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NFL PICKS: WEEK 15
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WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of George Bush's Bengals Listening Tour)
"I may be old and I may be bent; But I had the money 'til it all got spent; I had the money 'til they made me pay; Then I had the sense to be on my way; I had to stay in the underground; I was in the house when the house burned down"
- Warren Zevon
This keg is staying in the middle of Cincinnati Bengals locker room until I've heard from everyone, okay? It's where the players keep their car keys and nunchucks.
I will not be rushed into making a difficult decision…a necessary decision. Sure, there's been a lot of trouble on this team and the trouble (eight arrests) has been horrific even by NFL standards, but I reject any idea that leads to the removal of this keg from the locker room.
The Bengals are not quitters, especially concerning the keg. We're sticking with it until the keg is finished. Is that clear? And if we need to bring in whiskey reinforcements, we will.
Otherwise, I'm on a listening tour, you know. I'm a listener and then I'm gonna be a thinker, and then ya'all know me - I'm a decider. I am a great decider and I decided these were the right players for my team.
And when I had one such player, I wanted more. I only have eight such players right now, but I hope to have 45 on the roster by next year. Marvin and I are hoping that a few more will audition before the season ends.
Do I have to explain everything? This is no time to remove the keg from the locker room. I'll listen to advice but I'm thinking of installing a bigger bar, a strip club, and the rules of Ultimate Fighting posted on the wall next to a flag of a random misogynist nation.
** PEACE IN IRAQ **
Predictions for this week's NFL games have been done by a goldfish. I'm merely the interpreter.
** PEACE IN IRAQ **
49ERS AT SEAHAWKS - The Super Bowl Seahawks lost to the Cardinals last week and now they are faced with the powerhouse 49ers. Although high school games can be tough, the Seahawks should get through it using the Statue of Liberty play - as long as they don't drop the ball. Seahawks 30, 49ers 20
COWBOYS AT FALCONS - "I was just using it two weeks ago," complains Tony Romo, who can't find his magic formula. Michael Vick runs wild and Terrell Owens sleeps. Falcons 21 Cowboys 13
BROWNS AT RAVENS - After Ray Lewis insults Kellen Winslow Jr., K2 brings his motorcycle on the field and runs over Lewis, who is hardly injured but he quickly develops a staph infection. Meanwhile, Derek Anderson used to practice with the Ravens, which means they know as much about him as your second grade teacher knows of you. And now they all say, "I knew Derek Anderson before he became Derek Anderson." Browns 37, Ravens 6
DOLPHINS AT BILLS - This week on the charts, number one with a bullet - the cadences of J.P. Losman. Dolphins 19, Bills 16
STEELERS AT PANTHERS - When an NFL team shows up across from the Steelers, who played the Browns last week, they become flustered and, well, soft. Panthers 20, Steelers 17
BUCCANEERS AT BEARS - After Devin Hester scores on the opening kickoff, he doesn't get the ball kicked to him again. That's because the Buccaneers never kick off again. Bears 30, Buccaneers 0
LIONS AT PACKERS - Brett Favre has been looking for the fountain of youth and he found it - the Lions defense (and offense). Packer 37, Lions 17
JETS AT VIKINGS - The Jets thought they left Chad's evil twin, Bad Pennington, at home but he sneaks into the game when it becomes apparent the Jets can't run the ball. Vikings 17, Jets 14
TEXANS AT PATRIOTS - While Tom Brady is in the studio recording "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" for the Miami Dolphins Christmas party, Doug Gabriel stands outside ringing a Salvation Army bell. And that strategy proves good enough to beat the Texans. Patriots 30, Texans 12
REDSKINS AT SAINTS - Before there was parity, Joe Gibbs was a good coach and the Saints were a bad team. Saints 40, Redskins 13
JAGUARS AT TITANS - Maurice Drew and Fred Taylor file an unfair labor practices lawsuit against the Titans. Defense? The Colts didn't play defense last week! Titans 23, Jaguars 16
BRONCOS AT CARDINALS - The Cardinals are going to do just enough to let Dennis Green keep his job while the Broncos are going to start thinking about giving Jake Plummer back his. Cardinals 17, Broncos 16
EAGLES AT GIANTS - Jeremy Shockey and Plaxico Burress practice their frustrated look all week long in front of the mirror. Gotta look good for the cameras, you know. Meanwhile, Jeff Garcia outplays Eli Manning, and the Giants fans try out their frustrated look too. Eagles 25, Giants 20
RAMS AT RAIDERS - Under the rules of the NFL, this game has to be played. All apologies. Raiders 9, Rams 6
CHIEFS AT CHARGERS - Lamar Hunt, who was a very rich man, intervenes in this game - proving that if you can take it with you, you can use it to fix games. Chiefs 21, Chargers 17
BENGALS AT COLTS - This game is all about momentum. The Bengals have it and the Colts have none. The Colts gave up 375 yards rushing last week and the Bengals have Rudi Johnson, who carried the ball 30 times for 117 yards last week against the Raiders. Since momentum is completely with the Bengals, I'm picking… Colts 35, Bengals 28
** PEACE IN IRAQ **
This column is sponsored by clerical errors.
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