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2007 NFL PICKS: WEEK 16
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WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of My Own Private Iowa Christmas Week 16 NFL Picks)
“When I’m feeling blue, when I’m feeling low; I start to think about the happiest man I know”
- Bing Crosby
I know Santa Claus, or at least a guy that looks like him. And “Santa” promised me that the Cleveland Browns are going to beat the New England Patriots in the playoffs. It’s the only thing I asked for.
Loyal readers know that I live in a sidewalk refrigerator box and that each Christmas Eve I meticulously cut fast food cheeseburger litter into a sleigh, eight reindeer, and a snowstorm of 5,012 individual flakes.
It gives me something to do while the rest of you are getting drunk and arguing about stuff that happened decades ago, plus the cool decorations make my imaginary friends, like “Santa”, jealous. And let me say to any quick-to-judge critics - you have your traditions and I have mine. Are you done with that cheeseburger wrapper?
So this year is going to be my most joyous holiday ever. In fact, the voices in my head, when not interrupted by political commercials, are actually singing in traditional harmony – “Joy to the world, the Browns have won.”
Commercial Interruption
Hold on! God’s calling my cell phone. “Yo, wassup?”
I’m Mike Huckabee and I approved this message.
Commercial Interruption
The name’s Obama, not Osama. Oprah likes me. Yes, Oprah!
I’m Barack Obama and I approved this message.
Commercial Interruption
Monica Lewinsky will NOT be an intern for that man.
I’m Hillary Clinton and I approved this message
Commercial Interruption
A noun, a verb, and 9/11. *
I’m Rudy Guiliani and I approved this message.
You see how it is? It’s one commercial after another here in my own private Iowa.
But it doesn’t bother me because I’ve been listening to a “jolly” fat man with a red nose who lives just past the dog-friendly fire hydrant over there in that two-year-old disintegrating dryer box. He’s jolly all right. He won’t shut up and he assured me that he knows whatzgonnahappen.
STEELERS AT RAMS – Even Santa Claus can’t make all wishes come true. Meanwhile, some guy in St. Louis claims to be a Rams fan but he then asks for a Brett Favre jersey for Christmas. Steelers. 30, Rams 13
COWBOYS AT PANTHERS – Tony Romo spent last week’s game thinking of Jessica Simpson under the Christmas tree. As did I. Cowboys 27, Panthers 17
CHIEFS AT LIONS – Despite wishes of both teams, the season doesn’t end yet. Lions 10, Chiefs 7
Commercial Interruption
I didn’t go to Woodstock but that doesn’t mean I’m old.
I’m John McCain and I approved this message
Commercial Interruption
There are two Americas. I’ve never met John Kerry.
I’m John Edwards and I approved this message
Commercial Interruption
I’m religious just like you. Let’s change the subject.
I’m Mitt Romney and I approved this message
Commercial Interruption
Everyone says, “Joe is right.” I’m not plagiarizing.
I’m Joe Biden and I approved this message.
RAIDERS AT JAGUARS – Someone bowls a 300 using Maurice Jones Drew. Jaguars 28, Raiders 12
EAGLES AT SAINTS – Sean Payton donates last year’s coach of the year award to the Salvation Army. Now it’s in the hands of some guy living in a sidewalk refrigerator box. Eagles 20, Saints 19
BROWNS AT BENGALS – Jamal Lewis 20 rushes, 200 yards, 2 TD. Derek Anderson 30-30, 400 yards, 5 TD. Braylon Edwards 10 catches 150 yards, 2 TD. Kellen Winslow 9 catches 100 yards, 2 TD. Joe Jurevicious, 8 catches 75 yards, 1 TD. Joshua Cribbs, 2 TD returns. Phil Dawson, three circus field goals. Kamerion Wimbley and Willie McGinest, three sacks each. Merry Christmas. Browns 72, Bengals 0
Commercial Interruption
Think about the Constitution. You don’t care! I have a website.
I’m Ron Paul and I approved this message.
Commercial Interruption
Think about the Constitution. You don’t care! I have a hot wife.
I’m Dennis Kucinich and I approved this message
TEXANS AT COLTS – Peyton Manning buys stuff that Peyton Manning endorses. He never finishes shopping. Luckily, he can shop from that TV camera he talks to while he’s doing commercials and calling plays. Colts 36, Texans 21
GIANTS AT BILLS – Eli throws 6 interceptions just because I listen to a lot of NY sports radio and that’s Christmas to me. Bills 42, Giants 6
PACKERS AT BEARS – Christmas. Brett Favre. That Bears team. Nuff’ said. Packers 32, Bears 19
Commercial Interruption
Please be impressed by my resume. I am.
I’m Bill Richardson and I approved this message.
Commercial Interruption
I’ve got white hair and Kennedy style without Kennedy style – know-what-I-mean?
I’m Chris Dodd and I approved this message
Commercial Interruption
I’m tall. I hate Hollywood phonies. Aw shucks.
I’m Fred Thompson and I approved this message
BUCCANEERS AT 49ERS – It’s Christmas and Karma calls for Jon Gruden to lose. Don’t ask me, I’m channeling. (My fees are high.) 49ers 9, Buccaneers 7
FALCONS AT CARDINALS – So let’s say that Mike Vick is freed for Christmas. Let’s say you’re a dog looking for a big money fight. Yeah, Free Mike Vick! Cardinals 2, Falcons 0
DOLPHINS AT PATRIOTS – The CIA burned tapes of torture. The NFL burned Belichick’s tapes. Did the CIA give up a first round draft pick? More proof life isn’t fair. Patriots 70, Dolphins 0
JETS AT TITANS – Eric Mangini tries a trick play on his family at Christmas. He shouldn’t have put in the third-string Santa. Sad. Titans 18, Jets 10
RAVENS AT SEAHAWKS – The song is “chestnuts” roasting on an open fire, not “Brian Billick’s job.” Still. Meanwhile, giant reindeer droppings land on Ray Lewis. Merry Christmas! (But Troy Smith plays pretty good). Seahawks 29, Ravens 12
Commercial Interruption
No habla bite me. I’m not related to any immigrants. Ever!
I’m Tom Tancredo and I endorsed this message
Commercial Interruption
If you don’t agree with me, you will burn in hell.
I’m Alan Keyes and I approved this message.
Commercial Interruption
You’re not even paying attention, are you?
I’m Mike Gravel and I approved this message.
Commercial Interruption
My name sounds presidential. At least give me that.
I’m Duncan Hunter and I approved this message.
REDSKINS AT VIKINGS – Tavaris Jackson hopes the Vikings draft a quarterback next year. Well, if he’s a Vikings fan he does. Viking 9, Redskins 7
CHARGERS AT BRONCOS – It’s a close enough game that Santa stops his nightly chores to watch. Chargers 28, Broncos 20
Happy Holidays, and thank you for reading. It means more to me than you could possibly know.
Please consider buying my NASCAR book or passing this column onto someone who might like it. Also, if you click on one of the ads on this page, I earn something like 12 cents. Just imagine if you click on two ads.
So from my cardboard box to wherever you might be, Merry Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanzaa/Winter Solstice/whatever you celebrate and please do something nice for someone, anyone, for no good reason. And then do something nice for all of us, and vote - unless, of course, you are stupid. Then, the nice thing to do would be not to vote.
Peace on Earth … please.
* How Joe Biden (ENDORSED BY THIS WEBSITE, please check him out), described Guiliani’s sentences “There’s only three things he mentions in a sentence – a noun, a verb and 9/11.”
This column is sponsored by Venison Recipes.
FREECHEEZEBURGERZ FOR MONEY
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