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2007 NFL PICKS: WEEK 14
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WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of a Sudanese Teddy Bear’s Week 14 NFL Picks)
“How dare you be the one to assess… me, in this God-forsaken mess”
- The Who
My name was Ted when I entered the Witness Protection Program. Please, call me Ted, or Teddy. Please!
I would have rather been back in Chicago watching the Bears play football. What choice did I have? I had to hide in that classroom in Sudan with that English lady. That’s where I was assigned.
Please allow me to apologize and move on with my life. I just took the name they gave me, you know. This is all a big misunderstanding, I swear. Wait! Wait! Wait! I don’t swear. I swear. I mean, I’m sure. I never swear. Never, except when I drink. But I don’t drink, I swear.
It hasn’t been easy, you know. I come from a broken home and I got recruited at a young age into the gang, The Bears of Misery. I was the get-away driver on the famous Toys ‘R Us job five years back. I’m only telling you this to give you some understanding. Truly, I am a victim of life’s circumstances.
For instance, as a cub from the poor neighborhood, my nose fell off. When my nose fell off, they had to glue it back on and that’s how I first became involved with sniffing glue. It happened right before my first hibernation. Imagine.
So by the time I was playing baseball with the Cubs, all the other players were using Human Growth Hormones and I figured some Bear Growth Hormones would help. After all, I am not even 18 inches tall. But one thing led to another.
I drank milk. Studies show that almost everyone who has ever done drugs once drank milk. It’s a gateway drug. I liked milk best. I would do anything for milk. And I did. Let me put it this way: I knew Larry Berenstain – the second cousin twice removed of the famous Berenstain Bears – a.k.a. The Family.
I hung out with Yogi Bear’s cousin from the hood, Big Booboo. We would do anything for milk.
But then, my lactose intolerance caught up with me and I finked on Larry and Big Booboo and I had to enter Witness Protection Program and I was sent to Sudan where the kids renamed me after a prophet or a great heavyweight champion and there I was, facing 40 lashes. And do you know how I got out of it? I told my captors that I knew about the NFL and I could predict whatzgonnahappen.
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BEARS AT REDSKINS – The emotion will be different this week and even Joe Gibbs won’t be able to brain fart this one away. Rex Grossman will. Redskins 28, Bears 10
COWBOYS AT LIONS – The Lions have lost four straight games and they’ve lost Roy Williams. The Cowboys have only lost once but I’m picking them because they’ve got a healthy Roy Williams. It is the “Healthier Roy Williams Rule.” I just invented it. It’s what I plan to be most known for. How about you? Cowboys 30, Lions 19
PANTHERS AT JAGUARS – David Carr is Akili Smith with more of a chance to fail. I’m just saying that if you need life insurance next year, David Carr will be looking to establish a territory. Jaguars 29, Panthers 12
CHARGERS AT TITANS – Norv Turner already sold me life insurance. Nine times… as in nine lives. He needs them all. Titans 21, Chargers 20
RAIDERS AT PACKERS – This is why I think Lane Kiffin might become a good coach. He doesn’t think starting a rookie for his first game in Green Bay in December is such a good idea. Some coaches don’t even get the obvious. Packers 22, Raiders 12
GIANTS AT EAGLES – Donovan McNabb and Eli Manning swap booing-fan stories. They talk all night long. And then the next day, and the following night… Eagles 9, Giants 6
RAMS AT BENGALS – I think the Kentucky Bengals can beat the Mississippi River Rams in the Arena Football League, or whatever that league is called that they play in. Bengals 21, Rams 14
DOLPHINS AT BILLS – The Miami Dolphins are a legitimate charity. I admit that Sally Struthers plays hard. Bills 30, Dolphins 17
BUCCANEERS AT TEXANS – I saw Luke McCown make one good play once for the Cleveland Browns. So I’ve been a fan for ages. Buccaneers 27, Texans 23
VIKINGS AT 49ERS – Every time I find myself wondering how George W. Bush won two elections, I remember that Trent Dilfer once won a Super Bowl. Vikings 23, 49ers 10
CARDINALS AT SEAHAWKS – Imagine a real cardinal versus a real seahawk. That’s what this is going to be like. Seahawks 33, Cardinals 12
BROWNS AT JETS – On the opening drive, the Jets score. And then the Browns play their best game of the year. But in fairness, the best player on the Browns is Jets quarterback Kellen Clemens. Derek Anderson throws four touchdowns; Clemens throws four interceptions. The interceptions are more valuable. Browns 42, Jets 0
STEELERS AT PATRIOTS – Aided by moveable hash marks, the Patriots come up with a key first down in the first half. The referees see nothing. At halftime, Bill Belichick is convicted of cooking endangered grasshoppers with weapons-grade uranium. He surrenders a second-round draft pick and, with a definite crunchy sound in his mumble, declares the matter over. His smile glows in the dark. In the second half, the Steelers take a 20-point lead but Tom Brady rallies the team for three touchdowns in the final eight seconds. Patriots 38, Steelers 37
CHIEFS AT BRONCOS – Once in a while, a mediocre quarterback like Jay Cutler has a great game. Check your calendar – this weekend is once in a while. Broncos 30 Chiefs 14
COLTS AT RAVENS – What you thought was about to happen last week happens this week. Ray Lewis’ head explodes. Colts 28, Ravens 14
SAINTS AT FALCONS – Every play of the game is a trick play for the Saints. Some days it works. Saints 140, Falcons 3
This column is sponsored by Mike Huckabee’s discarded 100 pounds of fat, and a deep fryer.
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