS: WEEK 13
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WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of Polonium 210 Infomercials for Browns Fans)
"Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk with you again"
- Simon & Garfunkel
Do you cheer for a bad football team with questionable leadership? That's great!
The first step in cooking like a Cleveland Browns fan (or a Detroit Lions fan - although in that case add a gallon of vinegar to all recipes) is to avoid cutting your wrists while you slice the carcass. A dog, a cigarette and a sadistic girl in army fatigues can help set the mood.
Do you like sushi?
Is your football team caught in a civil war or a quagmire that seems endless and futile? That's great too!
Even if you don't like sushi, I greased my hair back and put on this shiny suit today because I care enough to tell that your problems can be over just as soon as you eat. That's right, I am offering you a new solution and you don't even need sushi. This solution even works with bratwurst or beer. Beer! Can it get any better, Browns fans?
Yes it can!
Today, only from KGB Enterprises, I am pleased to announce from behind this curtain and with my voice disguised to sound not like Vladimir Putin that you can solve problems - but, okay, truthfully not quagmires - in one easy dinner using a fantastic and tasty new spice - Polonium 210. You can even use it when you tailgate!
References on our success rate are available. In fact, I am so happy with the results, I served it recently to an old friend when he visited London, and let's just say he doesn't complain to me any more.
What does this have to do with you, you may ask? Don't you cheer for the Browns? The Cleveland Browns?
** PEACE **
This is not a betting site but gosh, it should be. Last week I went 13-3 and one of my losses was, um, the Cleveland Browns, who I somehow pick every week.
I shouldn't brag about these picks because that's not the point of this fiction, but after last week I think it's time to get a nickname and a 1-900 number and charge big bucks to the type of hopeless gamblers who would spend their last dollar on the lottery.
In lieu of that, please consider donating to this column. Or perhaps help spread the word.
If not, I could use a recipe for how to cook shoes. Seriously, if you like this site, please consider helping.
I'd bet on these picks myself but I already invested my last dollar in the lottery.
** PEACE **
RAVENS AT BENGALS - Carson Palmer heard that the Ravens defense had nine sacks last week so this week when the insurance salesman knocks at the door, he listens. Meanwhile Ray Lewis does some Christmas shopping and is sprayed with toxic perfume by a lady who says, "I'm sorry. Want some more?" At the end, somehow Palmer is protected enough to throw his usual batch of touchdowns. Bengals 27, Ravens 24
CHARGERS AT BILLS - The last thing on Earth that J.P. Losman, who completed 70 percent of his passes in the last two weeks, wants to see is a Shawne Merriman fueled by four weeks of rest and, um, Cheerios. Chargers 24, Bills 10
VIKINGS AT BEARS - Before the game, Bears cornerback Ricky Manning Jr. complains vociferously to a fellow customer at Denny's that he doesn't like the eggs. He makes sure the customer understands how much he didn't like the eggs. Bears 22 Vikings 12
CHIEFS AT BROWNS - The best hope for the Browns is that Larry Johnson defects like a Cuban baseball player and joins the Browns at halftime. If that doesn't happen, count on magic, divine intervention, flying saucers, or, more likely, Jim Brown coming out of retirement. Browns 21, Chiefs 20
JETS AT PACKERS - I flipped a coin for this one and it landed on its edge. So I looked up the actual betting spread and I found that the Jets are favored by 1.5 points. Jets 21.5, Packers 20
LIONS AT PATRIOTS - Lions? Big stadium? Slaughter? That's right, this one is overdue revenge for those Roman Empire mismatches. Patriots 38, Lions 17
49ERS AT SAINTS - Even good football teams melt down sometimes and the Saints are just kind of good. 49ers 28, Saints 21
CARDINALS AT RAMS - Dennis Green suggests that Edgerrin James bring a La-Z-Boy to the sidelines. Rams 23, Cardinals 16
COLTS AT TITANS - I've been listening for decades to sportscasters tell us obvious things and that makes me say this game will be close until it isn't. Colts 28, Titans 17
FALCONS AT REDSKINS - Michael Vick brings his pet bird because he's just discovered that everyone he meets also has a pet bird. Redskins 19, Falcons 6
JAGUARS AT DOLPHINS - There is NO WAY Joey Harrington has another good game before he has a bad game. Jaguars 30, Dolphins 13
TEXANS AT RAIDERS - This game is being played at a grocery store because that's the only place you see this many sacks. Raiders 10, Texans 9
COWBOYS AT GIANTS - Whatever job Drew Bledsoe gets next, I hope I am his backup. The only career move better than being a Bledsoe backup is to be a dead rock star. Speaking of dead careers, I mean speaking of Tom Coughlin… Cowboys 33, Giants 13
BUCCANEERS AT STEELERS - Like watching a car crash only each car is crashing on its own. The Steelers can't be that bad, can they? I can dream, but I guess not. Steelers 20, Buccaneers 12
SEAHAWKS AT BRONCOS - It's amazing how actual talent helps a football team. Seahawks 27, Broncos 14
PANTHERS AT EAGLES - Steve Smith is due for a big game and the Eagles, well, aren't. Panthers 24, Eagles 12
** PEACE **
This column is sponsored by the Iraqi Civil Liberties Union, fighting for the right to burn their flag.
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