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NFL PICKS: WEEK 14
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WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of The QBaq Study Group Report)
"Wake up kid, it's half past your youth; Ain't nothing really changes but the date"
- Aerosmith
Dear Owner of (insert NFL team name),
After a particularly enlightening round of libations, we ten random fans started calling the quarterback position on your team, QBaq. The situation in QBaq is grave and deteriorating. We have formed a study group to help you.
Our bipartisan (beer and tequila) study group is composed of eight get-a-life middle-aged males, a token female wearing team earrings, and one kid with a fake ID. There are no easy answers, but we quickly found seven. This is our report:
1) You are the unluckiest owner in the history of sports. You are also a moron. But we, the QBaq Study Group, recognize your unbelievable string of bad luck has contributed to this mess. Anything that could go wrong has gone wrong. We recommend you buy new socks.
2) You are the Worst Owner Ever - WOE. We have printed bumper stickers so it must be true. We recommend you buy one and put it on your Rolls Royce. Yours could say, "WOE is me."
3) Your quarterback stinks and you seem too dumb to know about it. The quarterback you had before that smelled, and the QB before him was putrid. Yet you stay the course. Have you noticed that we all wear the jersey of the guy from the glory years? We recommend you get a quarterback like HIM again.
4) There is no magic formula to solve the problem at QBaq unless Archie Manning has another son and you adopt him. But you're not smart enough to think of something that easy, and if you did you'd probably adopt Eli. We recommend you quit being so stupid.
5) You are an idiot. Until you quit acting so brainless and bullheaded, this situation is going to continue to get worse. Instead of only listening to the obvious things John Madden has to say, maybe you should hire an actual scout.
6) Everything is your fault for obvious reasons. Even John Madden and NBC News have said so. And no, what Michael Irvin said does not count as praise for you. No one understands a word he says, and if you do understand him that's especially worrisome. We recommend you buy another bumper sticker.
7) You know how this city works. If you had upgraded our seats to somewhere in the Luxury Box Cabinet or the 50-yard line, we'd have written a nicer report. We recommend you figure it out.
** PEACE IN IRAQ **
If you gamble or even bet on the NFL and you want a guaranteed winner, this is the place to be. I practically guarantee it.
What I mean is that I guarantee I won't get every one of these wrong. I think I guarantee that. Look, don't hold me to it.
** PEACE IN IRAQ **
BROWNS AT STEELERS - On Pearl Harbor Day, no less - Football Armageddon: Part 108. The Browns lead the series 55-52, but the Steelers have won 10 of the past 11. That was then but this, as always, begins like a tribal birthday celebration. The Steelers defense uses their patented young quarterback voodoo blitz, but Derek Anderson, with pocket presence and a big arm, scoffs. He doesn't run for his life. Instead, he throws bombs and Kellen Winslow Jr. celebrates on foreign soil. In the end, Joey Porter apologizes and surrenders. And there is peace and justice in the rust belt until next year. Browns 30, Steelers 25
GIANTS AT PANTHERS - I've learned my lesson with Tony Romo and Damon Huard. My new rule is if a quarterback has been sitting on the bench for years, he has absorbed enough NFL to succeed, at least short term. Thus, if Chris Weinke starts, the Panthers win. Panthers 17, Giants 14
RAIDERS AT BENGALS - The holidays come early for Rudi Johnson, who gets 30 carries for 150 yards. After halftime, it becomes exhibition season for both teams - for different reasons. Bengals 39, Raiders 10
VIKINGS AT LIONS - Just before leaving on the flight from Minnesota to Detroit, Brad Johnson sees his own jersey on sale for half off. Meanwhile in Detroit, criminals are using Matt Millen bobblehead dolls to hold up banks. Oh no, wait. Those are agents for wide receivers. Lions 18, Vikings 12
TITANS AT TEXANS - By halftime, even David Carr is asking why the Texans didn't draft Vince Young. Titans 26, Texans 12
COLTS AT JAGUARS - After the game, Peyton Manning asks if the NFL has replaced the ball with one of those synthetic NBA models but the answer is no, he just played against the Jaguars in Jacksonville. Jaguars 21, Colts 14
RAVENS AT CHIEFS - You'd think the Ravens would have a good shot against the Chiefs but Steve McNair is no Derek Anderson. Meanwhile, Ray Lewis eats in the one restaurant in Kansas City where no one has learned the Heimlich maneuver. Chiefs 17, Ravens 10
PATRIOTS AT DOLPHINS - It's going to be a Joey Harrington kind of day, which is not good news for Joey Harrington. Patriots 29, Dolphins 9
FALCONS AT BUCCANEERS - In 1972, Chicago Bears quarterback Bobby Douglass ran for 968 yards and this week Michael Vick is probably going to break that rushing record for quarterbacks. That year, Douglass completed 37.9 percent of his passes whereas Vick has completed 51.1 percent of his. This is clear evolution of the position. Falcons 20, Buccaneers 14
EAGLES AT REDSKINS - This week's Jeff Garcia is the evil twin to last week's Jeff Garcia. Redskins 26, Eagles 10
SEAHAWKS AT CARDINALS - It's going to be close for longer than it should be but in the end the final score will look like an actual seahawk got into a cage match with an actual cardinal. Seahawks 35, Cardinals 17
PACKERS AT 49ERS - This is one of those esoteric, San Francisco beat poet kind of games asking the question, what is more powerful - delusions or illusions? The answer is that defense wins football games. 49ers 19, Packers 18
BILLS AT JETS - Earlier in the season, I would have picked Buffalo as an upset, but there are fewer fluke games as the calendar turns to December. Jets 20, Bills 16
BRONCOS AT CHARGERS - This is the day that Mike Shanahan remembers why you don't push rookie quarterbacks onto playoff caliber teams. Chargers 27, Broncos 13
SAINTS AT COWBOYS - This game will be played under BIG HEADLINES because it has a slew of famous NFL characters including what's-his-name and that other guy. There's also a whole lot of offense. In the end, Martin Gramatica misses a 21-yard field goal. Saints 39, Cowboys 38.
BEARS AT RAMS - What better place for Rex Grossman to get out of his funk than in a dome? It's better than trying to in Chicago. Bears 31, Rams 14
** PEACE IN IRAQ **
There's a lot of great charities in the world but please consider donating to this column. Think of it as feeding the illiterate or educating the hungry.
Anyway, if you like this column please spread the word or you'll be forced to get all your football news from football sites.
Thank you.
** PEACE IN IRAQ **
This column is sponsored by a chaotic epiphany.
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