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2007 NFL PICKS: WEEK 15
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WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of the Mitchell Report Week 15 NFL Picks)
“One pill makes you larger; And one pill makes you small”
- Jefferson Airplane
ESPN SPECIAL REPORT:
We interrupt our “Outside The Lines” episode exploring how Eric Mangini plans to get his team ready to be waterboarded in accordance with the Patriot Act…
(JETS TEAM CHANTS IN BACKGROUND: “Man, are you a genius!”)
Instead, we are bringing you live coverage of the Mitchell Report on Steroids in Baseball.
Senator George Mitchell: After 20 months of study and deliberations, I conclude that baseball has been very, very good to some players. You should see some of these guys. They are, like, big and strong.
It turns out that these guys lift weights. That explains everything. Go Red Sox!
On the other hand, my favorite science fiction movie of the last ten years was Roger Clemens versus Barry Bonds.
Finally, with regards to the NFL, this report will tell you allegations about whatzgonnahappen.
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BRONCOS AT TEXANS – Sage Rosenfels continues to live his version of “It’s a Wonderful Life” while the Broncos continue on with “The Three Faces of Eve.” Texans 21, Broncos 7
BENGALS AT 49ERS – This is the price you pay for Joe Montana followed by Steve Young. And New England gets the 49ers' draft pick too. Instant karma can take decades but it always gets you. Bengals 28, 49ers 20
TITANS AT CHIEFS – Paging Brody Coyle…. Your 15 minutes have arrived. Chiefs 30, Titans 10
SEAHAWKS AT PANTHERS – Paging the motions … the Panthers are now going through you. Seahawks 23, Panthers 16
BILLS AT BROWNS – The Browns make Derek Anderson play a quarter of bad football in the locker room before the game starts. By the time he takes the field, that’s out of the way for once. After that, he again plays as a top 5 NFL quarterback. The Browns defense surprises many, including me, while Jamal Lewis continues to run like a real Cleveland Browns running back of old. Browns 28, Bills 10
RAVENS AT DOLPHINS – Cam Cameron plans a new book based on his inspirational quote: “Losing reveals character.” Sorry Dolphins fans, the University of Alabama job is filled. So is the Arkansas job. You’re stuck with him. Oh, and speaking of being stuck with something, Ray Lewis this week is stuck listening to Don Shula complain about the Patriots. Complained to death… a perfect ending. Speaking of perfect. Surprise! Dolphins 13, Ravens 10
PACKERS AT RAMS – This is the lucky bowl. One team has had everything go right, while the other team is the Rams. Packers 31, Rams 20
JETS AT PATRIOTS – The commissioner’s office sends this videotape to Amnesty International. Patriots 77, Jets 7
JAGUARS AT STEELERS – How’s this for a guarantee. I guarantee the Steelers won’t win this year’s Super Bowl and I guarantee that makes me happy. Jaguars 24, Steelers 21
CARDINALS AT SAINTS – For decades, I have followed the NFL. Never once have I dreamed of a Cardinals/Saints matchup. Have you? Cardinals 19, Saints 13
FALCONS AT BUCCANEERS – Hello my name is Bobby Petrino, and I’ll be your waiter, and here’s your appetizer, it’s spoiled, and oh, I quit. Thanks for the money! Buccaneers 30 Falcons 14
COLTS AT RAIDERS – In garbage time, JaMarcus Russell looks pretty good. The bad news is that garbage time starts by early in the third quarter. Colts 42, Raiders 17
LIONS AT CHARGERS – Don’t look but here come the Lions. I’m serious. The Chargers aren’t looking anywhere but in the mirror. Pride is a dangerous thing. Lions 19, Chargers 17
EAGLES AT COWBOYS – Terrell Owens asks that the toilet stall in the locker room be renamed the Bill Parcells room. So they take down the Donovan McNabb nameplate and put it next to the Jeff Garcia nameplate … All to please T.O. Cowboys 37, Eagles 13
REDSKINS AT GIANTS – Throwaway Todd Collins outplays the lesser Manning. If Eli were a Norseman, he’d have been Eli The Lesser. Redskins 20 Giants 14
BEARS AT VIKINGS – Adrian Peterson makes the monsters of the midway look like Muppets. Vikings 28, Bears 10
This column is sponsored by Polygamous Atheists For Romney.
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